Thread by @KieranSnyder

1 I am proud of the career I am demonstrating for my daughters, and they routinely tell me they’re proud of it too. I love what I do. So why do I feel bad about the tradeoffs so often? Thread of stuff we’re not supposed to talk about >>

2 The world, or at least the North American business world, is not designed for working parents. In fact, it is designed specifically against working parents, especially against non-rich working parents.

3 For good developmental reasons for kids, the school day is not as long as the work day. Most US school days for younger kids are between 6-7 hours. So already, out of the gate, there’s a gap to figure out, even on the "easy" days when kids are in school.

4 Some (not all) schools have before- and after-school programs that are AT school, but NOT school. That’s great where it exists, but it usually costs money. Not every parent can afford it. And on days when school has a half-day, after-care doesn’t run.

5 Also for good reasons, kids get breaks from school. Summer is a logistic nightmare for working parents who have to try to piece together camps, figuring out transit to a new location every single week. In many places, you need to arrange this all in January or you’re doomed.

6 Schools breaks during the academic year are even worse. One of my kid’s schools decided to extend spring break from 1 to 2 weeks last year. That’s 2 weeks for winter break, then 1 week off for midwinter break 6 weeks later, then 2 weeks off for spring break 6 weeks after that.

7 None of this includes teacher in-service days (which again, good reasons for those existing), which are not the national holidays that many people already have off work. These are extra randomly scheduled days with no childcare.

8 Let’s say you manage to figure this out through some combination of camps or family members helping you. Your kid knows that OTHER kids get to chill at home or travel during these breaks with their SAH parents.

9 Or maybe you are lucky and can afford a nanny to help with all the breaks and the drop-offs and pick-ups. Your kid knows that OTHER kids are the ones whose parents are around.

10 This doesn’t even begin to touch on the explicit or implicit expectations of school volunteering. Working parents cannot go to a PTA meeting at 11am on a Tuesday.

11 Want to do after-school extracurricular activities of some kind? Better hope they’re actually at school, because if you have a job, you probably can’t chauffeur your kid from school to activity at 3pm every day. Your kid knows that OTHER kids have these options though.

12 If you’re reading this and you’re a working parent, chances are you work in tech or another flexible industry. How do I know? Because you have time for twitter.

If YOU have a hard time with all this, how do you think things are for poor working parents with hourly jobs?

13 The entire system is designed on the assumption that families have two parents, where one works and the other stays home. To the extent that you diverge from this, you will struggle. Two working parents at home? Struggle. Only one parent at home? Total struggle. (Been there.)

14 On the two-parent front: How many family activities at school assume every kid has two married parents? How many fundraisers/events are designed as "dates" for married parents?

This is horrible for many divorced families, and for kids from these families.

15 Are you a mom? Chances are you feel all this pressure even more acutely. Schools, and especially other moms at schools, expect disproportionate involvement from moms.

16 Even though I recognize that the system is a total scam, and even though I love my career and see very positive ways that it is impacting my daughters, that doesn’t stop me from feeling bad about all this sometimes. I am also mad that I feel bad about this.

17 I don’t have the emotional solution to all this, because I don’t know a working mom who doesn’t feel exactly the same way. So what can we do for ourselves and each other?

18 First, validate the path. Just as I know a lot of working moms who feel conflicted about their choices, I know a lot of SAH moms who feel conflicted too. “Mommy Wars” that create battles about the hierarchy of these choices are a scam. All of us are doing our best.

19 Second, if you’re a working parent, mom or otherwise, share work you’re proud of with your kids. Tell them about it, show it to them. I talk to my kids about my work all the time. I ask for their opinions. They have become very curious and love to engage.

20 I hear how they talk about my work when they don’t know I’m listening. There is nothing more inspiring or motivating to me, and nothing as affirming of my choices. They are proud of what I’m doing, and it has influenced what they see as possible for themselves.

21 Third, as coworkers who are also working parents, we have to support each other with practical empathy. It has always been important to me that at @textio, people feel ok bringing their kids in when they feel stuck in between work and parenting pressures.

22 I need this support too and have done this myself several times, bringing one or more of my kids to work and setting them up with quiet reading or drawing or games for a few hours so I can be in the office for something important.

23 I have never worked anywhere else where this would have been remotely ok. It always makes me happy when my coworkers bring their kids in and feel comfortable with it.

24 Because if the school/life system is designed against working parents, we have to attack it on the workplace side where we can.

This is not the same as e.g. a permanent onsite childcare solution, which I would love to move towards as we grow. But it is a start.

25 In the end, we are all just people doing our best. Recognizing the way the world throws up unreasonable obstacles is an important part of giving yourself and others slack. ❤️