Thread by @BeijingPalmer

I'm about to post a heartrending series of tweets, translated into English by @bokane, from a follower who appears to have joined Twitter today and to have parents in the concentration camps in Xinjiang. I know nothing else about them.

@bokane From @UnderPr29460477
1. I have to pretend that life goes on as usual. To others, I pretend that everything's okay; to myself, I pretend I can keep holding on.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 2. I can't bear to talk about the future. What fucking future? My parents are inside and I don't even know if they're still alive or if any second I'm going to get a phone call saying one of them's dead. So what fucking future?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 3. I can't sleep. It's cold even with the blanket, but at least I've got a bed. Does my mother? She has a bad back; does she have to sleep on the floor in the concentration camp?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 3(b). Does it make her lower back hurt? What can she do if it does? If her back hurts all the time, will she be able to sleep at all?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 4. At least I can find some humor in the thought of eating. My mother and father have been light eaters for years, and now that they're going hungry, the eating is as light as it gets.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 5. There's a step in the way my mother makes flatbread that I've forgotten, and now I can't ask her. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance. I don't even know if my mother is alive or dead, or if I'll ever find out what that step was.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 6. When I woke up to the news that my father had been sent in, I was extraordinarily calm. When the thing you've been scared of finally happens it's not so scary after all.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 7. Crying? Not much. I had a lot of things to do, at first. I was dazed for about three days, I felt it in my body for more than a week, but I didn't have much time for crying.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 7(b). I've grown layer upon layer of shells -- between myself and the outside world, between myself and my emotions. If I don't feel, I won't cry. If I don't think about it, I won't cry.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 8. It's so hard that I've thought about dying. But I can't now -- I have to keep holding on until this is over. But holding on has gotten so hard. Am I just going to keep waiting, numb body and soul, for more bad news?
It's so hard.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 9. I've watched the video of @BeijingPalmer crying for the Uyghurs a lot. It doesn't feel good to be a victim. It doesn't feel good to be a survivor. It means a lot to have someone crying along with you.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 10. I sleep badly and seldom dream. In the dreams I can remember, my mother and father are home. One time, I dreamed that I came home to find all my relatives there, with my mother sitting in her wheelchair.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 10 (b). I embraced my mother and woke up crying. I think my brain is trying to protect me: if I slept more, maybe I would dream of them more. Better for my mental health this way.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 11. My mental health seems to be okay: I can eat and sleep, and after I sleep I can get back up and work. I can chat with friends. I was even able to celebrate the new year, which is really pretty impressive.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 12. But there are unexpected breakdowns, too, like when a friend I was chatting with said he was taking his mother to the doctor.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 12 (b) A great rage welled up in me: How could you talk to me about taking your mother to the doctor when you know that my mother and father are in the concentration camps, if they're still alive? How could you be so cruel?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 13. Obviously I couldn't get angry at him; I had to carefully keep the conversation going: Oh dear; what seems to be ailing Auntie?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 14. Speaking of going to the doctor, my mother is always on her best behavior when she goes to see them. She does whatever they say, never talks back. Only after the tests are complete and the doctor announces that treatment is done does she go back to being a pain in the ass.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 15. It's funny -- the day or two before my mother was taken to the concentration camps, I was still angry at her for always buying pyramid-scam "health products."

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 15 (b) I was incredibly upset, but I had to take indirect approaches, such as "What about this pair of 1000-kuai insoles? Where do your legs and feet hurt? What if I got you this 300-kuai pair of silicone gel insoles, made in America?

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 15.1 Also, e.g., "That malt drink has too much sugar in it -- it's bad for your blood sugar. If you want wheat germ, I can get some for you!"

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 15.2 She was planning to get Quanjian-brand products. So now whenever I see a news story about the Quanjian scandal I break down a little bit.

@bokane @UnderPr29460477 15.2 (b) I don't mind if they have to stay home all day with nothing to do but think about 1000-kuai insoles. I'd say it beats dying in a concentration camp.