Thread by @crossing_winter

ok it's apparently a twitterfic time y'all.

https://twitter.com/crossing_winter/status/1162389318780039168

"How is he today?" Thanisson asks Mitaka as he approaches the bridge.
Mitaka shudders. "I don't get paid enough for this shit."
Thanisson winces.
"That bad?"
"Klaud's gone."
"No."
"Yes."
"Oh god."

*
What girl?
The question had haunted him for years now, from the first moment he'd destroyed the room around Mitaka with his lightsaber--he probably still owes Mitaka an apology bouquet for that. But also it might be tacky if he were to send it this late.

What girl?
Klaud had recognized her at once--the moment he'd seen her on Takodana. He'd been glad to have his lightsaber in his hand then, and that he was wearing black because Klaud--well, Klaud had been standing at attention in his pants.

Because Klaud had always known there was a girl. Klaud, in all his prophecy and visions--or maybe just his horniness--had been telling him for years that there was "a girl."
And no matter what he'd said to Klaud to convince him that Rey didn't want him--them--Klaud had gone.

*
"Something's following us," Finn hisses and Rey turns. She feels it too--something familiar and yet...something different. Whatever this is, she's never felt it exactly before--except in a dream, perhaps.
She frowns.

She'd felt it in a dream, poking against her back while she'd...
She draws her lightsaber and ignites it--clear white rather than blue now after she and Kylo Ren had broken the crystal. She twirls with a snarl and levels it at--
"What do you want," she snarls at it.

It looks like a penis.
A penis that stiffens at the sight of her, getting bigger and bigger, straighter, taller, thicker, prouder.
"Rey," he says, and he speaks with Kylo Ren's voice.

Ordinarily, when confronted unexpectedly with Kylo Ren, Rey has shot him, slashed at him with her lightsaber, punched him, yelled at him, and once--most unfortunately--flashed him.
But she's too surprised by this to do any of that.
Indeed, she drops her lightsaber.

She stares at him for a long moment. Him? What are pronouns for a giant penis? She doesn't--what even--and what are those things sticking out of it?
"Kylo?" she asks slowly.
"Klaud," the penis replies. "But same thing really. I--I miss you, Rey."

It hops towards her and Rey stumbles back.
"What's going on?" Finn asks.
"I'm Klaud," the penis says at the same time that Rey says "Kylo--"
"Klaudlo?" Finn asks.
"No," Rey says at once, as Klaud says, "Sure." Then it takes a deep breath and continues, "Rey, please just listen."

"I will not," Rey says and she summons her lightsaber back to her hand. "Don't come near me."
"But I love you," Klaud says. "I miss you. Remember when we held hands? Everything changed?"
"Yeah, and then you chose fascism over being a good person." Or Kylo had. This is confusing.

"That was Kylo," Klaud says and he looks very sad. "I wanted to choose you, Rey. I am choosing you. I left him behind too. I don't want to be a fascist. I just want to CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED your CENSORED."
Rey blinks sat him.

"What the fuck," Finn mutters.
Klaud pinkens, which is weird because he'd already gotten...uncomfortably pink when he'd seen Rey for the first time too.
"Can you give us a moment?" Klaud asks Finn and Rey grabs Finn's arm to keep him there even as Finn says, "Absolutely."

"Rey," Klaud says. "I want to join you. Just give me a chance."
Rey squares her shoulders. "And what about Kylo?"
"Fuck Kylo," Klaud growls. "I left him. I want to be with you. I want to let the past die, build my future with you. Isn't that what we saw when we touched hands?"

"I saw--I--" Rey stammers, trying to figure out what the fuck to say to that. "I saw Kylo, not you."
Klaud deflates a little. The stiffness he'd swollen to when he'd first seen Rey goes a bit limp and he looks away. "Oh. Ok," he says. "I get it."
"Klaud," Rey says at once.

"No, it's fine. He has hands and I don't. I know how much you want to hold hands with him. Doesn't matter how much I CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED you, or CENSORED your CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. I can't compete."

"Why is Kylo Ren competing with his own penis?" Finn hisses to Rey. "Rey, what's going on?"
"It's...complicated."
"She fell in love with Kylo, and I'm not good enough," Klaud says and Rey flinches, waiting for Finn's reaction.

"You what?" Finn breathes.
"Look it's--"
"No, you seriously fell in love with him?"
"And he fell in love with her too," interjects Klaud. "They love each other, but he picked the First Order over her."
"And you picked Rey over him?" Finn says.
"Yes," Klaud replies.

"Interesting."
Finn is quiet for a moment, then slowly, he looks between them.
"And neither of you is happy about this, right?"
"Happy about what?" Rey asks.
"Him being...I don't know...not connected to his own dick?"
"I suppose not," Klaud says slowly, looking at Rey.

"Well then I have a plan," says Finn and a slow smile spreads across his face as he looks between them. "Or at least, an idea."

*
First Rey, then Klaud.
Was it ever going to stop hurting, people picking literally anything over him? What was he lacking (don't answer that question, we know his trusty penis is gone right now)? Why wasn't he sufficient? Didn't he deserve love?

He couldn't even self-love properly without Klaud. He'd tried putting a few fingers up his CENSORED but it hadn't really gone according to plan. Sort of like Klaud leaving him to begin with.
What was going to happen next? Was his heart gonna rip itself loose to be with Rey too?

Which was why he didn't end up staying at base. Rey was a person of her own free will. And as much as his dick...tended to do what it wanted, especially when thinking about Rey's soft hair, or her bright eyes, or her CENSORED CENSORED, this was one step too far.

So he closed his eyes, and reached out through the Force, doing his best to locate his missing penis. Just an inkling of a feeling, a touch, a twitch--anything. They'd been connected for so long, surely it wouldn't be that hard (heh). Just like reaching down and grabbing him.

And sure enough--there was Klaud. On a star system he hadn't thought about in years because it was so bland and useless--which, of course, would make it the perfect Resistance base. So he got in his Silencer and took off without a word.

The First Order would function fine without him while he went and brought the traitor back. It totally wouldn't collapse without his iron grip, his firm guidance, his rock-hard determination.

*
"Ok he's coming," Klaud says.
"How do you know?" Rey asks.
"You think I don't know what it's like when he's coming? He's coming," Klaud insists. He turns to Finn. "Are you sure this is going to work?"
"No," Finn says. "But it's what we've got."

Rey nods. She can't say she has a good feeling about this, but she also can't say she has a bad feeling. She doesn't really know what she's feeling at all, really. Kylo's penis detached itself from him and is named Klaud and is in love with her.

If it doesn't reattach itself, and shrink down, and lose those weird protrusions on the tip of it, it doesn't really matter how much he loves her, she's going to have some real concerns about fitting him in her CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED even when it's CENSORED CENSORED.

It's not about fucking him, though, she tells herself. It's about what she saw when they touched hands. It's about stepping into that bright future together, being warm and supported. (But it's also a little bit about fucking him.)

"Listen," she says to Finn. "I don't--"
"Look, if he's coming across the galaxy just for Klaud, don't you think he'll listen to Klaud?"
"He doesn't always listen to reason," Rey points out. "I told him to say no to fascism and save some lives. He had other ideas."

"Yes, but we all know that sometimes people think with their...you know...their Klauds."
"Kylo doesn't think with me," Klaud points out. "If he did, he wouldn't have chosen fascism. It didn't matter how many times I thought about Rey's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED."

Rey flushes. Finn pretends not to have heard.
She takes a deep breath. He's penetrated the planet's atmosphere. She can feel it in the Force.

*
They're together. Her and his traitor penis. Klaud had done what he'd wanted, just like everyone else, and didn't care how much it hurt Kylo. He'd just woken up one morning, expecting to stroke a woodie, and then he'd been alone.
Like waking up by himself on the Supremacy.

He's trembling when he disembarks from his Silencer and doesn't even bother hiding his presence from them through the Force. They aren't bothering to try and hide from him, after all. And why would they. They probably want to shove whatever they're doing together in his face.

He sees them there, standing in the sunshine. Klaud--really thick and tall. Rey--
Rey's perfect because she's always perfect. God he just wants her back so much. He'd beg her if he thought it would make a difference. But he knows it won't. Which he can also somehow only respect.

He prepares to yell, to curse at them, to ignite his lightsaber--the only sign of his virility that remains him--and charge. But then Rey turns to him and her face lights up and--
"Ben! You came!"
The sheer joy in her face, her voice--well, he'd come if Klaud were still there.

And she's--
Running at him? Her arms outspread? Throwing herself around him so that he's very grateful he doesn't actually have a penis because he'd be getting stiff as a rod right now from the way her CENSORED feels against his CENSORED?
"What?" is all he can manage.

"I knew you'd come," Rey say, continuing to press herself against him. "Ben, I knew you'd see the truth. I knew it. You saw what I did when we touched hands and now you're here. You came back to me."
Ben blinks at her because that's all he can do.

His hands--like his penis--want to betray him and grip her CENSORED. Shouldn't he not be feeling like this without Klaud? Shouldn't all of those urges have gone away?
Or maybe he's just more pent up because he hasn't jerked it since Klaud left.

But it's his traitor lips that he wasn't expecting. "Rey," he murmurs and they find hers, kissing her as deeply as he can, as deeply as he'd seen when they'd touched hands.
"Klaud said you'd come," she whispers to him.
"He'd know," Ben can't help himself.

What's going on? He can't tell. All that matters is that Rey's in his arms and he feels whole for the first time since her hand had grazed Klaud during that fight with the praetorian guards.
"I love you," she tells him. "I love you so much for coming to find me."

And he should say I'm actually here to murder my own penis for leaving me, he should tell her that he came but only if she comes with him and becomes his wife and Co-Supreme Leader, that he isn't budging an inch.

That's when Klaud comes up behind Rey and sort of wiggles against her and he feels it--fuck he feels it, how soft and warm she is and--and--
"Klaud NO," he shouts but it's too late. Thick white streams of wet come out of Klaud's head, coating his and Rey's hair.

It feels so good. So good. But also his face goes bright red and he can't bring himself to let go of Rey, to see the damage that's been done by his dumb fucking penis.
"Sorry," mutters Klaud after a moment, deflating a bit. "I got excited."

Ben wants a sarlacc pit to open up under all of them because being slowly digested for however many fucking years would probably be less painful than this.
But Rey says, "It's exciting. Ben came, just like you knew he would."

And just like that, all the anger goes away, all the pain and frustration, humiliation--it goes away. Rey's beaming up at him and he can't do this again, he can't lose her again.

"Let's get cleaned up," is all he can say, and he glances at Klaud. "You coming home now, bud?"
"Are we staying?" Klaud asks.
Ben does a quick poll of his hands, lips, eyes, and heart. They all seem to be team dick.

"Yeah," he sighs. "Let's be real, the First Order's a fucking logistical headache." It's like he can see clearly again--having both Rey and Klaud there and--
He purples. FN-2187 is standing behind a tree, watching closely.

Ben waves awkwardly. FN-2187 sort of nods and turns away to give them some privacy--thank fuck.
"There's a lake this way," Rey says, pulling away and Ben's eyes sort of roll into the back of his head, seeing her covered in his--in Klaud's-- "Meet you there? Once you've..."

He nods, and she goes off, her CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED in the sunlight.
With both Rey and FN-2187 gone, he drops his pants and glares at Klaud. "This hurt," he tells his dick.
"It was worth it," Klaud replies.
"Fine. You win. Now don't ruin this for us."

And Klaud reattaches himself. Deciding that it's not worth putting his pants back on, Ben follows Rey to the water. She's already stripped out of her clothes and Klaud stirs on his hips, clearly not down for the count.

Rey smiles when he approaches and helps him out of the rest of his clothes. Then they go into the water together, sinking down beneath the surface to wash themselves clean.

Then they fuck a lot.

The end.