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@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC (thread)
You allude to an important point that explains why people respond so positively to what I write. Incoincidentally, it's also what helped me heal from wounds caused by Cluster B disorders in my personal life: literally spending thousands of hours figuring out "why?"... 1/
You allude to an important point that explains why people respond so positively to what I write. Incoincidentally, it's also what helped me heal from wounds caused by Cluster B disorders in my personal life: literally spending thousands of hours figuring out "why?"... 1/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC I touch on this in another context (school shooting thread), but “senselessness” exacerbates/amplifies a tragic or traumatic experience. An inability to understand “why?” seems to add an additional element of loss/lack of control to the experience/event.2/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC Being able to intellectualize/understand….which involves a degree of rational, unemotional processing….provides an element of control, even if only over the question of “why?”. It also gives us control over our emotions during that intellectualization process. 3/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC Emotional control is key to managing being “triggered”. Of course this can lead to what I’ve observed/experienced as a second “stage of grief”. The following is something I wrote after repeatedly coming into contact & hearing stories of people who had a Narcissistic ex-spouse: 4/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC I think there's two stages of grief when it comes to being married to a disordered person. The first stage is “how could someone who loved me treat me this way, be so heartless, and seemingly revel in my misery?”. 5/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC ...Eventually you realize and accept the fact that they’re disordered, that they do not function normally/humanely, and, therefore, that they probably not only didn’t love you…but that they’re probably incapable of loving anyone…. 6/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC ....Although this understanding/acceptance allows you to move past the first “stage of grief”, upon doing so, the second stage kicks in when you inevitably ask: “What the f*ck is wrong with me, that would cause me to choose & love someone so dysfunctional and pathological?". 7/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC ....And it's this self-doubt and lack of self trust that then makes you question the very fabric of your being….which then reinforces all the "gaslighting" that the disordered person showers upon you in order to diminish and to justify their behavior towards you….. 8/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC ....The whole process reinforces itself and creates, or at least sustains, the downward spiral. Obviously, trying to make sense of all of this while trying to navigate the complexity of two Traumatic Brain Injuries exponentially compounded the issue for me. (end of quote) 9/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC Obviously, everything above describes the experience with a disordered spouse or someone we chose to bring into our life. As a result, I think a lot of people struggle to “forgive” (or trust) themselves for having done so. This thread touches on that 10/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC Now, as the comments to the “forgiveness” thread point out, a different dynamic exists when the disordered person wasn’t chosen (parent), and especially when the trauma was experienced as a child. As someone who experienced pretty severe sexual abuse as a 5 year-old boy...11/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC ….I understand b/c I spent years dealing w/the guilt/shame/humiliation of that experience. But even in the context childhood trauma, often there’s still a period afterward (sometimes years/decades), where people continue to allow the disordered person/abuser access/contact…12/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC …..which allows them an opportunity to continue to inflict damage. This may lead to self-condemnation in adulthood, not for the original trauma, but for the post/continuing-trauma acquiescence to the disordered person. This is where a need for self-forgiveness may come in. 13/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC Circling back to "making sense of it"…..Once you can intellectualize & understand the “why”, there’s less of a feeling of senseless uncertainty to what you’re experiencing. This knowledge empowers & provides an element of control over the experience...14
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC None of this is meant to say that the wounds or the pain is diminished, but it does make it a little easier to detach & disengage from the Cluster B chaos in your personal life, & to help maintain your sanity when observing it in the political climate...15/
@FionaMarissa @susanmddem @WalshFreedom @LindseyGrahamSC @threadreaderapp please unroll
