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It seems appropriate for me to tweet a few words as #WorldMentaHealthDay flips over to #NationalComingOutDay, given me experience with both.
Follow along, or catch me in the morning. ❤️💛💚💙💜
For the longest time, I think I was embarrassed talking about my mental health issues not only bc of mental health stigma — but also b/c ...
... I didn’t want to “tarnish” the image of being a “well-adjusted homosexual” by admitting that I was not perfect. It’s absurd, but v real.
That also meant I was compartmentalizing things even after I came out as gay. I was a proud gay man—but I never talked about being bipolar.
I thought it was fine: “That’s private. And plus, I’ve been on the same meds since 21. It’s not important.” But, it was. And is.
As my drinking got out of control as my 20s wore on into my 30s, I downplayed my drinking to therapists & few friends knew of my diagnosis.
There was no one to connect the dots except me, because no one was given access to all of the dots. And I refused to draw the lines.
As the situation worsened, I reached points where people—family and gay friends (some, my chosen family)—grew concerned and said things.
I didn’t listen, for the most part, although I heard. I damaged many of those friendships, as I continued damaging myself.
I wasn’t taking care of my bipolar or my growing alcoholism, so I wasn’t truly able to enjoy the out and proud gay life I so wanted to live.
Eventually, in the summer of 2010 — 15 years after I started coming out — I ran out of excuses for my drinking & I had to connect the dots.
I stopped drinking & started getting sober. I also learned a lot more about living w bipolar once I stopped trying to smother it w alcohol.
I started connecting with my family more — but also appreciating the gay family of friends that I have been so blessed to have in my life.
I’ve been out since 1995-96, living with my bipolar diagnosis since 1998, and sober since 2010. It’s been a roller coaster of a ride.
But, over these past few weeks, it feels like I’ve learned so much from those experiences and am truly so incredibly blessed.
Before I knew what was wrong w me, I assumed it had to do w my bipolar, and was honest and upfront and asked friends for help. They gave it.
Once I was in the hospital—which also happened w the help of friends—the doctors figured out it was Hepatitis A and they monitored my liver.
Family & friends came in to town to be w me, friends visited me, & messages were constant. It was scary at points, but I knew I was loved.
Once I was discharged, the love continued — up through today, when I came back to work and they had a late birthday party for me. (Awww!)
The point: My life is so much better now that I don’t need to compartmentalize all of that. Being honest and open is so much healthier.
I know I’m so very privileged to work at a place where me tweeting all of this before bed is seen as a positive thing, not an “image issue.”
But it really shouldn’t ever be seen as an “image issue” for people to be honest about facing mental health issues or treating addiction.
My being honest about the blessings & challenges of my life (most are a bit of both, tbh) is one of the greatest gifts I bring into my 40s.
I know such public sharing isn’t for everyone — even if they ~could~ do so. That’s totally fine! It’s not for everyone — or for all times.
But if your are dealing w similar overlapping issues, I urge you to at least find some place (a group, etc) or someone to share it all with.
It’s important not to have to rely on yourself to be willing to connect all the dots. For me, sometimes I need someone else to help.
I love my life, my family, my friends, my job, my being gay, my bipolar, and my sobriety. It took 40 years to say that. But, hey, I’m here.
So, that’s that. ... And on that note, I’m off to sleep. ... Night, all, and let us be good to one another — and ourselves.
For more about my sobriety, here’s a thread from June:
