Thread by @effies

In honor of this awful asshole, I'd like to share the story of my first-ever reading at a writing convention.
Here's what not to do if you're sharing a reading slot with another human being. (Yeah this probably wouldn't happen to men, but really it shouldn't happen to ANYONE) 1/?

https://twitter.com/MARIADAHVANA/status/1093163128681127936

I had my first-ever reading at my home con, @Fogconvention (which I heartily recommend for any writers in the Bay Area and this is not their fault.) I shared the slot with two other authors, a friend of mine and Asshole. I did not know Asshole's true nature initially. 2/?

So we were put in an email together ahead of time so we could plan out our reading. I piped up and said that since this was my first-ever reading, and I was incredibly nervous, would the other two mind if I read first so I could get my flop-sweat out of the way. 3/?

This is because in private conversation I sometimes use self-deprecating humor to hide my discomfort. And private email content should probably not be shared with a wider audience, but I thought that was a given. Asshole rules state otherwise I guess? 4/?

But they said this was fine, no worries, and I didn't think anything more of it. The time of the reading arrived. The room was packed, easily like 30 people, many of them my friends. We were seated at a table in front of the audience. 5/?

So Asshole decides he's the moderator for the night. And says "Welcome everyone, to a night of <whatever the hell we decided the reading's theme was>. First up we have Effie Seiberg, who's going first so she can get her flop-sweat out of the way." 😳 6/?

I SHOULD NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT THE HORRIFYING PART OF THE STORY. THAT COMES LATER KIDDIES STRAP ON IN 7/?

OK, awesome. Super awesome way to introduce someone. But I am a GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL and I put on my GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL FACE (which for women and NB folx needs to be much more poised than mens' professional faces, lemme tell ya) and I smile and do my reading. 8/?

Could I have called him out for his public assholery? Probably, but I was too surprised to do it and felt like the best thing I could do was move along from it. I still don't know if there was a better option. 9/?

But I did my reading and it felt GREAT. I was getting laughs, I felt like the audience was really on board with my work, and it was awesome. Who cared that I got negged before I even opened my mouth, it was my work that stood out. So awesome! 10/?

Now, I'd been reading two excerpts from the novel I was currently pitching. I did an edit beforehand on both, cutting out anything that felt extraneous to the story I could get into my timeslot. Especially in the 2nd part, I cut out a lot that referred to skipped story bits. 11/?

As I was reading, I felt like I was running out of time. So I skipped even more bits on the fly so I could make sure to get to my final punchline without being an asshole and eating into the other two readers' time. I was reading off a laptop, which Asshole could see. 12/?

I finished my reading feeling SUPER AWESOME, like lookit me I'm a real writer who can entertain an audience how cool is this, got a bit of applause, and then introduced Asshole who was going to read next. But no, this couldn't stand. 13/?

Because instead of starting in with his own intro and reading, Asshole instead, in front of everyone, while on "stage", turned to me and said ... "Actually, can I give you some feedback?" 14/?

And I'm in SHOCK. Like yes of course this is even more wildly inappropriate than before. But sometimes the shock is so big you freeze. Like if someone kicks your dog, you know what to do. But if someone pees on your dog, there's really no good auto-response to that. 15/?

And my first thought, swear to blog, is "wow what a waste of the audience's time." But I didn't even say that. I froze, and Asshole took this as an indication that Yes Please Deliver Upon Me Thy Wisdom From Above. 16/?

And then here's what happened next, because the unbelievable horror in front of an audience just gets better and better.
Asshole: Is your book finished?
Me: Yes
A: Are you pitching it?
Me: Yes
A: DON'T.
Me: <😱😱😱>
17/?

Asshole: Because what you read out loud was better than what you had on the screen. So you need to go through your whole book, read it out loud, and edit it the same way before you pitch it anywhere.

Me: <continuing 😱😱😱>
18/?

And in my head, I went:

1) But I cut stuff that's not relevant to the story that this particular audience heard, not stuff that's irrelevant to the story anywhere.

2) What makes him think I haven't read it out loud?

3) WAIT WTF IS EVEN HAPPENING THIS IS DURING A READING 19/?

And AGAIN I was in stranger-pees-on-dog territory. I was frozen with shock that this was even happening. So instead of handing his ass back to him in a myriad of tiny slivers, I just introduced him again as a SUBTLE HINT that maybe he should do his own reading now.
20/?

Part of this is that I, like other women and NB folks, have been socialized since birth to Be Polite At All Costs. And part is basic pragmatism that I cannot possibly undo this, definitely not fix things in the time we have available, and my friend still needs to read too. 21/?

I'd like to think that if the same were to happen today, there would be a tongue-lashing of Venom proportions. But who knows. Getting put on the spot like that is tough. You don't access all of your usual instincts of What To Do As A Strong Person Who Don't Take No Shit. 22/?

This guy then proceeded to read a first draft of his super-awkward work. Which is ALSO a waste of the audience's time because seriously? You're reading a first draft out loud? And unsurprisingly his first draft was absolutely terrible. 23/?

I would love to drink from the Fountain of White Guy Self Confidence one day and see what it feels like to think that all of the previous actions were a good idea because I'm just that smart and entitled to whatever I like. 24/?

Anyway, later on a woman from the audience who'd been a screenwriter on some shows I'd even heard of took me aside and explained that in case I wasn't aware, what he did was SUPER NOT OK and that I shouldn't have to take that sort of shit. Which was really nice of her. 25/?

At the time, I'd been writing for just over a yr. Since, I've done >dozen readings and had a few dozen pubs that I'm v proud of. I still don't have the (unwarranted) confidence to read a 1st draft to an audience. But I'm glad I still have the confidence to keep on going. 26/26