Thread by @chandlerjdean

All right people, I know this is basic but someone had to do it, I now present:

THE 2020 CANDIDATES AS AVENGERS: A THREAD

JOE BIDEN is THOR

- Confused and dismayed by modern human customs
- Is thousands of years old
- Problematic but learning
- Neoliberal women love him

CORY BOOKER is BRUCE BANNER

- close ties with pharmaceutical companies
- seems like a nice guy but has some awkward quirks
- dad vibes for days
- good relationship with Rosario Dawson

PETE BUTTIGIEG is ANT-MAN

- some new guy who you have to learn about late in the game
- more formidable than his humble size would suggest
- will never age
- people might like his partner more
- no clear position on free college

JULIAN CASTRO is VISION

- robot
- theoretically powerful but gets owned before the battle even starts
- bilingual(?)

TULSI GABBARD is VISION'S WEIRD GIRLFRIEND

- can't quite figure out her "deal"
- anti-interventionist until she decides someone needs an ass-kicking
- definitely into alternative medicine
- who is she
- this tweet will make everyone mad at me

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND is CAPTAIN MARVEL

- gets tons of hate on the internet
- headstrong now but her origin story is all over the place
- should not be defined by her relationship with Al Franken
- polling at 0%

MIKE GRAVEL is ROCKET RACCOON

- shitposting from the sidelines
- has no intention of becoming president
- actually has great ideas but no one will listen to him
- not sure if real or computer-generated

KAMALA HARRIS is BLACK WIDOW

- secret cop
- 5'2''
- very popular on Pantsuit Nation

AMY KLOBUCHAR is THE HULK

- don't make her angry
- you wouldn't like her when she's angry
- IT'S KLOBBERIN' TIME!!!
- I know that's The Thing's catchphrase but work with me here
- maybe KLOB SMASH?
- doesn't use combs properly

FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is NICK FURY

- not getting involved unless he absolutely has to
- has meetings with everyone individually but disappears when shit goes down
- no one lets him say "motherfucker" but you can tell he REALLY wants to

BETO O'ROURKE is STARLORD

- seems like a cool fun guy until he starts to take himself too seriously
- looks up into space and wonders about the meaning of it all
- thinks cool music is a personality trait
- his real name is much more boring
- really cashing in on Gen X nostalgia

DNC CHAIR TOM PEREZ is THAT INEFFECTUAL SENATOR PLAYED BY GARRY SHANDLING FROM IRON MAN 2 WHO GETS HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM

- sorry tom
- I just thought this would be funny
- I'm sure you work hard

BERNIE SANDERS is GROOT

- has been saying the same shit his whole life
- plenty of grassroots support
- still alive???
- he is groot

ELIZABETH WARREN is CAPTAIN AMERICA

- been around a WHILE
- written off as dorky but eventually you admit they're right
- minimal Native American ancestry
- carries around annotated notebook of cultural references
- former Republican who has realized how messed up the world is

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON is MARIA HILL

- cut early and never heard from again
- names both start with maria
- fuck am i gonna have to google both of these people
- too much work
- next

ANDREW YANG is IRON MAN

- fake gamer
- silicon valley mogul
- secret libertarian
- strong takes on body modification
- lots of reddit guys have posters of him on their wall
- throws crazy ideas out there, then shrugs and leaves the room to let someone else figure out the details

THE OTHER WHITE GUYS are ALL AGENT COULSON

- John Delaney is Dead Coulson
- Jay Inslee is Lip-Sync Coulson
- Tim Ryan is 90's Coulson
- John Hickenlooper is Default Coulson

DONALD TRUMP is THANOS

- acquired all five infinity stones (PA, WI, MI, FL, OH)
- wants half the population gone (you know which half)
- would sacrifice child for power (Eric)
- thicc but we won't admit it
- sitting comfortably on throne while everyone else destroys one another

That's everyone for now. Knowing both of these over-bloated franchises I'll have to add more sometime. Hat tip to @CharlineJao and @therealZiya for helping curate these. ENJOY YOUR POLITICS AS ENTERTAINMENT YOU RUBES

By popular demand, @TAMMYTAMMY2020 are THE DORA MILAJE

- a formidable team that requires no men
- they bring wartime experience to the table
- Hillary Clinton did not visit their homeland during the 2016 election
- as far as I'm concerned, two of them are named Tammy