Thread by @SlavaMalamud

I'm sitting at the USA-Curacao soccer match next to a severely inebriated gentleman from Bethlehem, PA. I think, I am going to live tweet his ramblings. Any objections?

He has made at least a dozen attempts to pronounce my name.
"Is it OK if I call you Slav?"
"I mean, you are almost there, man. Just one more sound."
He tries, fails, then settles on the entirely different approach and attempts to call me Slavan.
2 minutes later, he's forgotten it

He has just welcomed me to America. I have told him I've lived here for 28 years. Which is only 5 years less than he.
"So, wait, you came here during the Gulf War Era?"
I didn't know it was an era.

He has a beer in each hand, both half empty (in his case, I suspect, half full). Says he got tickets & beer for free because his buddy won them in a drawing.
"If there is anyone I'd worry about my wife cheating on me with, it would be this motherfucker."
His wife just texted him.

Ooh boy, here comes the dreaded My Opinion About Immigration...

He says he is not a "stupid American who is against immigrants" but wants everyone to follow the letter of the law. Asks me if I did. I affirm.
"I love finding out where people are from. Like this asshole here..."
His friend is from Thailand.

Shut up, everyone, we are bonding over our love for @hopesolo

I ask him what he thinks about the #USWNT equal pay issue.
"I think women should be paid more than men."
I shake his hand.
"Fuck yeah", he screams. "There are three stars over that crest, bitches!"

My love for @mPinoe is shared with much less enthusiasm. I leave it there...
For the sixth time or so he tells folks ahead of us that he is gonna be real loud. He isn't kidding. My boy has the loudest two-fingered whistle I've ever heard, and I've been in Soveit middle school.

He is trying to sign me up for the American Outlaws which, I gather, is the US National Team hooligans group. I think I will. If anyone has anything to say to stop me, now is the time.

He will probably snare up two teens I'm front of us, too. Tells them if they join, they get to stand without any assholes behind telling them to sit down. His life story follows. The kids are enthralled.

Fans are chanting "We want Jozy!", and my boy vehemently disagrees with their esoteric desire.
"Fuck Jozy!" he screams at the entire local fan section. "You'll get Dempsey before you get Jozy!"
Nobody objects. The dude is like 5-foot-nothing, but he must carry his balls in a bag

He has failed to pronounce my name again. It's two syllables. I mean...

His friend says, "He is actually a pretty good player."
"You are shitting me?", say about four people at once.

He is giving my name another try. And another. He finally gets it, but the accent is wrong. Stresses the last syllable. I give up and say he's good. Fuck, he is so happy.

We are best friends now. This is how you achieve peace in Earth, guys. With beer and language lessons. Let this be something you ponder on tonight.