I’m always intrigued by the implicit social rules that few talk about but most people understand. eg it can be fun and affirming for women to comment sexy things on each other’s Instagram photos, but it would be mostly tasteless & creepy for a dude to do the same unless he’s gay 
Sometimes I hear dudes with poor social skills saying things like “that’s double standards” or “girls are such hypocrites” - which is inaccurate IMO, because the reality behind this phenomenon is quite nuanced. A lot of social relations boil down to power and plausibility
Recently I saw some people asking “how come Beyonce doesn’t get shit for wearing Indian clothes at an Indian wedding”, & it struck me as another version of this cluelessness
Social relations are complex, nuanced, intersubjective. Consider the unspoken rules around swearing
Social relations are complex, nuanced, intersubjective. Consider the unspoken rules around swearing
I was watching my nephew [7yo] and niece [5yo] (cousins, not siblings) wrestling around on the carpet, playing and laughing as children do. It’s interesting to realise that there will come a day where it can become kinda inappropriate. So much of human relations are like this
I’ve been slow-playing this: I used to be pretty bad at this stuff, and now I’m really good at it. I would say I was probably “bottom 40%” as an ignorant clueless nerd, & probably now top 1% as a high-functioning adult. It’s possibly the single best skill I have, or tied up in it
Basically, just as you can train your ear as a musician and train your eye as a photographer, you can train your sensitivity to other human beings. (It’s all connected, too, but that’s another story)
The central insight is probably... “it’s not about you.”
The central insight is probably... “it’s not about you.”
I think I first opened my eyes to this reality when reading this passage from 48 Laws Of Power. The real message here imo is to be deliberate in putting in effort in modelling other people’s minds, to pay attention to how you are coming across *to them*.
(Deciding to talk openly about this stuff is a choice that invites potential misunderstanding - it’d be easier to just silently enjoy the fruits of having social skills. But I think it’s worth it if even one other person gets value from it; that’s what I’m optimising for.)
A misreading of “honesty is a blunt instrument that bloodies more than it cuts” might be “well I guess I’d better be dishonest then.” No!! That misses the point, which is to be sensitive to others. Delivery matters. Context matters. Nuance matters. Be patient & thoughtful & kind
If you’re operating in a disreputable marketplace (eg dating), don’t take it personally if people are skeptical of you even though you’re being honest
Remember, again: it’s not about you! It’s the context you are in
Remember, again: it’s not about you! It’s the context you are in
On having good reply game, which will win you friends
On marriage, which definitely requires semi-advanced social skills - or at least, the ability to healthily manage conflict with a person who is going to be the #1 most annoying and frustrating person in your life *even* if they’re your favorite person
I don’t think we can ever spend too much time and energy learning to be better at relationships, at interfacing with each other (and ourselves!) in nourishing ways. There are some good general principles, but also almost always an exception to every rule
