Thread by @Currie_Powder

You guys. Wait till I get sober. I have a thread for you about a certain lady that could not stop farting at a night club in Nanyuki. Starting 2018 on a clean air note #SisterMakunyambis

So me and my coffee farming associate sat and discussed vile National Cereals and Produce Board had paid us on time before Xmas. Tukasema with the heaviness of the pocket, hii sikukuu haiwezi kulika Rongai. Tukasema pesa tutaenda kuananga Kenya.

3 bottles of Konyak-ghi later, we found ourselves enroute to the slopes of Mount Kenya. Kadi yangu ya Equity ilikuwa na 30 thousad na kadi ya Gatonye ilikuwa na 26k. We were balling!! Nanyuki was not ready

So just before the new year, kedo 10pm on 31st, we tried to look for a place to drink some dogogoio. Nanyuki has many wazungus and we thought we could afford their alcohols. But we were quickly reminded that the next NCPB payment will be in October 2018 tukazima moto

We somehow ended up at a popular local bar. Kisungu is not my strength, but nadhani ilikuwa inaitwa sijui mahogane, anga mihogo club sijui mehongine, i cannot remember the name

Ilikuwa very well set up, palikuwa na DJ wale wa kuvunja madirisha every 15 seconds na kupiga tarumbeta ni kama wako salvation army. Gatonye had withdrawn all his 26k and had put it inside his kagoti lakini mimi niriabiwa kenya watu hu suwaip kadi nikasema nitafanya hiyo

His excuse was that tusichana twa siku hizi tunawesanga ku hack hadi akiri na ju Nanyuki ni high altitude hataki wachukue pesa yake kwa ATM. Nikamwambia atige goma zake awache tukunywe in peace

Tukakaa kwa bar tukaitisha white cap mbili baridi. Next to us kulikuwa na wasichana watatu, mmoja wao ule alikuwa next to me alikuwa na kisogo aki ma Ngai, weave yake ilikuwa inaanza hapa nyuma ya maskio

Huyo forehead yake ilikuwa ina shine aki, kama nzi inge land hapo inge slide hadi kwa mapua. This is the lady that we shall soon learn is called Sister Makunyambis kana mwenda Sis Kunyambis

Sis Kunyambis alikuwa amekaa next to 2 other girls, hao walikuwa wanakaa sawa na Gatonye after his 3rd white cap was ready to inform them of his presence at the bar.
"Japhs washa nipite nisarimiane!"
"Tiga waana huyo nili time mbele yako!"
"Mimi nikona cash money ret me pass!"

It was at this stage of squabbles and silent arguments that all hell broke loose! A strong pungent smell, midhili ya a dead cat that had previously eaten 15 rotten boiled eggs before its demise 10 years ago filled the area.

"NGAI WAITINA NIKII MADHARAU? Sasa una chuta utafanya mandem wahepe?"
"Gatonye I swear on all my girlfriends that my wife does not know about, sio mimi!"
The smell continued getting stronger. There was now an added flavour of brookside milk resisted since November

After establishing that the horrendous stinks had not emanated from either of us, we looked at Sis Kunyambis. Even in the midst of the strong smell, she quietly continued gulping her Guinness like there was nothing happening. Her dina were facing us so we were in the line of fire

"Japhs hiki kischana ulikuwa unataka kuongelesha dio kina ashiria mashuzi hivyo?"
"Gats si ni wewe ulikuwa unamutaka? Kuja basi umuongeleshe!"
"Ai asha huyu naesa rudisha pale Kirimara ararue mukondoro ya hoteri na mithurio!"
Suddenly, we heard, "WEWE! NI NINI BAYAA?"

I had her to my back so I was like shit ametuskia tuki sheneneka about her fartings. Gatonye started drinking his whitecap like we were not even together. I slowly turned to her to check what the problem is. She was holding her empty guinness bottle by the opening. Woi

"KIMANI SI UNIRETEE GUINNESS IGINE KWANI UNATAKA NI MBEGH?"

I have to say, there are many sighs of reief that are sighed daily all around the world by millions of people. But at that very moment, there was no sigh that felt as important as the sigh that Gatonye and I sighed.
"Kumbe sio sisi anapigia kelele!"
"Kira kabla akuskie nugu ino"

"Yaani arienda nahuko akakula mitura hazijapitia kwa KEBS halafu anakuja kuzima moto na guinness? Ndio maana anashuta kama sewage"
"Huyu pengine alichanganya ugali na matoke alafu sasa anaongeza guinness. Ndio maana!"
"Ama pengine ni..."
My words were cut short, by another attack

You see guys, there is a thing about women that drink Guinness. They are not the normal women-folk. Hawa ni wale ukipatana nao wanakusalimia with a tight grip, just to inform you of how things can be down under.

Women that drink Guinness can till your 10 acre land in 2hrs and still go to the river and fetch water, cook for your 15 kids and still work your penis at 2am like you were a small 18yr old virgin boy

Women that drink Guiness arethise that always have red eyes and have a dark sense of humour. She will greet you "niaje budaa" and you will still fall in love with her. These women demand and command respek!

Gatonye and I were there bickering about Sis Kunyambis while a ka waiter ran about to bring her next Guinness when another chemical attack took place. I could feel it sticking inside my nostrils and Gatonye was turning blue due to non oxygen. Then it finally happened.
"SASENI?"

"Wewe unaongeleshwa!" Gatonye said in the midst of breathing problems
"Sio mimi"
"Weh niurarerio hau tiga umangaa"
"I can't breathe"
"Washa kulenga supuu"
"Uyu urathuria ta goma...."

sis kunyambis tapping my shoulder "ESCHOOS ME, DO YOU SPIK IGRISH?"

"Geuka ujifanye wewe ni wa british army!"
"Gatonye unajua mashallenges zangu na kisungu. Atanusa uongo immediate"
"Basi geuka umwabie awache kushuta."

I slowly turned around and faced Kunyambis. She was smiling with all but the 14 teeth still visible.
"HAE"
I was hit by a combination of choma sausages, smokies, maziwa mala, dhania and guinness
"Yes?" I quipped
"I am sorre but hae was wadaring if fnksua sbywobs nslsjbskab skj."

At that stage her speech became a bit slurred so I could not hear what she was saying, i asked her to repeat, brining my face closer to her mouth so as to hear clearly. Which was a big mistake because that was when I realised I had missed the muthokoi breath

"I yam shaying..bahis laoyx bagayoe dlpcmsh aouvs vay...."
I could not understand a thing. Either that or the dangerous smells from her mouth short circuited my brain. I stood back upright and faced Gatonye
"So amekuambia? Akona mashida ya maini?"
"Huyu anaongea upus!"

"Basi tutoke hapa kwa bar tuende pale kwa balcony tuache huyu supuu wako hapa akinyamba!"
"Tuitishe white cap zingine halafu..."
Our conversation was cut short when a seemingly drunk middle aged man walked in with an accomplice, and spotted Kunyambis

He waltzed to where she was seated and tapped her shoulder
"Heh sasa? Unakaa poa! Nikununurie ka gino?"
Gatonye whispered "apana tukae hapa tuone vile kutaenda!"
He had read my mind, it was exactly what I wanted.

Due to space at the bar, his accomplice sat on the other side next to Gatonye. Within 2 min, this fella had taken over Kunyambis' seat and she was busy grinding on his crotch like all her Guinnesses depended on it

"Woi si usaidie huyu bratha umwambie hiyo jeans itabidi ametupa"
"Ata naogopa akimpeleka nyumbani atatupa nyumba mzima. Atafikiria ni sewage imetoboka

Then he suddenly turned to me
"BRATHA! UHORO? MI NAITWA DENNIS WA ISIOLO NA HUYO HAPO NI MY ASSOSICATE ANAITWA MR. OWINO!
"Yes ni kwega mimi naitwa Japhetha na huyu ni Gatonye na tumetoka Rongai"
"Nikona chamba mbiri Rongai by the way 50 by 100 nauza bei mzuri unataka?"

"Hapana niko sawa" i quickly tried to finish the conversation when I noticed Kunyambis frowning thinking I was taking all the attention from her, as the heartily and busily tried to shake whatever it is she was attempting to shake. Then it happened again! The smell

The first to be hit was Dennis wa Isiolo. His face suddenly changed like he had just tasted the fart live on his tongue. Seconds later it hit us.
"Ngai nuu ucio??" Dennis shouted
"Kuna majamaa wanashida wakipita pita hapa nyuma waki shuta" Kunyambis replied

Dennis was not convinced. So he did what every person seeking closure would do. He turned her around, bent over to her butt and took one hell of a sniff. He then collapsed to the ground. Gatonye, Owino and I helped him up.
"WEWE! NA HII JEANS NILINUNUA LEO! UNA NYAMBA GAS GANI?"