In my personal efforts to be of value to my creator, I felt part of the crucial exercise was self debasement
It was a metaphysical journey that took about 6 years.
This coincided with a period of familiarization and adjustment
The first casualty of this crusade was "pride"
In my lack of sophistication,
What this did was to strip myself of pretence & shame. I became laid bare. Without guile
Unfortunately this exposed others within my inner circle beyond myself
My acts at self penance were brutally altering the picture my own lover had painted about me in her mind.
And so the disgust began.
The masquerade became unmasked, and what lay underneath was even uglier.
It was then I learned the difference between arrogance and self esteem
One is bad while the other is crucial.
In despising myself, I had made
Unfortunately such emotions are difficult to reverse.
In seeking to earn the creator's love and favour, I had made myself despicable to my fellow man
From where did this idea emerge that one had to earn the love of one's creator?
On the other hand, being the object of disgust places one at a unique vantage point to observe how things really work
As though one weren't even there
The journey continues in it's undulating excitement & thrill
Learning also continues