Thread by @Serrels

Today my son asked me to tell him a bedtime story about Mario and I'm telling you. On the spot I created the best goddamn Mario story ever told.

Mario came downstairs. Usually Peach gets up early and makes Mario porridge for breakfast (look Mario's a problematic sexist, we know this) but today -- no porridge. No Peach either.

All of a sudden Bowser appears. Mario is like, "what the fuck man. What are you doing in this house? And more to the point, what is Peach?"

But Bowser is like, "chill the fuck out Mario, relax. For once I'm not the bad guy."

Mario's confused.

"I've got bad news," says Bowser. Peach has been kidnapped. "But not by me, by DARK BOWSER."

"Who the hell is Dark Bowser?"

Dark Bowser is Bowser's fraternal Twin. He's the even more evil version of Bowser. Last week he came back from the dead. He stole Bowser ship and he used it to kidnap Peach.

"This time we're not enemies," says Bowser. "This time we're partners."

Mario says hell no, but then speaks to Luigi. "What the fuck choice do we have?" says Luigi. We need Bowser's help. He's the only one who knows how to find Dark Bowser's ship.

Anyway, fast forward to the ship. Mario and Bowser are onboard. They're searching everywhere. Eventually Mario stumbles across a gigantic room, it's full of mirrors, basically like the end of Enter The Dragon.

Please accept my blatant plagiarism. I was making this up as I went along.

Mario sees Dark Bowser, so he throws a punch. But bam. It shatters. It was just a mirror. Now Mario's hand is all cut the fuck up.

He clutches it in agony. "I won't make the same mistake again."

Now every time he sees Dark Bowser in the mirror he checks for his own reflection, if he sees himself, he doesn't punch.

Eventually he sees a Dark Bowser, but doesn't see his own reflection. FINALLY. He throws an almighty punch, but Dark Bowser just... disappears.

What the hell?

It was just a hologram.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA," a laugh echoes in the hall of mirrors.

It was Bowser. NORMAL Bowser.

A cage falls down from the ceiling, capturing Mario.

There was no such thing as Dark Bowser. It was all an elaborate ruse by NORMAL Bowser, to put Mario on the ship, at this particular spot.

CURSE YOU BOWSER.

Mario was like a puppet on a string.

But wait! Out of the shadows! Princess Peach! She gives NORMAL Bowser a Stone Cold Stunner and Bowser is OUT COLD.

"What-a-the-hell?" asks Mario.

Turns out Princess Peach hadn't even been kidnapped. She heard Bowser coming and hid in the closet. She overheard the conversation between Mario and Bowser and knew something was up.

So she followed them to the ship waiting for her moment to strike.

Princess Peach searches Bowser for the key to the cage. The two of them escape the ship. They all go home and enjoy a nice bowl of porridge together. But, this time, it's Mario's turn to cook.

THE END.