I struggle with the idea that God was so displeased at man that Jesus gave his own life to pay for how bad we were. This means we all owe a blood oath to Jesus and it also means God has grudge issues. Three days ago in prayer, i told God this felt wrong to me...
I don't want to convince anyone. I just want to share my journey. I want God to see me trying to find him. I don't believe in relics, prophets or idols which means I can't accept the Bible as infallible law. I believe in reading the Bible. I believe in exercising my gratitude...
I believe in using my body as a kind of divination stick like you use to find water underground. I believe our bodies hold the key to communicating with God. I read how Islam is very particular about not soiling bones. They consider them very special. I agree bones resonate...
My body is a radio antenna. I can tune into good, evil, wisdom, sex, money, salvation, happiness etc. I chose to tune to truth. It's my namesake and seems like the most important thing i can do with my life. I don't think i have it yet. I do think i am closer than before...
I am under the impression we carry lies like a possession. Our posture holds them and it throws off our antenna with whispers. I once felt my chakras activate when i was in my twenties. Brilliant colors and feelings erupted inside me long before i even knew the term...
This was the start of my journey. People say i would be happier if i would accept the crucifixion as my truth. But i am not here to be happy. I am here to find truth. These are very different goals. I want lies to be less powerful. Only then could happy be a goal. Until then...
Lies are bear traps scattered all over the place and I can't just move away. I feel fulfilled when i spot and disarm them. It feels like i have a useful purpose when i do this so others won't fall like so many have before. I see the crucifixion as a trap. It doesn't feel true...
Believing this is hard. People judge me for not believing what they do. We all struggle with truth and i could be the biggest fool in the world for not seeing it correctly. But who ahould i honor in this life? My feelings or the consequences of my feelings?
Wouldn't betraying my heart be worse? If i ended up in heaven for pretending to believe in the crucifixion isn't that insulting to God? To pretend to believe? To play my cards based off the payoff vs the truth? I want God to know how much I love him and this world. No secrets...
I had 4 screech owls in the same cage. The smallest one we called "Napoleon." One morning his brothers ate him. I was devastated. I blamed myself. I never once felt disappointed in the owls. I didn't once wish they would atone for their sin. I learned this is what owls do...
The worst thing i could do was to intervene and send a representative to telll the other owls one more owl death was needed for their atonement. I learned the hard way the best way to rehab wildlife was to become invisible; to trust them even when they messed up. God is perfect.
This means God doesn't have to sacrifice his child to recover from being disappointed in his own creation. As if we could surprise him with anything we do. This doesn't ring true for me. When i find myself under a spell of shame or guilt i act poorly. Every time. I am not true...
If God wants to punish me for not believing and supporting the story of the crucifixion he will do so eternally. It will suck and as i burn or starve or melt away i will be so sad to have failed him. I hope if this happens people will see the bear trap i fell into and learn...
So even if i am wrong, maybe my mistake will help someone else get that much closer to the truth. Many of you accept the crucifixion as your truth. I am sorry for any offense this causes you. I am trying to hone my discernment as best as i can. I want to be honest with you...
I send this out to the aether. I pray about this stuff all the time. I consider it my life's great work. I can be as foolish & misguided as the worst of us. I hold no confidence in this position. I listen through the trinity of my mind, heart and gut. One Love. #TheGreatAwakening
RIP Napoleon. Your brothers didn't fail you, I did. I didn't know the truth. 
