a thread: it has been more than two years since i handed in my dissertation revisions and was done with my degree. i am still working through things that happened in the PhD. i am STILL rebuilding my sense of self. i am nowhere near the only one who feels like this.
i went looking through my journals from my phd and i can't tell you the number of times i have written "keep your head down." that was my entire survival strategy for the phd - become as small as possible so that i attracted the least amount of trouble.
also written over and over again: "you know who the safe people are: talk to them" and "you have worth, you are going to be okay. you will survive this." "you just have to make it one more year" "you can do this, even if no one else thinks you can"
i was a person in a phd program that had no idea what academia was like, because i didn't know any other academics. the codes and politics were completely foreign to me. i had no idea the lengths to which academics will go to protect themselves.
i'm still afraid of what my department could do to me, even now. i'm afraid that somehow, i'll say something somewhere and someone will find it, read it, and come after me. it might not be rational to think that way, but it's how i feel. it's the culture i was immersed in.
for example: i wrote a guest post recently about mindfulness and nail polish and i edited it three times to make it sound like no faculty member was ever the cause of my anxiety. i considered publishing it anonymously. i felt a bit sick reading it, and seeing my dept listed.
compared to current grad students, or those who wish to remain on in the tenure track job stream, i have incredible freedom. i know people who hid all sorts of personal details about themselves in order to remain solidly in good standing politically. vulnerable people hide.
if you're a faculty member and you're thinking "no one talks to me about their future plans. no one mentions to me that my advising style isn't supportive." please consider that the stakes for giving that feedback as a grad student are impossibly high, too high to be reasonable.
also a note: in many departments, anonymous survey tools are never truly anonymous. grad students are smart and they need to survive - they know that those tools aren't safe places to voice concerns most of the time.
i work with grad students every day who are living in terror that their advisors will find them lacking: in their work, in their commitment to the field, in their dedication to their "vocation" - they make themselves sick with anxiety trying to literally be perfect.
no one is claiming that the job market doesn't add to this pressure. no one will ever say that grad school shouldn't be rigorous, it shouldn't demand the best of you: this degree is a terminal degree, it's the highest you can go. it should be hard.
but it shouldn't destroy your sense of self worth. i wrote in a text message to a friend today: "will i ever get back the sense i had before my degree that i was innately a smart, kind, thoughtful person?" it shouldn't be like that. i do what i do because i don't want it to be.
to my grad students, currently in the trenches: i hope you find and build the support you need to carry you through your degree. my support networks held me when i needed it, and i held them. may they do that for you, wherever they are.
to my #withaphd pals, left with big questions after the degree: i see you. i hope you can find space to see your work during the degree with fresh eyes. i hope you can have a sense of achievement that does not depend on validation or publication or accolades. we did a hard thing.
and to any faculty, or those working with grad students: the system can change, if you will it. learn to recognize the power you hold, the privilege you wield. work to protect those who don't have it. be open to doing things a new way. that's the price of getting the dream job.
and again, if there's anyone that needs to talk - i'm here. my DMs are open, my email is thrivephd@gmail.com, my video chats are free and on my website, and my dedication to confidentiality is total. i'm here.
