Thread by @SuperNerdMike

I ever tell y'all about the time me, Jason of @GradedPointFive, & @Misogynerd took down a Russian spy posing as a Mounty while touring a B.C. mountain weed grow op run out of a mom & pop store in the Rockies?

We were on a mission of sorts, helping reverse traffick a Thai lady boy (whose dad we owed a favor to), to try & get her back to her home country after being kidnapped by a triad mobster who called himself Shen Long.
Had to move her from Edmonton to Victoria.

It was a stressful passing through the mountains, & I was beat.

Jason offered to take first watch, & me & Ace went to sleep while he watched Lingling to make sure she was alright, & that nobody came after us to behead anybody with a machete. Had to have been around 3pm.

After landing in Victoria in the grey hound, I noticed Jason had a gleam in his eyes, & that meant only one thing: he found drugs or had a plan for drugs.

So after a fight with a leprechaun, & one of the gachimuchi brothers in a rainbow palace (Ace refuses to give me context)

Lingling's on a boat back to Thailand, Jason comes over, & says, "We gotta go back."
"Where?"
"The mountains."
"Wait, why?"
"I saw the famous dank mountain beast, the king of Bud growing up there in the hills outside a mom & pops."

So, after my head cleared, we got a bus back.

I'm on watch, trying to make sense of Jason's directions ("You can't miss it, there's more poppies around it than the Taliban")
Then I start to see them. All along the road, poppies.
I didn't take take note of them at the time, because they probably were uh. Reminders of uh.

The great Grizzly-Mounty war of 18 Dickety 7, when a trapper shot a grizzly for trying to steal his bottled sarsparilla, & maple syrup, then an entire conflict broke out.
It was a mess.
Anyway, so I figured these were where Mounties died in that fight.
But there were so many.

Then I saw the place, woke up Jason & Ace, then my heart sank.
We were coming up to the place, this older bungalow looking building out of the fifties, with almost an entire yard full of poppies.

And a parked Mounty's Crown Vic sitting out front.

Jason calms me down, saying, "okay, just be cool, let me go do the talking." I'm drinking in the details of that place to try & calm down.
An ice box that somebody forgot the purpose of, two gas pumps covered in mud, & an overhang you could see daylight through, were it day.

We head inside, see that it was more or less as a gas station should be, with the whole family area turned into a convenience store with a slurpee machine, a single drink fridge, a deep freezer full of bait.
And behind the counter were some of the prettiest twins we ever did see.

Sheryl & Lynn bespeckled, redheaded, & in near matching tanks & blue jeans, were behind the counter giving the stink eye to the Mounty who was anything but a sight for sore eyes.
I went to go get a drink while Ace, being kind of tired from the last fight, stumbled to the counter.

This is where I thought it was about to go wrong.

While he was walking to the counter, he bumped into the Mounty.
He mumbled, "Sorry, bud," then paused.

The Mounty said "HEY, watch it"

That was Ace's red flag number one.

Ace took a good look at the Mounty's uniform, then noticed another red flag.

"What are you doing, what are you looking at?" The Mounty asked.

Apparently, Ace was looking at red flag number two & three, because he grabs the Mounty's arm, breaks the elbow, & goes for a sleeper.

"Ace! What the fuck!" I remember yelling, while Jason yelled out "TIME TA GIT THE SHOTGUN" while Ace is struggling with the Mounty in his grip, the larger man struggling & kicking.
"Damn it Mike! Look at his holster! Look at his fucking holster!"

So I did.

"Damn."

Let's step back a bit.
In the Canadian Rockies, the RCMP are required to, alongside all their police equipment, have a fully loaded gun, a canister of bear spray for chasing bears away, and a bottle of maple syrup for attracting bears away from populated areas.

Instead of a bottle of maple syrup, however, was a mickey of Imperial Russia's finest, a tokarev, & a hand grenade.

So I go to help hog tie the guy with Ace, at which point Jason comes back with the shotgun, & hands it off to me.

Ace disarms the Mounty at this point, & sidles up to the counter, while Jason pounds back the entire bottle of vodka, and then breaks it on the counter. He yells out, "Alright Vodka Drunkinski, start talking!"

I held him at shotgun point, while Ace talked to the twins.

Ace calmed the girls down, & got their story.

This guy had been around here for weeks, trying to claim they were somehow responsible for all these opium poppies getting turned into black tar heroin for Mike Myers personal stash.
He'd do them a favor if they would testify against

B.C.'s premier, & claim she put them up to this.

Jason wasn't getting much of anywhere with the broken bottle: outside of a couple scratches, & a puncture wound, Rasputin over here wasn't talking.Then I heard the sound of Honda engines, & dub step.

"Shit, the gay Triad's here."

Shen Long was following our bus, & after failing to kill us with his leather bound assassin & the midget, got all his butt buddies to come kill us in some isolated place.

Like a mom & pops in the middle of the Rockies.

"Sunnavabitch," Jason said, lighting a smoke, & into cover.

Ace got the girls down, grabbed the grenade (which apparently was a flash bang), & I got into as good of cover as I could manage, while motorcycles pulled out in front, & began opening fire on the building line it was the 1st of July in a town that gave a damn.
"You got shells!?"

One of the twins yelled, "Yeah!" And then tossed me a whole box of deer shot.
It'd have to do. 5 00 buck, and a box of deer shot against a dozen pissed off chinese mobsters.

Then Jason yelled out, "Ace. I got a plan. Get one of them girls to find the biggest bottle of syrup."

The building got peppered with so much lead it was a safety violation at this point to move, but somehow one of the girls crawled out with Adrian behind her, taking pot shots at the Triads outside as he crawled on his knees. I opened fire now and again to start a conversation.

It turns out Shen Long was super pissed about losing Lingling, to the point where he was either gonna kill all of us, or replace her with one of us.

I wasn't about to turn over my brothers to get their assholes reamed out by a 3 incher, so I kept up the fire as best as I could.

Sheryl (or was it Lynn) came back with Ace, and one of these sons a bitches.
Jason yelled out, "Break the neck open, and toss that flashbang or whatever into it, and then throw the whole thing at em."
"What?" "Just trust me on this!"

So I'm reloading at this point.

"Okay, well, uh. I'm gonna give you about five seconds. Get r-ready to toss." is all I manage, as I pop up and start showing my disrespect for these sons of bitches ruining a perfectly good bungalow.

Ace, being a tough little shit, popped the latch, and tossed the gallon jug.

He tossed it far enough, and we heard a dull thump as it hit Shen Long's bike, before exploding about a foot above Shen Long and his men, peppering them with glass, maple syrup, and deafening half of them.

"WHAT DA FUK, YOU FUKIN' PRICKS" I heard from outside.

"Well, uh. Now what?" I asked Jason.
"Just wait for it."
"Wait for what?"
"Wait for it."

I sighed, and started reloading, half of the box gone, when we heard a roar from outside and the cries of the panicked mobsters.
I took a peek, and couldn't believe my eyes.

A god damned grizzly bear the size of Galactus was now mauling Shen Long and his men, seemingly attracted to the smell of blood, maple syrup, and the dulcet sounds of dub step. I kept up my fire, catching one, maybe two before the rest fled before the might of the planet eater.

Then we heard cop sirens coming, and the fake Mounty started finally talking, "Pizda. Untie me. I'll leave these girls alone, and I'll clean this up, but untie me."
"Why?"
"Because you'll be involved in murder charges if you don't."
I sighed.

So I untied him, and then heard the cops opening up on the Grizzly with a browning 50 cal, while he said, "My mission is more important than you think. Let me do the talking, and give me that shotgun."

I frowned, gave him the weapon, and he proceeded to open fire on the bear.

So it took about five hours, but the bear was driven away, finally.

Then our turn came up.

The fake mounty explained that a bunch of drag queens got into a gun fight and started hucking maple syrup at each other. That, we fine gentlemen, were caught inside with the girls.

Then they left, the Mounty giving me a glare, and leaving our shotgun inside the building.

Jason finally asked, "So where's the weed girls."

As a token of thanks, Adrian managed to get their number.
Me and Jason? Well, we got a bushel of weed, and a slurpee.

All in all, fuck grizzly bears, man.

Fuck em.