Thread by @chipmunkofpower

Time to see if the Van Helsing movie is as brain-meltingly awful as I remember *tumtetatetoo*😊😊😊

OH GOD IT IS OH THE HORRIBILITY IT'S AWFULING ALL OVER ME MY BRAINSSSSS 😱😱🤒

Only one thing to do.

*ahem* Thank you for coming to my live tweet thread, "Schlock and Awe":

Oh boy. I don't...even know if I can hold it together. I mean, it's just SO BAD.

But there are good things. Right? Right??? Hugh Jackman! He's...there! So.

But first, a tender and thoughtful and not at all needlessly over the top homage to Frankenstein, awww.

HAHAHAHAHA sorry, I'm sorry, just

Frankenstein's Monster

The melodrama

That voice

WHYYYYYyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ok, ok. I'm good. *snicker*

No, really. If I'm going to laugh at all the melodramatics I'll never get in a breath and will. Quite literally. DIE.

*drama*

Ok, so. Bad computer effects! Yippee! And oh by the way that's Mr. Hyde did you want to know more TOO BAD HE'S DEAD

Awwwwww David Wenham is freaking ADORABLE even with that stupid haircut. One of the two good things about this movie. The other one's coming up.

Well helLO Kate Beckinsale's movie brother!😍😍😍

Oh. And hello Kate Beckinsale's butt.

Oh HEY Kate Beckinsale's here too!😅

Honestly I missed a whole bunch because I had to grab my phone and catch up. Oh dear now I've missed a whole bunch of important plot.

*cough*

Hey! Whiny vampire brides! Has Dracula NO HEARRRRRRRT??,

NOOOOOOOO! HE HASN'T!!!!

WHYYYYYYYYYY

Ok so they're in Transylvania wow that must have been like a rocket coach or something (in this film, I would not be surprised).

Between Jackman's tousled hair and his guy liner I will be very disappointed if he doesn't start belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Update: I am disappointed.😡

Awww the brother got turned into a werewolf

Which somehow makes him hotter

*leaves to make a PB&J*

WHOA HE'S HALF NAKED NOW WHAT DID I MISS😳😳😳

Ok, but at least the costumes are kind of cool. Dracula's henchmen got STYLE.

(Statement by someone who thinks goggles are style)

Oh geesh the vampire gremlin babies, how could I forget the gremlin babies

Ummmmmm

Ok what...is going on...

Uh, shooting! PEWPEWKAPOWPINGPINGPING

Aw, tender character moment

OK ENOUGH OF THAT PEWPEWPEW

*looks up from phone*

Uh, ok, uh vampire attacks

*looks up from phone again*

Dramatic screami--

*looks up from phone*

There's...a yeti? Or SOME kind of furry monster WHAT INNA HECK IS GOING ON

I'm back! Kids, amirite? Wanting food at dinnertime, they're weird like that.

YAAAAAAY DAVID WENHAM IS GETTING SOME YOU GO BOI

Boi is what the kids say these days.😎

Well, not MY kids, thank Celestia.

The amount of things these people fall off of and onto get explodeded, how are they still...I mean...it's almost like there's...some reason they...as if it were a...MOVIE??? *turns slowly to camera*

Oh thank God some action, I almost understood what was going on

Oh fudge it's Frankenstein's monster.

Sure, yeah, he's the heart of the movie. I guess? He just wants respect. He just wants to be accepted. He just wants to be loved DUDE OK WE GET IT I mean seriously, he whines a LOT.🙄

There's a map, symbolizing their journey. Cool, they're going to Carpathia! Oh...no. They're...going to the BalkaNO apparently not, ok, uh...well, wherever they're going they won't get there as the brides are attacking. Again.

OR WILL THEY??

GET THERE I MEAN?

WHEREVER IT IS?

Oooooookkkkk

So Jackman got bit by a werewolf (and the hot brother's dead and so is my heart) so he'll become one and

THAT'S IT MOVIE'S OVER WELL THAT WASN'T AS BAD AS I REMEMBERED

Oh. Crap.

"Not until the first full moon. That's two days from now."

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Hey a fancy ball

Hey Dracula's there

He and Beckinsale dance

Because reasons

They dance on front of a mirror

Because you can't see him

BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE

HAHAHA YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Urrrrghhh

Also, you can't see anyone else...in the mirror...besides Beckinsale 🤔🤔🤔

YELLING DRAMATICALLY

CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND IT ALL

SOMETHING ABOUT DEATH

DEATH DEATH DEATHILY DEATHY DEATH

And our heroes make a daring escape no-one else could have thought of by

Jumping...out...a window...

Wait. Was Beckinsale actually surprised that Dracula didn't have a heartbeat??

Because.

I mean.

NEVER MIND MOVING ON

They're at Dracula's lair finally because

Because

Because they are ok

Geez always needing "reasons" and "logic" in storytelling shut it Harold we got things to shoot

OMG

OMG

THE TAPESTRY IS THE DOOR

THE GIANT HUGE FREAKING TAPESTRY

JACKMAN HAS THE MISSING PIECE

BECAUSE

BECAUSE

CRIPES BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW OK I DON'T KNOWWWW😭😭😭

Sorry sorry just my brain trying to logic again I'm fine we're all fine here now how are you 😁😁😁

Ok, the mirror thing is kinda cool

Which Wenham figured out right away

Because he is SUPER FRIAR

Honestly, why isn't he the lead I would SO watch that

*sigh*

Look. The Mummy is my favorite movie ever. Kevin J. O'Connor was fantastic as Beni. He really was.

I did so not need Igor to be the same damn character. Let the dude at least try to stretch his chops.

*ahem*

"I don't like this plan."
"We don't have a choice."

DIALOGUE

SMOOCHES

NOW ACTION TIME

*NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION TIME*

THE PEWPEWPEW KIND

Oh yeaaaaah Dracula needs the Monster to give life to his babies

Which is science

SCIENCE

The long sought for serum (ok, that's a guess, I missed what the big needle thing is) is displayed alone in a room in a big glass display thing?

Wait

Is this the West Wing

Does Dracula just need to love and have someone love him in return

DOES HE HAVE A LIBRARY 😍😍😍

Boy do those vampire brides like to spin. Good to see they're getting their cardio.

Oh here we go

ACTION YO

(Also what the cool kids say)

And BAMPOWIEZOOOO

"Give me LIIIIIIFF

*breath*

"FFFFFFEEEEEE!!!!!"

Stuff blowing up!

More stuff blowing up!!

No actually it's the same stuff it's still blowing up!!!

WHY ARE THEY NOT DEAD YET

"Iiiii want to liiiiiiiiivvvveeee!"

Yes. Yes, we know, Monster. We got it.🙄

Henchmen are on fire. Hope the Union gets a good settlement.

Oh HEY btw it's the next full moon! HOW ABOUT THAT WHAT ARE THE ODDS

Jackman the bad computer effect (ooh, I smell a kid's TV show) ripping up Drac like he's some kind of

Of

Dare I say

WOLVERINE??

*turn to camera*

SERIOUSLY HOW ARE THESE CHARACTERS NOT DEAD YET THIS IS RIDICULOUS 😩😩😩

"I think if you're going to kill someone, kill them! Don't stand there talking about it!"

The first time this movie's made sense.

ANYWAY BACK TO THE BAD COMPUTER EFFECT FIGHT

Aaaaaaand Dracula's standing there talking...instead of killing Jackman.

Of this movie's many issues, introspection isn't one of them.

Oh Dracula's dead. After all that, it's kind of anticlimactic.🤨

Ok. Ok. This was my favorite part. Ok.

The characters get thrown around a lot in this movie. A LOT. Literally. Picked up roughly. Tossed about. Thrown on top of each other. Dragged from a carriage. Dropped from three stories.

But

BUT

(It's a big but 😁😁😁)

At the end, Beckinsale gets thrown across the room

...Onto a rather comfortable looking couch...

And

AND

(Spoiler alert)

...DIES.

And so Jackman burns the body, gives a perfunctory manful sigh, and rides into the sunset toward the sequel that will no doubt be forthcoming.

Heheheheh

Aheheh

Yeah, about that sequel

...Honestly, I almost wish there was one.