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I could've started HRT at 20, but my girlfriend (now wife) forcibly stopped me, never bothering discussing w me about this matter. I made it very clear I was transitioning right from the beginning, but back then she never saw me as a woman. I was vaguely aware, but in retrospect,
there were definitely clear signs. I had her read the Chinese translation of Stone Butch Blues, but somehow she was unable to connect it to my situation. Being with her destroyed the self-confidence I had spent several years to build. I put up with it all because I loved her.
The 2000s was my "lost decade", during which I was in self-denial. Eventually, at one of the lowest points of my life, I realized transition was something I *must* do—or I would die with tremendous regret. Still, it took awhile for her to finally get it.
When I resumed transitioning, I had already been suffering from chronic pain, but I bit the bullet and did it anyway—with great success. Admittedly she helped me a lot during my second attempt at transition, but It's extremely difficult not to feel bitter over my traumatic past.
I helped her the best I could with English business writing when she still had a job, but after losing it, she kept throwing all of her resentments at me for an entire year, making my chronic pain worse and worse. Long story short, I endured all the pain for the mess she made.
I've lost count how many traumas she has inflicted upon me. Deceptions, betrayals, I've experienced them all. I would divorce her if I can, but now I'm stuck. Who wants a trans woman who can barely function anyway? All I can say is, love is truly blind.
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