Thread by @cmpriest

Things overheard whilst a zippy Pomeranian named "Chunk" escaped his yard and chased after me while I walked Greyson and Lucy this morning. A thread:

"You get your fat furry ass back here, Chunk! You know what you are? You are BRUNCH when those dogs catch you!"

"THEY ARE GONNA EAT YOU! DON'T DO IT! I LOVE YOU, CHUNK, GET BACK HERE!"

"YOU ARE A SNACK! A MOTHERFUCKING SNACK!"

"AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA BE MAD ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT YOU FAT LITTLE FERRET IN A BEAR SUIT!"

"NAW, I'M JUST LYIN'. COME BACK, CHUNK! I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A SNACK! YOU'RE MY LITTLE SNACK! MOMMA LOVES YOU! COME TO MOMMA!"

"FOR CHRISSAKE CHUNK DON'T DO IT! DON'T RUN UP ON THAT LADY! DON'T RUN UP ON THOSE DOGS!"

"OH GOD I CAN'T LOOK"

ME: "IT'S OKAY! YOU CAN LOOK! THEY WON'T HURT HIM, THEY LIKE LITTLE DOGS!" (this woman was down the block, on the other side of the street, incoming)

WOMAN: "YOU DON'T KNOW THE LITTLE SHIT LIKE I DO! HE'LL BITE THEIR ANKLES AND THEY'LL SNACK HIM!"

Chunk: [arrives] [dive-bombs Lucy's ankles]
Lucy: [IS DELIGHTED]
Greyson: [IS APPALLED AND ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE]
Me: [tries not to step on Chunk while simultaneously trying to keep own dogs under control]

"HE'S A HORRIBLE LITTLE SHIT AND I LOVE HIM, PLEASE DON'T LET THEM EAT HIM!"

Lucy: [IS 100% HERE FOR THIS NEW GAME]
Chunk: [BEGINS PEEING ON EVERYTHING WITHIN REACH]
Greyson: [IS ALSO A BOY DOG AND EVERYONE KNOWS THE LAST BOY-DOG TO PEE ON THE SPOT WINS]
Chunk: [IS UP FOR THE CHALLENGE]
Lucy: [STILL JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH HER NEW LITTLE FRIEND]

Me: [140-pounds of woman attempting to corral approximately 200 pounds of dog while approximately 5 pounds of dog weaves between her feet looking for fresh things to pee on]

Also me: [gets feet peed on]

Chunk's Momma: [arrives, out of breath] [scoops up Chunk] [hugs Chunk tightly] [realizes Chunk is now spattered in pee, some of it not his own] [quite reasonably sets Chunk back down on the ground] "DEAR GOD."

Me: "Yeah, sorry about that."
Her: "No, I'm sorry - and he deserves the fuck out of the bath he's about to get."

And SCENE.

Epilogue: I went home and threw my sneakers in the washing machine, and these two are still smiling because Chunk’s momma told them they were very good and gave them pettings.