1) Ted Cruz has always been a prolific troll and shitposter. @TPaperIntern should be sharing this story tbh.
Here's just one example of his talents 
We all remember how heated the 2012 primaries were. It got really personal between Boss and Ted. At least that's what we were led to believe.
But trolls live to troll, and when two trolls are trolling each other it becomes like a dance. Two whirling dervishes trying to score hits on each other while mere mortals watch in awe, sometimes horror. It looks brutal but it's pro wrestling. The greatest show on Earth.
Once the primaries were over and Boss emerged victorious, Ted accepted it. There is no shame in being beaten by a better man.
As gracious as Boss is, he invited Ted and his family for dinner and they had a lovely time and cleared the air between them.
As gracious as Boss is, he invited Ted and his family for dinner and they had a lovely time and cleared the air between them.
Ted got unfair heat from people who said he was meek or a sell-out for letting Boss talk trash about him and Ted letting it go like an adult. Typical of shitlibs and never-Trumpers who don't understand kayfabe or the Art of the Troll.
But remember: if Boss is the Shitposter-in-Chief, Ted is a close second. And just like the Sith, always 2 there are: a master and an apprentice.
Any good student will always try to surpass his teacher. As was the case with Ted during the Houston rally.
To honor Boss, Ted organized Texas Chili Cook-off before the rally.
To honor Boss, Ted organized Texas Chili Cook-off before the rally.
No. This does not end like the South Park episode.
Ted himself made a bowl of the beaniest chili possible with another secret ingredient.
Any real Texan will tell you, however, that Texas chili strictly forbids beans and Ted knows this but compromises must be made sometimes.
Any real Texan will tell you, however, that Texas chili strictly forbids beans and Ted knows this but compromises must be made sometimes.
Boss is never one to say no to delicious chili, and the beans actually catered to his New York palate.
Boss is also keen to notice a trap almost immediately.
Boss is also keen to notice a trap almost immediately.
Boss ate 3 bowls of Ted's special chili, half a pan of cornbread, and washed it down with a 2 litre of Diet Coke.
Each spoonful he ate with a smile, because he was going to spring his counter-trap.
Each spoonful he ate with a smile, because he was going to spring his counter-trap.
"The chili is delicious, Ted. The best. You make the best chili. Have some yourself. A yuuge bowl, Ted. I insist."
Boss's secret is he has an iron stomach. He can eat things that would make a billy goat puke.
Ted didn't know and had no choice but to eat it as well lest he give a clue to his plan.
Ted didn't know and had no choice but to eat it as well lest he give a clue to his plan.
After the meal they went to the rally and Boss is up there like nothing is wrong. However in the background Ted is starting to sweat a little. Those who were standing next him could swear they heard bubbling noises but couldn't tell where they were coming from.
Once the rally was done they returned to the secure area. Boss asked for a private room and and moment with Ted.
Poor Ted is in a full on cold sweat. You know that feeling I'm taking about.
Poor Ted is in a full on cold sweat. You know that feeling I'm taking about.
Boss said, "Are you ok, Ted? You don't look so good. I thought the rally was huge success. You look there's something you need to get out."
What happened next I won't go into detail on Twitter. The closest analogy would be this scene from Revenge of the Nerds 2. It's not perfect but it's close. You will have to use you own imagination.
Boss said, "Good try, kid. You got heart. Keep at it and you'll be ready for 2024."
Ted knew he was still number 2, but there's no shame in being beaten by the best and Boss's compliment gave him the confidence and motivation to keep going.
Ted knew he was still number 2, but there's no shame in being beaten by the best and Boss's compliment gave him the confidence and motivation to keep going.
Lastly, as pointed out, I made an error at the beginning. I meant 2016 and not 2012 but I'm not redoing this whole thread, goddammit.
