Thread by @cmclymer

I had a plan to commit suicide in 2010. I was 23 at the time. I had been struggling for years with severe sexual and physical abuse I experienced as a child, and I had made an art out of covering it up and refusing to ask for help. That was a really bad idea. (thread)

2/ Part of the reason I never asked for help is because the abuse was done by a parent: my mother. My experience w/ abuse tricked me into believing it was okay to do everything on your own. Asking for help was asking to be vulnerable and inviting abuse. Don't ask. Do it yourself.

3/ I don't think I even consciously thought of what I went through as abuse for a long time. I didn't recognize it because if no one else was concerned, why should I be? I simply learned not to give my abuser, my mother, that leverage. Don't ask for help. Do it yourself.

4/ This extended into everything in my life. In school, I didn't ask for tutoring, I just studied harder. I didn't ask for life advice, I simply looked up my question online. It's not that I thought adults in my life would abuse me. It was more: why give them the chance?

5/ In fact, I prided myself on being the kind of self-sufficient kid that adults would believe is responsible. But I was not responsible. I was terrified and doing a great job of making it look like I could juggle everything. It was incredibly unhealthy.

6/ I wish I could tell you that I never went through with my suicide plan because I sought out help when I was 23, but I didn't. I was hospitalized after a much wiser, much older adult asked if I needed help because she noticed something was off.

7/ The last time I was hospitalized, two years later, was the only time I've walked into an emergency room and been frank with nursing staff: "I'm having strong suicidal thoughts. I think I may hurt myself. I need help." And they helped. They were warm and gracious and took over.

8/ I've been in therapy for going on seven years. I've had to retrain myself--rewire myself--to not only accept help from others but ask for help. It's not easy. I still often shy away from it. And not a day goes by without me wishing I had asked for help when I was a kid.

9/ I hate how depression and suicide have been weirdly commercialized. In the midst of supposed "awareness" is a strange exploitation that seems to communicate to kids that suicide and depression will them cooler and/or more in touch with what it means to be "real".

10/ And so, I'm not really surprised by the Logan Paul video. I think it's abhorrent and disgusting and narcisistic and irresponsible, but I'm not surprised. It's yet another incident in this culture of "detached irony" that some seem to love. "Awareness"? No.

11/ Suicide is not sexy or cool. It doesn't make you seem more deep. It doesn't make you a better artist. It doesn't make you a fuller human being. Depression is an illness. PTSD is an illness. They are disabilities. They must be acknowledged and treated.

12/ Depression is also not shameful. Presidents, scientists, doctors, writers, professors, entertainers, countless military veterans -- all and more have negotiated lifelong depression. But they weren't successful because they were depressed. That's not how it works.

13/ Don't be like me. You should ask for help. You should do so now. Here are some hotlines you can call. And there's no pressure from them. If you get uncomfortable, just hangup. They've heard it all. Trust me:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline -- 1-800-273-8255

14/ There are also some specialized hotlines that may be of help:

National Sexual Assault Hotline -- 1-800-656-4673
Trevor Project LGBTQ Hotline -- 1-866-488-7386
Trans LifeLife -- 1-877-565-8860

15/ Looking back, one of my proudest moments in life was asking for help when I needed it the most. It didn't feel very good at the time, but I know see how much strength it took. Asking for help is what a strong person does. Always ask for help. /thread