Thread by @segalink

Instagram can be a very bad influence that makes one deny his/her own nature. There are treated pictures & over filtered videos that will make you conclude that some human beings can never be prone to flatulence or too fine to have the capacity to Fart. ⛱

Flatulence over the years have grown to become a huge science for the curious including me. Like others I have wondered why “Silent is Violent” in the flatulence world with a proven fact that loud farts don’t smell bad (if at all), while the most deadly ones are never audible.

Which brings me to the impracticability and technicalities in most of our folklores & fallacious & derisive poetry. There’s this one in Yoruba that goes thus;

“Bolanle ya ‘só faa, nínú egbé
Gbogbo egbé da ‘wó bo, oun sunkún
Àmàlà t’ó ję n’ àná ló fa, Ę má ba wí”

Author: Killed

Loosely translated, the killed unknown author of the derisive poetry wrote:

Bolanle farted thunderously in the midst of his colleagues in a group and the entire group under her gaseous intoxication swooped on her with a raging attack. But one fellow intervened & made a case...

Oh we mustn’t blame her said the wise one, but her digestive tract’s reaction to the yam/cassava pudding (Amala) that she ate last night.

Now here’s my problem having analyzed this fallacy & technicalities...

...I have come to learn that Flatulence is a very nuanced science and, while it is often misunderstood, it can be explained in basic language.

“All flatus are born, raised, and trained in the digestive infrastructure. At some point, when each soldier has reached maturity as an individual, the Portal Of Ordinance Training (POOT) office will determine a date and specific time for deployment.

Each soldier will have trained both as an individual combatant and as part of a regular battalion so that upon deployment, each can perform adequately regardless of deployment order specifics.

When orders come down from the POOT office for a general deployment, the general standing order is simplistic & straightforward;

if thou can be nothing else, be notable. This battle will bring your life to an end, so at that end it is your duty to make sure your sacrifice is not made in vain.

This element of notability can come in multiple forms. It can be with the soldier who bursts from the trench with a vibrant scream, channeling his spirit animal and invoking the voice of the bear-lion with volume and fanfare.

This will grant the soldier with the notability that is requested of him, and indeed some have made their presence known with a thunderous exit that would be barely contained in a home built to Abuja building codes.

Such a potent blast that the very structure of a brick-clad home in Lagos Island could be put into jeopardy. Let’s not go into the analysis in decibels for simplicity.

Other soldiers, alas, are shy. They will not portray the boisterous voluminous trend of their vocal brethren, for it is not within their nature.

POOT did not miss a step in this regard; upon initial assessment of each soldier, the decision was made that each would train in a different way for a different job. Not all soldiers can produce a credible war cry but all can contribute in their way.

Still, the shy squeaking soldiers must have their notability, but how?

By training them to burn the hairs right out of your nose and occasionally being so effective in that method that an especially competent soldier (or small group of soldiers) might produce a stench that could leave you suffering the effects of short-term amnesia.

Even if not a single sound is heard, there can be no mistake that you have met a mighty warrior and that, even without a proud shrieking warrior cry, it was a fierce warrior worthy of your acknowledgment.

It is just the more shy among them making sure that they have not given their lives away for a forgettable experience, or worse, for a death that was not even noticed.

Fare thee well, bold soldier. Fare thee well.”

What can we learn scientifically from the various experiments? Loud farts get converted into sound energy which takes out the smell in the fart. Learn from Farts & the science of flatulence. You need not be loud to be deadly.

End.

The derisive poetry messed up by alluding unscientifically that the Bolanle in question farted loudly and it intoxicated the group. Secondly, this couldn’t have been influenced by yam/cassava flour pudding in the system. Beans will take exception to this misplacement of justice.