A story and some thinking about pronouns:
Last year i noticed a man I respect a lot put pronouns in his bio: he/him
So I wrote to him and we had quite a long conversation about pronouns
Last year i noticed a man I respect a lot put pronouns in his bio: he/him
So I wrote to him and we had quite a long conversation about pronouns
I said I know you think you are doing a good thing here - you think this is a beneficial social norm and you are doing your bit to spread it, even though no one is ever going to get your pronouns wrong.
But here is the thing: the social norm of not taking pronouns for granted puts a cost on women (it also ultimately costs the people you think it helps ; those who buy into the idea that their wellbeing is affected by pronouns. Encouraging mental fragility is not a social good)
The idea that people should check themself before using the obvious pronoun to refer to someone based on the sex they perceive them to be (or to be polite the gender they are seeking to portray) puts women on the back foot in interactions when they already have less power.
I don't think women should live life in fear but at the same time every woman from the time she reaches puberty will encounter situations where blokes get leary, handsy, creepy & worse. No one checks pronouns to work out who gets this treatment
The social norm that we should pretend we don't recognise sex, and that we need to wait until someone tells us their pronouns before referring to them, or recognising patterns of behaviour does not help women.
In practice the enforced pronoun norm can also be used to bully (and then I told him about Gregor Murray, and about Maria Maclachlan and Tara Wolf, and about the Equal Treatment Bench Book) .
He wrote back with a long and thoughtful reply - he said he agreed that judges should not require a rape victim to refer to her attacker as "she"; nor should anyone be victimised for getting a pronoun wrong & that women's sports and spaces should be protected.
But in general he said he was open to the view that it is courteous to treat people how they want to be treated & refer to them in whatever way they prefer & if its
uncomfortable for some people to suggest their pronouns, then the rest of us can make it easier by normalising it
uncomfortable for some people to suggest their pronouns, then the rest of us can make it easier by normalising it
He said those of us who want to defend important boundaries for the rights of women should, wherever possible, treat people with respect, both because it is the right thing to do and because it demonstrates that we are not bigots.
I agree with him in general, and we agreed that pronouns are a politeness.
But i have also come to experience that there is not a sweet spot in this debate were you can say I think sex is immutable and important and not be called a bigot.
But i have also come to experience that there is not a sweet spot in this debate were you can say I think sex is immutable and important and not be called a bigot.
I said I there are 3 sets of social norms in competition
1) call ppl strictly by sex
2) call ppl by the pronoun which comes naturally based on what you know about the person
3) never assume pronouns
1 & 3 are hardline. 2 is pragmatic & tolerant & realistically what most do
1) call ppl strictly by sex
2) call ppl by the pronoun which comes naturally based on what you know about the person
3) never assume pronouns
1 & 3 are hardline. 2 is pragmatic & tolerant & realistically what most do
I also said this is what Kristina Harrison says about pronouns
All of this was before my tribunal (where I never thought pronouns would play such a big role in the judgment)
This friend did take the pronouns out of his bio (provisionally, he might decide to put them back :)
This friend did take the pronouns out of his bio (provisionally, he might decide to put them back :)
