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Hey so about that.
Are you ready for storytime with Scafe.
Are you ready for storytime with Scafe.
Okay.
So a couple of months ago, a friend asks me if I’m free Thursday night, because he got movie tickets for me and him and his son (who I used to babysit and is now 13, how does that happen).
I said sure, what are we seeing.
He says the tickets read UNDISCLOSED ACTION FILM.
So a couple of months ago, a friend asks me if I’m free Thursday night, because he got movie tickets for me and him and his son (who I used to babysit and is now 13, how does that happen).
I said sure, what are we seeing.
He says the tickets read UNDISCLOSED ACTION FILM.
I’m like lol ok, sounds great, and he says “I think it’s Hobbs and Shaw.”
I start frantically googling action film release dates. And I realize, omg, he’s probably right.
A little context: major films generally do advance screenings toward the end of post-production to gauge audience reaction, and sometimes to try out endings.
The timing was right.
A little context: major films generally do advance screenings toward the end of post-production to gauge audience reaction, and sometimes to try out endings.
The timing was right.
So I head on over to Universal on Thursday night, telling myself over and over “don’t get excited, it’s probably that live action Dora movie.”
You guys.
It was not Dora.
You guys.
It was not Dora.
We get in the line with our tickets. They tell us if we have our cell phones, we need to put them in the car. Security will be checking and we’ll be removed from the theater if we have one.
My phone was already in the car, but I kept panic-checking my pockets every few minutes.
My phone was already in the car, but I kept panic-checking my pockets every few minutes.
They walk down the line and tell each of us “this is the film you’ll be seeing,” and they hold up a sign on a clipboard.
Like, they don’t even say the name out loud.
You guys.
YOU GUYS.
Like, they don’t even say the name out loud.
You guys.
YOU GUYS.
You know that feeling when you were little and you ran into the living room Christmas morning and Santa brought you exactly what you wanted most in the world.
So I sign several NDAs which I do not believe I am violating as the film has been released and screened for critics and I’m not doing any spoilers and if I’m wrong they really should have given me copies of the documents to reference later because I was not thinking clearly tbqh.
Then.
THEN.
Another guy walks over and asks us how old we are.
He then says, “perfect, would you mind staying after the film for a small focus group?”
THEN.
Another guy walks over and asks us how old we are.
He then says, “perfect, would you mind staying after the film for a small focus group?”
You guys.
I will not give any spoilers.
But did I yell out loud during an action sequence in a theater in front of the director and producers?
Did I start solo clapping for a particularly good Statham line?
YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT I DID.
I will not give any spoilers.
But did I yell out loud during an action sequence in a theater in front of the director and producers?
Did I start solo clapping for a particularly good Statham line?
YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT I DID.
They legit had cameras and audio on the audience to monitor reactions.
Somewhere there exists film of me living my best fucking life.
Somewhere there exists film of me living my best fucking life.
The action sequences were unfinished- they often do advance screenings before they edit out the wires in the stunts, and before the CG is complete- so they had animation placeholders for some scenes. But omg. Go see this film.
So the movie ends. They pass out a questionnaire.
And I swear to god, I write a dissertation.
Then most of the audience is escorted out, and about 12 of us remain for the focus group.
The moderator says “okay, let’s talk about the film.”
And I swear to god, I write a dissertation.
Then most of the audience is escorted out, and about 12 of us remain for the focus group.
The moderator says “okay, let’s talk about the film.”
I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IS THIS WHAT WHITE MEN FEEL LIKE ALL THE TIME, BECAUSE INJECT IT STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS
moderator: what did you like about the film
me: Idris Elba
moderator: what about him
me: oh no, that was the entire thought
me: Idris Elba
moderator: what about him
me: oh no, that was the entire thought
We have a long discussion.
At one point, the moderator assumes the 13-year-old is my brother.
PRETTY MUCH I WAS HAVING THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At one point, the moderator assumes the 13-year-old is my brother.
PRETTY MUCH I WAS HAVING THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The director comes over to wrap it up, and thank us for our comments.
Then he says “and there’s one more person who wanted to say thank you.”
You guys.
Then he says “and there’s one more person who wanted to say thank you.”
You guys.
IN WALKS DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON.
AND ALL I CAN THINK IS MY PHONE IS LOCKED IN THE CAR.
AND ALL I CAN THINK IS MY PHONE IS LOCKED IN THE CAR.
THE GIRL NEXT TO ME STARTS CRYING I SHIT YOU NOT
AT ONE POINT, HE SPECIFICALLY THANKED ME FOR ONE OF MY COMMENTS.
I’M PRETTY SURE I SAID “YOU’RE WELCOME, THE ROCK.”
I’M PRETTY SURE I SAID “YOU’RE WELCOME, THE ROCK.”
Just drove to the theater for Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw.
ANYWAY.
I didn’t see the final film. But if it’s close, it’s an absolute delight.
And shout out to Vanessa Kirby, and whoever wrote her lines. The franchise finally put a woman on par with the men.
ANYWAY.
I didn’t see the final film. But if it’s close, it’s an absolute delight.
And shout out to Vanessa Kirby, and whoever wrote her lines. The franchise finally put a woman on par with the men.
GOTTA GO, BUSY LIVING MY LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A TIME, I’LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT WENT
Look, I don’t wanna say they took all my notes.
But.
But.
FAST AND FURIOUS PRESENTS: HOBBS AND SHAW WAS NEAR PERFECTION AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE
I also need to point out that the “favorite jacket” that Hobbs wears in the film is the same jacket he wore to the screening and is, in fact, his favorite jacket. 
I really hope they don’t sue me for these tweets.
Feel free to make this thread go viral, I’ll deal with the legal consequences if it means Jason Statham will know that my love for him is real and not at all creepy.
The whole point of this thread is that you should probably just leave work early today to head to the theater.
Live your best life a quarter mile at a time. You won’t regret it.
Live your best life a quarter mile at a time. You won’t regret it.
