Thread by @audrawilliams

When I read conversations from women* who relate to that Crane Wife essay, I feel like I am so fortunate and possibly an alien. I can't imagine getting into a relationship with someone so indifferent to me? If I was anxious and unfulfilled right away, I would not stick around.

To be clear, I can understand staying in something that has gone bad, hoping it gets better again; I tried to put up with less in order to stave off my last breakup. But I don't think I've ever wanted to have fewer wants. I've never even been on a diet.

Also there is no way my friends would let me put up with an undeserving partner! Maybe that is part of the difference? I've seen so many harrowing Bunz posts from women who talk about male partners who are unaffectionate and inattentive and impatient when asked to be otherwise.

So many other women reply saying like that's how men are and you just need to look for other indications that your partner loves you. Lower your expectations lower your expectations lower your expectations.

That is not advice I would ever get from anyone in my community, we are all wildly protective of each other.

If you haven't read the essay, you probably won't have enough information to engage with this post. It's not some "Men are from Mars" thing. It's not a mismatch in love languages.

EXAMPLE ONE - When she asks him to tell her he loves her:
"He reminded me that he’d said “I love you” once or twice before. Why couldn’t I just know that he did in perpetuity?"

EXAMPLE TWO - When he proposes:
"He said he wanted to be with me because I wasn’t annoying or needy. Because I liked beer. Because I was low-maintenance."

It feel like I know how bad things are out there but at the same time it blows my mind that so many women are sharing this saying they relate to it.

I know there are a million ways my own privilege comes into play on this. I know things are fucked up and many of us are repeatedly told by the dominant culture that we have little value.

I have a lot of various traumas that still impact me but somehow I have always felt like I am worthy of my partner putting in the same amount of hard work and compromise that I am.

I've also seen speculation that the fiance in The Crane Wife was on the Autism spectrum. Frankly it seems out of line to me to armchair diagnose in this way.

But I do want to say that I'm coming at this from a neurotypical perspective. I honestly don't have the experience to weigh in on the nuance that comes into play when one or more people in a relationship are neurodivergent.

* Also there are more than two genders! I can't speak to what dating is like for non-binary folks but I hope those stories also start and/or continue to be told in more mainstream spaces. I haven't seen NB folks discussing this essay in particular.

HOT TAKE. Fewer Crane Wives and more Felicity Foxes, please. I'll transcribe the scene I am thinking of in the next tweet. Mr. Fox speaks first, then Mrs. Fox. (There wasn't enough room in the tweet for their names!)

I'm a wild animal.

You are also a husband and a father.

I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself.

I don't care about the truth about yourself. This story is too predictable.

Predictable? Really? What happens in the end?

In the end, we all die. Unless you change.

HEY MEN. IN THE END, WE ALL DIE. UNLESS YOU CHANGE.