Thread by @GlenDivo

So the #MenAreTrash Forum ended a while ago. I have thoughts that I will share shortly but for clarity, I will respect the confidentiality of what was said and speak about my general views of what went right, what went wrong and what could be improved. Soon come.

As stated originally, I went with an open heart and mind to the #MenAreTrash Forum because I wanted to give men the opportunity to do what we feminists, activists and conscious people have told them to do: hold their fellow men accountable. The forum seemed well intended.

I fully understand the concern that many women raised that their exclusion would lead to the creation of an echo chamber where men would shift blame for their behaviours, especially since the hashtag started with women expressing their frustrations, challenges and trauma.

So I went. What was good:

It was generally understood by panelists that men's inability to be vulnerable created high levels of toxicity which made them incapable of expressing their emotions properly and impacted how they raised their children.

One panelist in particular: @amadeusfletch demonstrated a clear understanding of the origins of the hashtag and why there shouldn't be a focus on contesting the generality of the hashtag but rather more efforts ought to be placed on challenging men to be better.

This Forum represented an earnest first step that was far from excellent but commendable. If nothing else, it was made clear that something needs to happen with fathers and how they go about the business of fathering.

It is understood that something needs to change.

I know this is really basic information that women & feminists have said for years but maybe if we can all come to the consensus that our men need to be better able to express their emotions, deal with their issues and relate to those around them better, we'd have done something.

Notwithstanding, many things concerned me. Not all panelists seemed to clearly understand what was behind #MenAreTrash and missed several opportunities. Additionally, there was this tendency to blame "society" for what they have done to men without taking accountability.

There was not enough of participants and panelists saying "we perpetuate", "we raise", "we teach". And so I became very worried that the men would leave the space not seeing themselves as central to the problem and solution. Luckily the point was made in the end.

Also, the discussion was heteronormative from condom presentation to last comment. So while I applaud the ban on sexist and homophobic language, there was no point I, as a gay man, felt like being a man included my experiences. Before unnuh say that's why me go, I'll address that

Homophobia as a feature of toxic masculinity was not discussed. Femmephobia was not discussed. How men in their spaces reinforced toxic behaviours through the use of homophobia was not discussed. The big elephant of the battyman being the antithesis to a man was left unaddressed.

What could be improved:
A stronger panel with not just successful men who do motivational speaking but rather men who understand gender, sexuality and patriarchy. Only one panelist comfortably fit that bill.

There has to be a concerted effort to include queer voices so that men can confront homophobia and how that implicates many toxic behaviours. You're afraid of being seen as a battyman and therefore you do X.

The structure has to be revisited. I suggest 30 minutes of panel and 90 minutes of earnest dialogue so that we can begin the work of challenging mindsets. Many men in the audience were clearly sensitized and were comfortably able to resist the problematic fixation on the hashtag.

I do believe this forum could be strengthened by women being able to submit questions or comments to facilitate convo. Men listen to men but it's women's voices and experiences which often inform and identify the problems with masculinity.

All in all, I give this forum a C+ for its effort and positive dispensation. @jamhan_ja should organize more of these on a monthly basis because this alone is just a scratch on the surface as on participant suggested.

I look forward to more engagement.