Thread by @Monaheart1229

This is really, really funny. And after the last 2 yrs if we can't laugh (at something..) & start to focus on the future, we're in deeper than we thought! Apologies to Howard Schultz, it wasn't me....
#SundayMorning #BlueWave2020
newyorker.com/humor/daily-sh…

2-"Starbucks has developed a strategy to deal with customers’ questions about their former CEO’s aspirations to be the next president of the United States: The company has supplied employees with a script of various ways to end any and all discussion about Howard Schultz.-The Cut

3-"barista: What can I get you today? customer: One venti latte, please. Pause. customer: So what’s up with Schultz? He knows he’s going to give Trump a second term with this nonsense, right? barista: Howard’s future plans are up to him. customer: Like, if he thinks Democrats

4-"have swung too far left, why not just try to primary Trump as a Republican?
barista: Everyone is entitled to their political beliefs. customer: He’s going to destroy the goddam country! barista: That is every Starbucks C.E.O.’s right. barista: Welcome to Starbucks.

5-"customer: What’s this I hear about Schultz calling Medicare for All un-American? barista: We respect everyone’s opinion. customer: I mean, universal coverage is something F.D.R. talked about. Is that what Schultz is saying? That the guy who won the Second World War is

6-"un-American? barista: We value the legacies of all Presidents. Even the bearded ones from the eighteen-hundreds that all blend together. customer: Quit stonewalling me! barista: I’ve been nothing but forthright. Did you want to order anything? customer: I’m so mad I’m not sure

7-"that I can taste. barista: Try our Cinnamon Shortbread Frappuccino. It revitalizes taste buds that have been numbed by Schultz-induced rage. customer: Schultz-induced rage? You have a name for this? barista: We do. barista: Good morning. Would you like a coffee or are you just

8-"here to yell about Schultz? customer: Schultz. barista: Do you mind if I pop in my earbuds? customer: No, but it’s only going to make me talk louder. barista: I can live with that. barista: What can I get for you? customer: Grande coffee and a breakfast sandwich, please.

9-"barista: That’ll be six dollars and thirty-four cents. customer: How about Howard Schultz’s approval numbers? They’re really something. barista: Howard’s polling data is no one’s business but his own. customer: What were they, low single digits, across parties? But he’s still

10-"talking about running—like we’re all just here to fulfill his rich-white-guy fantasy. Hey, maybe he’s more like Trump than I thought! barista: Starbucks values all of its customers. customer: Huh? barista: Starbucks wants everyone to have the best possible experience.

11-"customer: Are you just repeating bland platitudes that you’ve been told to recite when people get mad about losing their democracy? barista: Starbucks was founded in 1971. barista: Welcome to Starbucks—and let me stop you right there. We’re a major company, and we’re unable

12-"to comment on the political ambitions of our former C.E.O. Furthermore, I’m a low-level cog in a global corporate machine, and even if my bosses had opinions on Howard Schultz’s potential campaign for the Presidency—which they don’t, because Starbucks will remain profitable

13-"regardless of who’s elected, I assure you—they wouldn’t tell me. If replacing me with a robot could save them five cents over the next decade, they would do it without a single thought for how I would stay warm or feed myself. customer: Where’s your bathroom?

14-"Barista points toward restroom with resigned ennui. barista: How can I help you? customer: An Americano and a croissant, please. barista: Of course. customer: So I was watching CNN yesterday— barista: Oh, no. customer: And I see this panel talking about your guy, Schultz—

15-"barista: Please, no. customer: And it made me think, Now, that’s the kind of man we need running America. barista: I—wait, what? customer: Yeah! Self-made billionaire. Hates government handouts. Not falling in line with either major party. If he runs, he’s got my vote.

16-"barista: . . . customer: Something the matter? barista: This is the worst day of my life. barista: Hello, what would you like? customer: A country where billionaire coffee magnates don’t destroy the political process to satisfy their own narcissism.

17-"barista: We don’t serve that and never have." ~River Clegg, The New Yorker

A. It's hard to read this piece in this format, but someone requested thread reader unroll it and they did..this is easier to read-enjoy!
threadreaderapp.com/thread/1094418…