There was a time in my life that I confused self confidence with pride.
In my personal efforts to be of value to my creator, I felt part of the crucial exercise was self debasement
It was a metaphysical journey that took about 6 years.
In my personal efforts to be of value to my creator, I felt part of the crucial exercise was self debasement
It was a metaphysical journey that took about 6 years.
I had moved from being a family indoctrinated theist, to the extreme of atheism (which took me through university and early marriage), and had emerged at a point of defeat and extreme brokenness at the other end.
This coincided with a period of familiarization and adjustment
This coincided with a period of familiarization and adjustment
There was I, made to believe that somehow, life's goal was a quest for human perfection modelled on self effort in order to court the favours of an unseen creator who I now fervently believed existed
The first casualty of this crusade was "pride"
In my lack of sophistication,
The first casualty of this crusade was "pride"
In my lack of sophistication,
I had associated self esteem (& all its accoutrements), with pride & proceeded to exterminate myself of the "virus"
What this did was to strip myself of pretence & shame. I became laid bare. Without guile
Unfortunately this exposed others within my inner circle beyond myself
What this did was to strip myself of pretence & shame. I became laid bare. Without guile
Unfortunately this exposed others within my inner circle beyond myself
When a man and woman are courting, a good deal of what they are attracted to is the picture they have painted in their minds about their lover
My acts at self penance were brutally altering the picture my own lover had painted about me in her mind.
And so the disgust began.
My acts at self penance were brutally altering the picture my own lover had painted about me in her mind.
And so the disgust began.
Until even the familiar playful spank became forbidden.
The masquerade became unmasked, and what lay underneath was even uglier.
It was then I learned the difference between arrogance and self esteem
One is bad while the other is crucial.
In despising myself, I had made
The masquerade became unmasked, and what lay underneath was even uglier.
It was then I learned the difference between arrogance and self esteem
One is bad while the other is crucial.
In despising myself, I had made
myself despicable to others.
Unfortunately such emotions are difficult to reverse.
In seeking to earn the creator's love and favour, I had made myself despicable to my fellow man
From where did this idea emerge that one had to earn the love of one's creator?
Unfortunately such emotions are difficult to reverse.
In seeking to earn the creator's love and favour, I had made myself despicable to my fellow man
From where did this idea emerge that one had to earn the love of one's creator?
Is the potter unfamiliar with his clay?
On the other hand, being the object of disgust places one at a unique vantage point to observe how things really work
As though one weren't even there
The journey continues in it's undulating excitement & thrill
Learning also continues
On the other hand, being the object of disgust places one at a unique vantage point to observe how things really work
As though one weren't even there
The journey continues in it's undulating excitement & thrill
Learning also continues
