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Cleolinda Jones @cleolinda
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Okay, yesterday I watched Empire Strikes Back
Today, I overslept a bit and then had to get on the phone with my insurance but that’s okay because you know what today is. You know. It’s EPISODE VI: MURDER BEARS #sithmas
Look at my beautiful bears. Look at their vicious little faces. (Galaxy of Heroes doles out 10 Wicket shards every couple of months, damn them) #sithmas
The SWGOH ewoks were pretty funny from the start, but then one day the game revised their look and suddenly they were funny but also TERRIFYING. They did maintain their magnificent battle cries (“EEYAH! AIEEEEEYAHHH!!!”) #sithmas
This is the mobile game, Galaxy of Heroes. I’ve been playing it 2+ years now. I’ve fed it a couple of iTunes gift cards. Don’t give it money. Some people spend $1000s on it. Save yourself while you still can #sithmas
But I get ahead of myself. I think we start with the bizarro Jabba’s palace stuff, which is my primary memory of being 4yo when this movie came out in 1983. I had one (1) trading card and kept studying it, like, “I cannot even begin to brain what is going on here.” #sithmas
Wait, all this business is back on Tattooine? Did I just think there was... another desert planet? (Well, there is.) I mean, CGI Jabba WAS at Mos Eisley, so....... I need a map with lots of string tacked on it #sithmas
Honestly, I think the OT effects might be even more impressive than what came after, just because I can’t believe they pulled all this off in the early ‘80s. I mean, I’ve seen enough about the movies that I know how they did this, but also HOW DID THEY DO THIS? #sithmas
The true measure of the fandom is whether you are prepared to argue the most random shit imaginable #sithmas
Okay, so, the Rebels wrecked shit for a couple of movies (R1/ANH), the Empire Struck Back, and while Our Heroes are having to deal with that, Vader still came out of that movie empty-handed. Everyone at the Death Star II facility is just praying he doesn’t look at them. #sithmas
Vader is SO SHINY, the colors and clarity are so good. I doubt they were this good in 1983. #sithmas
I just got a whiff of something extremely familiar about the uniformed officers (and terrified commander) Vader walks past/with in a wide shot. It’s the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981). I mean, yes, that was ALWAYS the subtext, but you really feel it there. #sithmas
Awww, scared R2, little buddy. I can’t remember why these two droids waltz in like this isn’t the worst idea ever, so I’m just going to assume it’s part of a Cunning Plan #sithmas
Jabba has always freaked me the hell out, and I think the less you can tell he’s an intergalactic slug, the freakier he is. Just a pile of... something #sithmas
Ah yes, droid torture. This entire place is just so alarming. #sithmas
Listen, I apologize for the crudeness, but I went through great personal risk to google this, and if I have to know what they call the music in Jabba’s palace *and the junior novelization,* you do too. #sithmas
Like... what? What are you guys doing out here? What? What? #sithmas
What Are You Guys Even Doing With This: A Star Wars Story #sithmas
What is entering my eyeballs right now. Like I remember this but I also REALLY DON’T. Did they add to this for the Special Edition? Okay, lips alien is so incredibly CGI, they totally did. #sithmas
You see why I was so confused. Also, everything about this continues to be alarming #sithmas
I do remember that the bounty hunter with Chewbacca is actually Leia (thermal detonators work especially well with a full bounty hunter squad, and she would be a fun future addition. Lando’s barely even trying though) #sithmas
Jabba is the worst Santa Claus ever #sithmas
This time the captions are attempting to actually transcribe Wookiee. “Chewie, what’s going on?!” “ARR GARRR ARRRR” #sithmas
Ah yes, Huttslayer Leia #sithmas
lol, Luke just gonna kenobi his way in here with the Force wave #sithmas
For some reason, the Rancor was the scene that always seemed to be on when I was a kid. Man, it’s just... not pleasant. It’s also the first raid they put in the mobile game; you start to strategize around the fact that it eats your squad one by one. #sithmas
Dropping the door on the Rancor buys you some time to wail on it, rather than kill it. The grieving rancorkeeper is a strange bit of pathos, I remember that too #sithmas
The palace and the sarlacc pit are classic stuff so I won’t complain, but half a hour into the movie we are really far off the Death Star plot, aren’t we? But it’s very adventure serial, so I get it. #sithmas
And there goes Boba Fetch. AVENGE THE TWI’LEK LADY, LEIA #sithmas
awww, I remember that too now #sithmas
You know, speaking of serials, I’ve heard that waaaaaay back in the day they used to run movies over and over, and you’d come in whenever you wanted and leave once you’d seen what you wanted, the whole thing or not. #sithmas
[citation needed], but it reminds me of the way I would wander in and out of our den with the OT constantly on. #sithmas
Ohhh, I remember hearing that, yes #sithmas
Okay, we’re out of Tattooine and on to Dagobah; time for a lunch/stretch break. #sithmas
I’m back. Come to the dark side, we have cookies (homemade chocolate chip pecan). RED DUDES! I LOVE MY RED DUDE! The Imperial Guard is one of the first toons you get in Galaxy of Heroes, and you lean on him for a loooong time. #sithmas
That vibrant splash of red in the vast, shiny black-and-white hangar is so fantastic, and The Last Jedi picks that up and runs with it to great effect. #sithmas
This walk-and-talk with Vader and a smug Palpatine (“Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen”) feels like the basis for TLJ Snoke, who has always been kind of like Emperor Concentrate, Just Add Water. Which I’m fine with, as a viewer I can infer the parallels. #sithmas
I mean, as far as I can tell, if you only watch the OT, you don’t know a damn thing about who the Emperor used to be or how he corrupted Anakin. You take it on faith and it’s fine. #sithmas
“Yoda, *is* Darth Vader my father? What’s the retcon on that, have we decided?” #sithmas
Okay, so, there’s an uncertain theory that Palpatine (Plagueis? Are they the same person or master/student?) meddled with the midichlorians and created Anakin, who otherwise has no biological father. #sithmas…
For the purposes of this argument, I am willing to consider Palpatine to be Anakin/Vader’s father. So we have this persistent idea that sons have to kill fathers, three generations of them. You might even say Rey has to kill the idea of her parents. #sithmas
By the time we hit the last movie, we’re up to “the Jedi Order needs to die” and “kill the past if you have to,” statements made on both the light side and the dark. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but it keeps coming up. #sithmas
“Yeah, find out it’s your father you have to kill, I did not want you to. btw another Skywalker there is, just tell you I could but nah.” #sithmas
The way Yoda dies (in a cave, disappearing, blanket falling) reminds me of the Mystic who dies in The Dark Crystal, which came out the year before and was also made by director/puppeteer Frank Oz and producer Gary Kurtz. #sithmas
It’s true, Luke is currently in black, entered the movie choking Jabba’s guards, and just got told that the Emperor’s gonna corrupt him if he’s not careful. #sithmas
“Obi-Wan, why didn’t you tell me?” “Well, you see, my boy, we hadn’t quite decided on it at the time. Sorry about the thing with your sister.” “wait what” #sithmas
Ah, “from a certain point of view” harkens back to Anakin shouting about how the Jedi are evil from HIS point of view. #sithmas…
Man, I am impressed—I thought Obi-Wan was about to drop the sister bomb on Luke but Luke immediately guesses that it’s the only major female character in the trilogy #sithmas
Finally, back to the Rebels. I would be there on opening day for Many Bothans: A Star Wars Story #sithmas
Why are these two chuckleheads already generals and Leia’s not, she was RUNNING the Hoth evacuation, excuse me #sithmas
Aren’t there only supposed to be two Sith at a given time? Vader may need to do the math on Palpatine’s intentions here #sithmas
I distinctly remember watching the Endor scenes with my mom on her bed, the speeder scene in particular #sithmas
The gang has been on Endor five minutes and already the endeavor has gone sideways #sithmas
Leia didn’t come back. You know what that means. EEYAH!! #sithmas
Jesus Christ that thing is terrifying #sithmas
I had a plush Wicket and its eyes were exactly as terrifying. Didn’t know I should have been feeding it rice cakes #sithmas
“WOO HA!” I want an entire movie of Leia and Wicket beating stormtrooper ass #sithmas
Just gonna note down “He will come to you. His compassion for you will be his undoing” here for later #sithmas
omg it’s my boy Teebo. His randomized group stealth is so good that people actually use him on non-ewok squads. Also, he’s fucking terrifying #sithmas
I just heard one of my bears’ special-ability battle cries in the background, this is THE BEST #sithmas
It’s Logray! There’s a baby Ewok! In a treehouse village! They’re gonna eat the guys! Foodsharer, Princess of Murder Bears! How did people not love this?! #sithmas
AIEEEEYAHHH!! #sithmas
looooool, ewoks cuddling with Han during Golden God Storytime #sithmas
“You’re wrong, Leia. YOU HAVE THAT POWER TOO I’M JUST SAYING #sithmas
You’re my sister, Leia! “I know... somehow I’ve always known.” This is super not fixing anything, George Lucas #sithmas
Oh. Luke just... walked up to the Imperial base. I thought he might lead up to a confrontation by stealthing in, but no, he just showed up and said hey #sithmas
Intensity is really working for Luke #sithmas
That was an intense, pivotal discussion we just had on Murder Bear Moon. Oddly enough, I think the “two really different things going on here” aspect works better here than in the prequels. #sithmas
I think it helps that there is a reasonable amount of movie in this movie; the ewoks are grounded in practical effects and somewhat terrifying; the tone isn’t pushed too far either way towards silly or portentous. It’s honestly fairly restrained. #sithmas
omg, Grand Theft Speeder Bear #sithmas
Luke really confident about walking in and sassing the Emperor, I dig it #sithmas
omg it’s ALL THE EWOKS. I was doubtful of Jyn’s “one rebel with a sharp stick” speech, but apparently you just need a LOT of sharp sticks #sithmas
noooooo the little grieving ewok #sithmas
Strangely enough, I remember that vividly from when I was a kid. I... did not remember Chewie and the teddy bears hijacking a walker: #sithmas
omg Vader threw his saber at Luke, THAT’S why it’s his second special ability in the game! #sithmas
WHOA LUKE, CHILL! Also why does Palpatine look like his brain is coming out of his forehead. Like I think I see lobes #sithmas
Okay throwing your lightsaber away is like too far in the chill direction #sithmas
I actually remember the Force lightning and Vader just heaving Palpatine into the abyss pretty clearly. FUCKING SHEEEEEEV #sithmas
Again, Lando blowing up the reactor and flying out looks amazing, I can’t even imagine what it looked like in 1983 #sithmas
Ah, Leia Force-senses that Luke made it out okay. Also: CACKLING at Han learning that Luke is her brother. Like for a solid thirty seconds, *while she’s kissing him,* the entire trilogy is flashing before his eyes. o_O #sithmas
Apparently they have Wicket’s blessing. Man, imagine an officiant asking if there are any objections and 5432578865 ewoks pop up shouting with spears #sithmas
Ah, yes, Special Edition celebration scenes across the galaxy. Visually they don’t fit, but I always did think it was a little unsatisfying that only the people on Murder Bear Moon knew the Empire had just been defeated. #sithmas
This sounds like a wildly different ewok village song than I remember. Also, I SWEAR I remember this version: #sithmas
Ehhhhhh I understand the logic behind Force Ghost Hayden Christensen, it’s not the worst thing the revisions have done—wait now he’s just doing the creepy eyes again. And so Anakin ghosted as he lived #sithmas
Okay, at minimum I will take tomorrow off for the sake of my back, I need to be exercising more. I know I’ll rewatch the two new movies on my own at the very least; I can keep discussing if people want to. #sithmas
Wait, what the hell, I just saw David Fincher’s name in the credits? Google seems to confirm that that’s how he got his start, so there’s that #sithmas
Also, I don’t want to hear ONE WORD about how the Death Star fallout destroyed Endor and/or the murder bears, do you hate joy #sithmas
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