Thread by @FromCarly

It's time for my #RevPit #10Queries! Get ready for a very long thread where I analyze 10 anonymous queries and 1st 5 pages. They were all great in their own way, but they all could grow and be slightly more polished. However, I want to read them ALL! Hurry and get pubbed!

Q1: YA Scifi, Very interesting concept, but falls a little flat at times with over explaining the plot. Try to use more gripping words and show more personality in the query. Great hook at the end, but could use more of that mystery up front. #RevPit #10Queries

P1: Too much of a play by play. Show us what's important, not every action. Careful w/ flashbacks, they are info-dumps. Let us learn info as we move through plot w/ the MC. 3rd person present is tough POV, feels like you want 1st but didn't for some reason. #RevPit #10Queries

Q2: YA CF, Great query, really shows the plot and characters clearly. Beginning of a wry voice that I love, but could use more of. It is almost there, but lacking in the strong voice that I see hints of. #RevPit #10Queries

P2: Voice! Right into action. I've gotten to know MC via details and internal comments/humor. But the minor switch to another POV is jarring. I assume this will be multi POV, but each section should be balanced. Try to keep it to 1 chap or 1 switch per chap. #RevPit #10Queries

Q3: YA F Story is interesting, but there isn't enough detail to show what is special about it. Too broad of a plot/world. It's clear, but not focused enough so I'm not connecting. Be specific about the mystery, the magic, and the MC, not vague... #RevPit #10Queries

Q3 cont: Too much time is spent on your bio when the story is what should really shine. Tip for all: remember that you are the secondary selling point, the story should come first. Only go into detail where it amplifies the story/selling. #RevPit #10Queries

P3: Great clean writing and wonderful use of detail. But pepper in the details of the magic as we go. It is tempting to start with an explanation, but instead start where the story begins and the character development begins... #RevPit #10Queries

P3 cont: You don't have to jump into the inciting incident, but jump into the story and keep the timeline consistent. Give clear concise details that explain the world in the simplest, quickest terms as soon as the information becomes relevant. #RevPit #10Queries

Q4: A Thriller, This story is intriguing! Q can be repetitive, we have the realization about a big element twice. Love circumstances but need more conflict. Yes inner conflict, but what outer conflict is driving the story? To what end are the characters headed? #RevPit #10Queries

P4: Normally I don't like not starting with the MC, but it works. I would be sure to keep it short and simple though. Great peppering in of details. I'm slowly learning about the driving force, and it is A+. Good use of detail, but could use more specifics. #RevPit #10Queries

P4 cont: I'd love a little more internal emotion from current POV character to really connect with them. Circumstances are clear, as are actions, but internal emotions/conflict should be more apparent for readers to connect. #RevPit #10Queries

Q5: A Suspense, structure is off. Missing hook & bio, & last para feels like there isn't confidence in the piece. Remember, the query is not a synopsis, we don't want a cold explanation of events, but an opener that hooks us in and makes us want to read more. #RevPit #10Queries

Q5 cont: Too much info was packed in. It may not be everything, but it is so stuffed that it feels like you tried to get everything in instead of focusing on hook, MC and conflict. Keep it simple and show us the mood/conflict of the MS, not the whole story. #RevPit #10Queries

P5:Clean & evocative. But the structure jumps around. I'm not grounded & don't know who the MC is. Drive the story w/ MC doing instead of musing. The vignette format, while pretty, doesn't pull me into a story, it distracts. Show where we are going & head there #RevPit #10Queries

Q6: Scifi, Missing target audience. Great word choice throughout. Structure is a off b/c I'm jumping around, not in the flow. Start with the hook, then pull back, show us the MC & the conflict, stakes, and decision making. A little too much spent on backstory. #RevPit #10Queries

P6: Beautiful, specific word choices. I'm pulled in immediately. I could use a bit more grounding as we are covering a lot of information. Maybe give more detail later as it becomes pertinent. But overall, I loved it! #RevPit #10Queries

Q7: YA F, Definitely personality! Intrigued by the world but we're jumping around. A lot of detail, but what is the main driving conflict? How does it start and why is the MC involved? It is a little jumbled, but w/ some clarity & reorganizing it would be great.#RevPit #10Queries

P7: Formatted incorrectly. It should always be double-spaced when agents or others ask for pages. Pay attention to what they ask for, sometimes something as minor as not following the rules can count against you. I only read half, to keep to the 5 pages rule... #RevPit #10Queries

P7 cont: We have too much information trying to be conveyed through internal monologue/dialogue. Show us as we need to know about it, instead, fuse to MC and show us who they are. #RevPit #10Queries

Q8: MG F, Very interesting concept, but buried the lead until the end. Show both POVs equally in the query when there are only 2. Balance it so we know quickly that there will be two & so we get to know both MCs. A few grammatical mistakes, be very careful! #RevPit #10Queries

P8: Great use of MG voice. Maybe starting in the wrong place. I don't usually say this, but it might be starting too late. It seems the exciting inciting incident happened off screen before. Great MC development, but start with that exciting moment instead #RevPit #10Queries

Q9: YA F, Great title, but query is very long. Keep the hook simple and to the point. I love all of the detail and humor. I'm all about the themes. But we need to simplify it down and not over explain what it is about/evokes #RevPit #10Queries

P9: This might seem silly, but my biggest crit is that there is an overuse of the character names. That may seem small & inconsequential, but it can make a huge difference. Overuse of names leaves the story feeling stilted/repetitive. Otherwise, wonderful! #RevPit #10Queries

Q10: YA Cont, Very clean! Some humor/personality that could be strengthened. Could use more emphasis on stakes beyond it would be "good for MC." Other than that, really solid! #RevPit #10Queries

P10: Umm... this was so good. I'm already invested in the MC and the world. My only note would be to use more powerful words at emotionally high moments. Other than that, this was a wonderful note to end on! #RevPit #10Queries

That's it for my #RevPit #10Queries! I will be emailing my authors on Monday giving them more notes. In the meantime, get to work on those queries!

Some notes on what was most prevalent:
-Be specific with the details. Broad strokes aren't interesting, focused details show us your story/world better
-Structure, structure, structure! Keep the format clean and sequential, don't jump around.
1/?
#RevPit #10Queries

More notes cont:
- Follow the rules! Mistakes happen, don't beat yourself up about them. But please try to read all rules that the agent sets up. The say them for a reason. We don't waste our time laying it all out there for nothing.
2/?
#RevPit #10Queries

More notes cont:
-People forget to put voice in the query or shy away from it. Voice is akin to personality. Show the way you write, is it wry? Humorous? Don't tell us, use that humor in the query! Get the facts out there, yes, but use personality
3/?
#RevPit #10Queries

More notes cont:
- Finding the right place to start is difficult. We need to grow the MC and get the story moving with action. Too soon or too late and we won't care about the MC or we'll be bored with nothing happening. Find that balance
4/?
#RevPit #10Queries

And finally:
- Word and detail choice is everything. Simple words are great, but powerful words are even better. Don't waste time with a long description if one powerful word can replace it. Interesting details are more important that a lot of details.
5/5
#RevPit #10Queries

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