Thread by @fuzzychimpcom

There once was a young man named Chad who happened upon a salesman. “I have just what you need”, said the salesman. “It’s a buffalo turd, but not just any buffalo turd. It’s covered in a protective varnish and has googly eyes!”

“Why would I want a varnished buffalo turd with googly eyes?” Chad asked.

“Why, it’s an investment, my friend! People will gladly pay you $10 to hold your turd.”

Chad wasn’t sure but he inquired, “How much?”

“$5,000”, the salesman replied.

“$5,000!!!”

“Hold on now. It’s an investment! It will be paid off after the first 500 turd holders, then you’re just making money!”

Chad could see the logic. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t afford that.”

It just so happened that another man had been standing nearby, listening intently to the conversation.

“Allo, my good sir! Name’s Jeeves. I could loan you the money, for a pittance of interest.”

It was clear Chad was considering the offer.

“It’s an investment!” prodded the salesman.

“Investment!” echoed Jeeves.

Chad was convinced. The two men and Chad signed the necessary papers, and he left happily with his varnished googly-eyed buffalo turd.

Weeks passed. Chad could not find a single soul who wanted to hold his buffalo turd, let alone pay him for the pleasure.

Chad was irate. He returned to the place where he had purchased his turd. The salesman and Jeeves were there.

“Nobody wants to hold my valuable buffalo turd!” Chad lamented.

“Such a shame!” the salesman said.

“Bloody awful!” agreed Jeeves. “I’ll be expecting payment on time, by the way.”

Just then a man was passing by, whistling mostly to himself.

“You there! Stop!” Chad yelled.

The man stopped and turned with a smile. “Can I help you? My name’s Joe, by the way.”

“Yes! Thank you, Joe! I need you to pay for this”, Chad said.

“What is it?” Joe looked puzzled.

“It’s a varnished buffalo turd with googly eyes.”

“I don’t want that…” Joe responded.

“I’m not selling it to you. I just want you to pay for it.” Chad clarified.

Joe was perplexed. “Why would I do that?”

Chad was becoming angry again. “Because I can’t afford it! I spent $5,000 on this buffalo turd. I got a loan from Jeeves over there to pay the salesman, but nobody will pay me to hold my turd, so you’re going to have to pay!”

“I will do no such thing!” Joe said. “Look, you paid $5,000 for a varnished googly-eyed buffalo turd. A BUFFALO TURD! It seems your beef is with the salesman, that Jeeves fellow, and possibly your own decision making.”

Chad sneered at Joe. “You heartless, evil, greedy scumbag!”

“Selfish!” offered the salesman.

“Scoundrel!” agreed Jeeves.

(Thank you for reading along. Any similarity to actual life events was merely coincidental.)