Thread by @visakanv

Every day I see people who are simultaneously

- bad at replies
- lonely
- anxious about being lonely (which makes them worse at replies)

There’s one guy I can’t stop thinking about because he’s consistently, unnecessarily mean to people, AND he explicitly said in a reply somewhere “I constantly worry that people don’t really like me”. He’s right to be worried! and he could fix it by cutting that shit out!!

I have no doubt that he’s consistently, unnecessarily mean to himself internally too, and I’d guess that some part of him rationalizes this as “being consistent”. Equal opportunity dickishness, dickishness for all

This isn’t really something to be proud of, friends

Sometimes a “simple” problem like this (just stop being a dick!) remains unsolved because there’s an extremely powerful level of dysfunction propping it up. The problem is still *technically* ~simple~, but it’s large, scary, intimidating, etc

I used to be lonely + a bit of an abrasive dick sometimes too. (I don’t think I ever *tried* to be a dick outwardly though- my issue was that I was too bold for people’s tastes, which comes across as arrogant, and I would go nuclear in retaliations bc I was insecure & sensitive)

(To go off on a tangent about this- the bold/arrogant thing has really been clicking for me lately. I suppose it’s a “strong opinions loosely held” thing. Some people think it’s arrogant to speak your mind at all. I think it’s arrogant to think that my ideas don’t need feedback)

(it also took me years to see that not everybody was raised in a sort of argumentative madhouse where everyone shouts over each other. and that you have to practise making space for the quiet & shy, who often have some of the best observations & hypotheses. reader, I married one)