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Me: "Why the HELL are these four things returning out of order?!"

I was today years old when I learned that node.js's asynchronous model forces a rethink of how I imagine code flow to work.
To be very clear here: I'm not trying to dunk on node. I flat out don't understand it; the failure is mine, not the language's.
I think shitting on languages, and by extension the people who use them, is obnoxious.

I don't write particularly good Python either, but my broken understanding of code flow aligns well enough to get the job done.
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