Thread by @ChristiCaldwell

Today I published my 52nd book. I’ve written 50 books in 5 years…but I wasn’t always ‘prolific’. I wanted 2 things in life: to be a mother and to be an author. Neither came easily, and yet, interestingly both those struggles/desires intersected.

I wasn’t always prolific. I started writing when my son was born & I learned he had Down syndrome. I was lost & scared & couldn’t return to my job teaching b/c my son’s needs were too extensive. So I wrote.

It took me 5 yrs to write & refine my first book. Book 2, I wrote sometime during those years. I didn’t just sit on those books. I queried 100s of agents & editors. I received invitations to submit the first 3 chapters & requests for fulls.

But do you know how many offers of representations? None. Not a single one. But I kept on querying.

So much of my life as an author feels surreal. Like it’s not my life. B/c I’ve only been published 5.5 years. 7 years ago, my husband and I were living in a 1 bedroom apt. We gave our son the bedroom b/c he needed the space for therapy, &…well, we wanted him to have a bedroom.

What failures we felt like as parents if we couldn’t even give him a room. We slept in a walk-in closet that didn't even have a door or complete walls.

My only device to write on? A laptop w/ a broken keyboard. How was it broken? When I’d type a “D”, it would record a “D” AND a “T”. When I’d type an “H” it would also type a “U”. So after I wrote, I’d have to go back and delete all the ‘added’ letters.

Libraries. OMG libraries saved us. We had books. BOOOOKS. (I’ll NEVER understand people/authors upset when their books are at libraries. Books at libraries? They are being read. And that’s what we should all want…our books in the hands of readers who love them!) I digress…

We didn’t have food. That’s not an exaggeration. My husband was/is a middle school science teacher & 1 of the 7th grade experiments called for the use of generic powder juice packets. Instead of throwing away the nearly empty packages?

My husband brought them home so we’d have drinks that we could use to mix our son’s crushed pills w/ b/c he wouldn’t take them w/ plain tap water.

October 2011, there was a Halloween Nor’Easter coming. I actually got a request from an agent that same day & sent it out just before we lost power. We had NO food, but we also had NO gas so we were stuck in our apt. w/out power or food.

We had a few dollars & took our son to McDonald’s. No matter how many years pass, I’ll always remember watching him eat that burger and small fries…wanting it so bad I could taste it. (That query response? I would get a kind, but definite NO.)

Then there was the time I opened the fridge and there was NO food. None. But I looked on the counter, and there sat a Halloween pumpkin our son had from school. ME: WE CAN COOK THE PUMPKIN! ( We made soup & had pumpkin seeds. (I’m sorry we ate your pumpkin, Rory.)

But that wasn’t the end of the pumpkin bounty…the local church gave away all pumpkins that didn’t sell. We filled our car and lived off donated pumpkins.

My husband worked 3 after-school clubs, coached golf, & taught. Our favorite club? The garden club. He taught the kids how to plant and they grew crops…but no one (neither kids nor teachers) ever wanted the veggies…B/C eww school veggies? So he’d bring them home. We had FOOD!

We didn’t have a washer dryer. I lived at laundromats…that was b/w therapy sessions and doctors appts. I don’t know if most people know what a gift it is having one’s own washer/dryer. I’ll never take it for granted. EVER.

My parents lived out of state and were trying to get closer to help…whenever they came, the first thing my mom would do was take me shopping and filled a carriage. I remember her putting ALL THIS FOOD IN THE CARRIAGE…and you guys, FOOD. We’d stretch that food forever.

Writing kept me sane. I say that often, & they aren’t throwaway words. Through the fear & frustration of life & circumstances, there were words there.

I was determined to have my books published. I saw the CT Fiction Fest hosted by CTRWA would have agent/editor pitch sessions. I. NEEDED. TO. BE. THERE. Except…there was no money to go? CTRWA? They sponsored me. I went. (I'm eternally grateful CTRWA.)

Then it happened, I snagged a serendipitous seat next to an editor. I didn’t ask to pitch. I didn’t know her (at the time). She invited me to pitch. FATE. Or not…?

This editor shredded my book & told me no one would ever read my work. (She knows who she is, but even more, she now knows she was wrong.) Her feedback was shit.

It was one thing to not like my query/the sound of my story…it was another for her to speak in absolutes. I digress…I left crushed, but still determined.

I didn’t quit. Through this, I just worked on those SAME 2 books. Then, we were saved. I landed a long-term sub position…making $175 a day. You guys, I can still cry thinking of the relief. There was money for food and heat.

I would work all day, and then when my husband and son were sleeping? I wrote some more.

I finally landed a full-time teaching position. 2 years later…it happened. I was pregnant. I GOING to work right up until delivery, but then my twin pregnancy became a complicated pregnancy.

My cervix shrunk to 1 cm at 20 weeks and they told me I was going to lose my girls. F%@$# you universe. NO WAY. I didn’t want those babies and work that hard to have them to lose them at TWENTY WEEKS.

But teachers don’t get maternity leave…& I had only my sick time which lasted 3.5 weeks. I was on bedrest for 17 weeks. I’d watched every last ANTM episode. I couldn’t afford books or get to the library.

So what did I do? I dragged out my Lenovo laptop (I will always love you, Lenovo. You were so good to me.)

And those two books that took me 5 years to write that were sitting there? I published one. Maybe someone would find it? And do you know what? Someone did. A lot of someones. I remember sitting on my couch, seeing that people were actually buying my book.

And then reviews were coming? PROVING PEOPLE WERE READING MY BOOK??...and LIKING the book?? What in the world??

I don’t think those years spent on two books was a waste. Not at all. I grew during that process. I sharpened my craft on those two titles.

And here we are 5.5 years later…at book 52.

I recently read a tweet by Queen Beverly Jenkins about Imposter Syndrome, and I connected so much with it…

b/c sometimes readers will tell me how much they love my book or my writing & I often say I’m humbled, & I don’t know what to say, b/c, honestly? I still feel like the woman in the 1 bedroom apt w/ no food or heat, fielding nothing but rejections, typing away on her broken laptop

If you are out there, writing and dealing with doubts and rejections? I NEVER had one single agent offer me representation, and I’m doing just fine. BETTER than fine. : ) So don’t feel YOUR journey is only complete or validated by the ‘requests’/ ‘offers’ you receive.

And if you ever read one of my books and enjoyed it? Thank my children. I started writing the characters and stories I did because of Rory. And my girls, Reagan and Riley, with the required bedrest got my butt on the couch (literally), so that I COULD do it.

Oh, and I forgot! If you wanted to read book 52, I'm sharing the Amazon link!! (B/c I'm also working at not feeling 'awkward' about promoting books that I work so hard on!) : )
amzn.to/2Q1OBPQ

Oh, wow. I disappeared in full-mommy mode and came back to all this love. Thank you to everyone for your really supportive words. To those who found encouragement in my journey, I'm glad. Don't let yourself hear and/or believe 'no'.