1/ I am a graduate of a charedi "Kallah" (bridal) sex education class. Almost everyone I know within the charedi community had their sex education delivered in this way.
2/ There will be many excellent Kallah teachers, and Kallah teachers operate differently in different parts of the Jewish community.
3/ I am commenting on my experience, and many of my friends’ experience, within the charedi community – both Litvish and Chasidish. I am not commenting on 'Chosson' (groom) classes at the moment.
4/ Kallah classes are no substitute for proper education about the importance of consent in sex.
Kallah teachers are entirely unregulated, and the quality of their classes vary in content and in delivery.
But that's not the biggest problem...
Kallah teachers are entirely unregulated, and the quality of their classes vary in content and in delivery.
But that's not the biggest problem...
5/ Kallah classes will generally only take place a very short time before a wedding – usually a week or less. They always take place after the young woman is engaged, and therefore already committed to the marriage.
6/
The explanation is prescriptive – usually with a line drawing of the male and female form. It comes as a shock to many women, particularly those within the Chasidic community.
The explanation is prescriptive – usually with a line drawing of the male and female form. It comes as a shock to many women, particularly those within the Chasidic community.
7/
At this point there is no opportunity to discuss it with the prospective groom, to find out what works for you both, or to back out, especially if the binding 't'noim' document was signed at the engagement party.
At this point there is no opportunity to discuss it with the prospective groom, to find out what works for you both, or to back out, especially if the binding 't'noim' document was signed at the engagement party.
8/
If the bride didn’t know about sex until this point (and many don’t), then in agreeing to the engagement she has not agreed to sex. She cannot agree to sex within the marriage without knowing she is agreeing to have sex with him, as well as marriage.
If the bride didn’t know about sex until this point (and many don’t), then in agreeing to the engagement she has not agreed to sex. She cannot agree to sex within the marriage without knowing she is agreeing to have sex with him, as well as marriage.
9/ If anyone says the two go together, that’s wrong.
10/ However, at this point, she is already either socially or if there is a t’noim, contractually bound to the marriage. This amounts to coercion, or force.
There's another element. Charedi Kallah teachers often insist that a marriage must be consummated on the wedding night.
There's another element. Charedi Kallah teachers often insist that a marriage must be consummated on the wedding night.
11/ This is based on the idea that marital sex is a mitzva, and a mitzva shouldn’t be delayed. Sex becomes a duty, for both parties.
In practice, this means that the first experience of sex follows shortly after being told about it.
In practice, this means that the first experience of sex follows shortly after being told about it.
12/ For too many women, their wedding night is indistinguishable from rape.
Further, many Kallah teachers will tell their students that they have the right to say no – but if they say no, and their husband ‘spills his seed’ or ‘goes elsewhere’, that sin is on them.
Further, many Kallah teachers will tell their students that they have the right to say no – but if they say no, and their husband ‘spills his seed’ or ‘goes elsewhere’, that sin is on them.
13/ For girls brought up on obedience and fear of heaven, this means that true consent can barely be distinguished from no consent. In depriving them of any genuine capacity to consent, we risk making rapists of our sons.
