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i also have not left my house today and will now tweet several scenarios that never occurred.
wow, was just at the grocery store and i saw a man in a maga hat. i whispered "diversity" at him and his hat burst into flames and he ran screaming through the produce section.
can't believe it folks. saw an infowarrior at the laundromat and someone mentioned that it's passover and he gasped and broke out in hives. left without even getting his stuff out of the dryer.
incredible stuff. at the gas station in my neighborhood a guy with a don't tread on me license plate on his truck got super triggered when he accidentally stepped on an actual snake. he just started crying like a little baby. snake's ok, though.
SJWs in a local hipster coffee shop were talking about who they will vote for in the primary and no one mentioned any white men. a guy at the next table was so triggered by this white male erasure that he flipped the table and loudly announced he was going home to clean his room.
in line at trader joe’s & all the employees are already smiling so the guy behind me couldn’t tell any women to smile. he just threw down his basket and stormed out screaming “you’re not even that pretty when you smile!”
now he’s trying to debate a little girl in the parking lot.
now he’s trying to debate a little girl in the parking lot.
just came from downtown. a man in a punisher sweatshirt was climbing up the lee statue so he could kiss robert e lee on the mouth. after the cops made him get down he cried the whole time he was peeling the blue lives matter sticker off his jeep. hate to see stuff like that.
was driving by the gun range outside of town and i yelled JOHN BROWN out my car window and the ghost of john brown pistol whipped like eight old white dudes it was fucking wild. they looked so triggered.
sitting at the bar at chili’s and a man asked the server if she could change the channel to fox news so he can watch tucker carlson. she said no and he burned the restaurant down to own the libs but the joke’s on him - his fajitas hadn’t come yet and now he’s very hungry.
i was just minding my business on twitter dot com when some incel saw a picture of my armpit hair that made him so upset that he made a sock account and posted about it so many times he got banned.
wait, no that one actually happened.
wait, no that one actually happened.
wow everyone in the DMV was saluting a gay veteran and thanking them for their service but one guy was just sweating bullets trying to decide if he loved troops or hated queers more and he just committed seppuku rather than make that choice. what a mess!
saw the sweetest thing at TGIFridays! the college republicans were meeting to discuss their plans for next semester. two of them reached for the last potato skin, touching hands. they decided to split it and now they’re gay communists. that’s beautiful, if you ask me.
i’m super excited to see these make the rounds out of context and for people to lose their minds demanding proof that these very real things definitely happened in my presence at various local business establishments.
