After enduring a lot of sugar induced hangovers, expensive bar tabs and Excel nightmares, I have now officially tried enough spiked seltzer’s to pair them with every MLS team. Obviously this is very important information and the thread will begin once the EmergeC kicks in...
Before beginning, I would like to note that these are simply my opinions and are not endorsements for any of these brands whatsoever. Anyone who find these pairings inaccurate or wants to complain can email me here: getovrurselfnerd@babywahwah.cry
Atlanta United- Oskar Blues Wild Basin Cucumber Peach: undeniable flavor and super refreshing by all measures. Easily one of the best out there. #UniteAndConquer 
Chicago Fire- Bud Light Strawberry: a lot of potential as a recognized name, but fell flat on its face. If you like a classic seltzer, you won’t like this one. If you want something new and different, you probably also won’t like this one... #CF97
Colorado Rapids- Four Loko Hard Seltzer Black Cherry: I get what they’re trying to do, but man it just doesn’t work for me. An acquired taste for sure, with a hint of “wtf”? #Rapids96
Columbus Crew- SpikedSeltzer Ventura Lemon. The OG of spiked seltzer’s, this is a damn good drink that has simply watched newer brands pass it by in terms of inventiveness. Refreshing and happy it’s still around. #Crew96
DC United- Smirnoff Sparkling Raspberry Rose: big name with every opportunity to hit a home run in the seltzer game. That said, left a lot to be desired and definitely had a diet-y sugar taste that left me feeling “meh” #DCU
FC Dallas- Sauza Agua Fuerta Grapefruit: just a solid beverage that’s clean and tasty. Didn’t blow me away, but certainly something I’d sip on if handed my way. #DTID
FC Cincinnati- Natty Light Seltzer Aloha Beaches: I mean... just why? Very rushed attempt to get in on the seltzer fun and fell far from being what it was advertised. Water your plants with it if you want them to die. Try again... #FCCincy
Houston Dynamo- Corona Refresca Guava Lime: lot of potential here for a solid drink. It really didn’t do anything to set itself apart from the pack except for having a unique flavor; which in itself still me feeling a bit empty. #ForeverOrange
Inter Miami- High Noon Black Cherry: while I’m not the biggest black cherry guy, even I can’t knock this new stuff. Crisp, refreshing and not too sweet on the way down. Should make big moves on the Whiteclaw Black Cherry dominance. #InterMiamiCF
LA Galaxy- Whiteclaw Mango: instantly recognizable and absolutely crushable in all aspects of a seltzer. Not my hands down favorite, but a damn good drink. #LAGalaxy
LAFC- High Noon Pineapple: I couldn’t give their LA counterparts my top mark because this is without question the top of the pack. It’s the only thing with vodka in it that I will genuinely drink copious amounts of, and my morning hangover will thank me for it. #LAFC
Minnesota United- Lift Bridge St. Croix Berries: a friend of mine from Minnesota sent me this and I’ll tell ya, it ain’t bad. Not a huge brand but doesn’t diminish from a solid flavor that is easy on the mouth. #MNUFC
Montreal Impact- Polar Arctic Summer Raspberry Lime: the mistake I made with this one is that it has to be enjoyed super cold... like FREEZING cold. Raspberry lime only works so well in my book, but not a bad beverage by any means. #IMFC
Nashville SC- VIVE Mango Seltzer: everything was there for this to be a homerun of a drink. I love Mango, the design is simple and the smell of it had me really excited. Unfortunately It kinda sucked. Too bitter and I’m disappointed that I got my hopes up. #EveryoneN
New England Revolution- Whiteclaw Raspberry: obviously a tired and true classic of the seltzer movement, this simply didn’t do it for me. The only Whiteclaw beverage that leaves a bad taste in my mouth and would relegate it from the variety pack immediately. #NERevs
NY Red Bull’s- Two Roads Raspberry Seltzer: a better drink than Red Bull with solid flavor. The only issue? The smell is quite unbearable. I almost talked myself out of taking the first sip when the fizz hit my nose. It’s fine, but would not try again. #RBNY
NYCFC- Henry’s Blueberry Lemon: seems it so many times in every store that I caved and had to try it. Blueberry isn’t super common in seltzer’s so I was intrigued, then I cracked it open, then I was sick, then I poured it down the drain. Yikes to the 10th degree. #NYCFC
Orlando City- Truly Black Cherry: a huge name in the seltzer game with little actual substance to the drink. I kept sipping to find something to grab onto and was left wondering “how the hell do so many people drink this?” Would recommend throwing into a creek. #FaceOfCity
Philadelphia Union- Bon & Viv Lemon Lime: this is a damn good seltzer that certainly has built a reputation for itself. Is it Whiteclaw? No. But refreshing, clean and easily crushable. Paired against heavy hitters, this passed the test for me. #DOOP
Portland Timbers- 2 Roads SeekOut Key Lime & Mint: another gift from a friend out west, this seemed like an acquired local taste that I would not enjoy... I was dead wrong. Easily the biggest surprise of the pack. If you’re ever in Oregon, try this seltzer. #RCTID
Real Salt Lake- Golden Road Agua Fresca Strawberry Pineapple: this is another one I thought would become a genuine favorite of mine. The sweetness was a bit too much for me personally, but I get it’s appeal. Other flavors may be better but overall, not bad. #RSL
San Jose Earthquakes- Willie’s Superbrew Ginger and Lemon: amazing taste once it hits your lips, but the finish falls just a bit short (this has been my SJ 2019 season joke). Real talk, solid beverage. #Quakes74
Seattle Sounders- Whiteclaw Lime: the cleanest seltzer you could have. Flavor doesn’t blow you away, but that’s not what the drink is about. It refreshes and does the damn job. A beverage fit for a champion. #SoundersMatchday
Sporting KC- Truly Blueberry Açaí: after my tussle with finding anything good about Truly, I was led to believe this would not be my cup of tea. Man was I wrong... light, crisp with just enough sweetness to go down smooth. Really solid seltzer. #ForGloryForCity
Toronto FC- Svedka Seltzer Strawberry Elderflower: a titan in the alcohol game, releasing spiked seltzer’s was just another step for Svedka. Not bad in regards to flavor, but man do you feel bad after drinking a can. My tum tum can only handle one which is disappointing. #TFCLive
Vancouver Whitecaps- Press Premium Blackberry Hibiscus Seltzer: a real attempt to be the classiest in the seltzer game, there is next to nothing that sets this apart from its competitors. Not to mention it has sugar in it which is not great for your inevitable headache. #VWFC
Finally, out of respect for the girl who turned me into spiked seltzer in the first place, I left Whiteclaw Blck Cherry off of the list. This is her calling card and no MLS franchise can step to my lady @iTsLittleOldMe 💜
This has been my definitive MLS/spiked seltzer pairing.
This has been my definitive MLS/spiked seltzer pairing.
