Thread by @umbuso_weqiniso

Yaz Ive been single for very long, the more I am single the more I realized that amacherry are not crazy, we actually drive them to crazy... A thread

I remember back when I was in a relationship... my GF had to book to have time with me...

Dont get me wrong, Id chill with her from Sunday night to Thurs night with no stress but come weekend, hhai tata boys be waiting like

I gots to be out doing boys things 👀👀👀😂

That was just my definition of a relationship & thought sonke senza njalo😹

Until one day while driving to drop off, bae’s phone rings non-stop,
Me: Babe, kanty uban lo osfonelayo kangaka?

Eish babe, its some guy nje uzibiza Thabzadawg wafumana number yam nge birthday braai ka Sisipho, zayehhamba nechomi ye O kaSisipho eyayi braai-ya pha soloke indincokolisa, been telling him to stop calling me coz uzasixabanisa but akamameli

I act chilled, give the “Oh OK babe👀” & act all natural ngabi ngathi ndi-weak & jealous ...

Meanwhile the inner me: Ndake ndayitsho lendaba kaSisipho👺 womnqundu!!!! Yafeba man lamntana, ngku zahhulisa mntanam, seyetyiwe ngu Tumi no Slender, yotyisa mntanam ngku👺👺

Iphele apho ke lonto yalo Thbzadawg wamasimba

Next ngsespani bae calls:
Babe theres this nice wine farm I want us to go try out, Sat? My treat? Zokfakela ne full tank 😋

WAIT WHAT???

Soze ndiyeke full tank towards month tata, “full tank” was the only thing that registered kola ncoko...

Bethe ne quick Maths: I get to save cash which increases my budget for later on that I will spend ney’febe 😋

Play...

“Baby uyayaz bengazose ndithi NO kuwe sponono sam aybo bby” 😘😘

“Okay cool ke lover, sole ndiyothenga enye ingubo bendiyibawela ndizoy’nxiba then, talk later love you.”

Full tank! So obviously ndi out kwiboys this weekend, kakade bendizamosha imali nezfebe, koku ndizamomoza for next weekend worse yi pay weekend... mandizimamele necherry yam the whole weekend, how bad can it be?

Friday night is here... we chilling no baby, satyana, siyabuka TV ,kumnandi

I’m doing all things lovey dovey... avoid the fulltank topic, my girl was a psycho bengasuka a ww2 fight right now about how the only reason Im not out with my friends is coz of the full tank, phambana goet lamntana 😂😂 (ibe indim ogulayo loxesha😂)

It was just after 11 on Friday when Lucifer called

Lucifer: “Boy! Boy! Boy! Ndivela eCubana, Hamba no Sandy uhhamba nalo mnganakhe Sneh okuhlanyisayo, ushisani boy😱, nam ngyamfuna boy, angsheshe ngiycebe, they on my case kuthiwa angizoklanda, ngqoka will be outside in 30...

Kuuuuthi kusenjalo, PHUHLE iythombe followed by VN: “Haybo Mbuso woza yin manje? Dont be boring, you cant do this to me” *Sneh’s voice* 😍

I go to the bathroom so I can think, I talk to myself when I think under pressure + ndibatyiwe, baby zayiwa zonke lento... Im thinking mxm hhai I lost this one😢😢😢 Imma just let it go, angina chance, so I text u boy.

Kuthi kusenjalo kusho iWhatsApp...

Hey Sneh here...Wena get your light skinned ass over here

Boy akafune kuzwa mshini lomuntu, ukufuna njengo msebenzi... worse ku lit eCubana— Beyonce is twerking ebusweni ba Thapelo, 2 Pac is about to perfom....

NKULUNKUKU JESU WAM!!! My ningenza kasooo 😭😭😭

Back in bed & angry at bae, Im even hvng an argument wit myself ngapha bby belesele nale tori zakhe zabangani bakhe abatyelanayo. Abandityisi mina mos...

ziHot masimba ichomi zika bby, so nazo ezitori zabo zotyiwa vele zindidike nje coz theni angatyelwa naye apha kum? Ngabatheni abatyiwayo mxm. Entlek lo is busy cockblocking nje, kuphi kuwabo le beggie le? Theni angekho kwakhe nje yena, libe hlala apha cockblocking abanye mxm!!😤

Lucifer calls again: Boy you really need to come, nam phela ngzoshweba la manje, le cherry yakho funa ukuhamba and shes sleeping over kuSandy, noSandy sengitshela iyndaba zokuthi she cant let her sleep alone coz umvakashele so she has to go with her. I need you dawg!!!

To be continued....

Previously on #IzigemegemeZamajita:
I decided to spend the whole weekend with my girlfriend, because I love her and screw you guys 😹👉🏾... Anyways! While in bed Netflix & chilling with Bae, Sathana calls me, wants to dip me in sins & throw me me kwa hell!😔

Whatsapp:
Sathana: “Nigga I’m downstairs, phuma.”

“Babe yaz Sathana is outside, he left his laptop in my car & is here to pick it up...”

“Hhai babe, can’t he come fetch lento yakhe ngomso coz uyasiphazamisa. Wasoloke u-jump-ela yonke into itshiwo ziichomi zakho, worse ke loSathana, hhai khobe no-NO kube kanye nje today wethu, nxelele u-busy hleli namunt wakho”

“Ewe yansile baby but jonga kaloku S’thandwa sam ingxaki is that he is on standby and needs the laptop to be able to work remote & take work calls else zaba sengxakini espani, ithi ndimnike quick ndibuye babe...”

Yaz I cud have easily told babe the thruth ukuthi I am going to curve Sathana & I am coming back but cheating folks in relationships will tell you that lying must be part of your daily routine so you will not be rusty.

Sometimes, like this instance, I lied to my GF for no other reason but practice. The manga manga reflexes must always be on point, you don’t wanna stutter wen isi-jumpile i fraud. I must be fluent aze aphume nangezithende amanga. You must always be prepaired & ready. Uzivocavoce

I used to be so skilled to a point where while I am dishing out a complicated lie on the side I am defrosting a teletubby cover up story to change the whole topic & diffuse the situation.

Back to the story:

So I dish out my practice lie, babe buys it. I grab shorts, car keys, do a short prayer ‘thixo help me get rid of the demon downstairs amen’

“Ndyabuya ngku ngku ke babe, zashiya ne phone.”

GF: “Okay babe khawleze ubuye ke, se cute sengathi ndingakufaka apha emlonyeni”

“Dont worry, wen I come back, I will have something... you can put in your mouth”

“I want it now😍😍😍 & I miss you already mna”

Eshe ndiselapha mos, wasoloke ene drama-ke ubaby.....

“Miss you too Sponono sam, will be back now now, wena just open your mouth & close your eyes😘😘😘”... I head down stairs.

Sathana: ”Boi theni wa topless na wena? Come on Prince bra, xesha liyahhamba, unxibe no shoti!”

Tsho-tsho! We dibbling the devil sisuka, ucinga ndi topless akayazi ndinxibe uthixo

”Boy’ le mission is impossible, ngihleli ne Nkanyamba phezulu & she will never let me leave, I have to take to take her to some farm Tommorrow morning plus uzandibheja nge full tank, this whole weekend seems out nje for me.”

“Inkinga yakho u panic a lot, ngine-plan e-quick & simple, wel go bck to ka MamRuby, sithathe nanas bese sya kuloCubana oseBlouberg ngba uvala u2 wona, then shortly aftr syavaya syendlini. Sfika siyadizista nje kancane, si-sete i-mood then sifraye lama-chips quick mayefrayeka..."

"Else mangath' abazishayi ngokulahla inkomo, akho ghost, ngzobavayisa & on to the next ones, the list is endless. Besides even if siyabhampa that will be an extra win for you still futhi coz zovele uvaye & comeback even earlier e-cherini yakho."

"Mawukuthi sivaya grand of which I know we will: Dude phela thina kaaade safuna ukudlana sinale nana lami, u-chomi kaSne. Awbheke sengil'khohliwe ne gama lakhe..uSneh ngyambona nje ukuth ufuna ukuk'faka emlonyeni ak'gwinye njengamanje, angikukhumbulike uyeka i-low hanging fruit”

"So mina ngithi lets vai chow QUICK then you will leave before 6am with an emergency, zobavayisa eksen mina labantu... everyone wins. SIMPLE!”

Me: “Boy they wont let me in koCubana & I left my phone upstairs”

Sathana: “Relax boy, sodlula lapha kwam, khona T-shirt yakho ekhona then you wil wear one of my jeans we same size vele, asiyanga kyohlala vele nje, sobuya quick, the soonr we go the sooner we comeback, I am not leaving here without you bro, ngena emotweni plz ntwana yam estrong”

I am stuck with a tough one here: Sathane zandiqumbela if I refuse his request, he is my strongest wingman & a super striker, abantwana ndibafumana ngaye to begin with.

This side uSkwiza will be upset for the mini disappearance but if I really comeback before 6... she will be fine coz e-farm I will be super lovey dovey, sawubuya phaya si right sesilibele ngayo yonke lenonsense.

Guys I am in my car driving topless, andinxibanga underwear ipipi indiza all over ku shorti, akho underwear... Ndishiye i-cherry ikhamsile endlini ndiyogijimisana nezibefe 😞😞😞

We pass by Sathanes place, take a quick shower, change & heard out. I take one quick look at the mirror, ndizibethe ngala confidence speech: “Ntwana u chowing new stock today. UYINJA YAMATHAMBO👊🏾!!!

We get to Cubana, our other boys are there now also, vele ndibone uba i-Hyena count ingathi iqabele tata, khome ndisondeze creme wam eduzane coz hhei ezi zi snippers. Bambe creme ndim-privete, azina chance ezi.

Smindlos: “Yhooo boy legenge niyivusaphi ngku moer ningosaSathana nina nobabili, kutheni niziminca nje? Ziphi ezinye ichomi?”

Me: “Relax boy, nizaz’fumana ez-way, we will set it up, let us seal the deal then emvakoko bazadansela esethu isginci, anyway we thinking of shifting to Blouberg thina ngku funa khawleze silale”

We drive to Cubana Blouberg. Thapelo has his snack also so there is 6 of us... We get there & they wont let us in coz Thaps & his girl are too drunk. Fuck.. sidinga elinye icebo ngoku...

Sathana: "Boy lets go get boose & go chill back at my place once."

Me: "Yeah sounds like a great qha I really need boose man, I am still sober, I cannot cheat ndi sober, I need to blame cheating on something + someone, so I need the alcohol gents.

Sathane: "I have a coupla beers pha endlini, the only place we can buy boose is ekasi and that will take long"

Me: "Ima boy, yaz I have a bottle of GIN that I left endlini"

Sathana: “UNAMANGAAAAH!!!! SERIOUS???!!!”

Me: “Lisemagxaleni boy, ligqcwele”

Mchanahhh!! Mchanah!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

BOY THIS WHY NGIKUTHANDA KANJE!!!!

“Asambeni lets not waste any more time”

You are probly thinking these dumb fucks arent about do this dumb shit they talking about... Coz ... WOW!

Back endlini things are bit crazy, uSkwiza is talking to herself:

Kodwa lets just think about this for a second:
I met uSkwiza walking to a taxi rank, she would not stop walking while I am tryna holla at her...

I had to jump off my car, chase her & walk for almost a kilometer... engafuni kuzwa mshini...

She eventually gives me her numbers...

Nalapho it took me decades for to reply to my texts, get her out kulezingqondo zika all men are trash... she was always like: “Dube I will be busy drinking wine & watching movies tonight, ANDIFUNI UBONANA NAWE, also I am just not interested, how many times do I have to tell you?”

I promised her that I am different and about to represent all men and prove that good men still exist.

We started dating all was good but I really do not think I was ready to be in a relationship. I was just scared of being alone & all my friends have amacherry, so was young and stupid bethwa i-pressure engekho.

Now mntanabantu is customed to spend some of her time with me because I broke her patterns...

Sogqiba ndimshiya endlini ekhamsile... Any chick would go crazy kule kaka le... Ndiyila rubbish & dust eyabonwa nguSis’ Pinkie... “Why did you come to me, if you are not ready for me?”

20 min after I left:
Babe: "Iphi na kanti lendoda?"

00h00:
Tries to call my phone, it rings apha ebhetini.
"Shit, kanene🤦‍♀️“

“Let me not over-react, he should have a good explanation for this, I know lendonda did not go out with that hoe friend of his & left his phone & me here, you have got to be kidding me!!!"

00:30:
"He wud never! But la chomi yakhe andithembanga infact both xasebedibene nje. Hhe yaz I dont believe this!"

01:20:
"Cacile lendoda ayindiboni mos!!!"

02:35:
"Khothi ndiyohlala elounge buke TV, ungena kwakhe zake acacise kakuhle! Sela kwalotwyala bakhe & save my expensive wine coz undiqhela kakubi lo, kutheni enga thathanga i-phone yakhe ba beyazi ba zathatha xesha elide uhhamba?"

*Goes to the lounge, chills and switches on and watches the TV.*

"Let me try call Thapelo, at least yena ubhadlile he might know whats up"

Call goes to VM.
*Sends SMS:*
"Hi Thapelo do you know where Prince is? He left apha endlini hours ago esithi uya-down stairs to get something from his car for Sathane. He's been gone ever since. He left topless and wearing flip-flops, which is very weird. I am really worried.”

“If you know where he is please let me know because I am losing my mind here and do not know what else to think."

*She goes to the toilet.*

*She comes back, sits on the couch and continues to watch TV.*

Iphele i-shot ye GIN esandleni.

*She looks for the bottle of GIN* -- dzweee akayiboni!!

"Aybo, I cud have swon lebotile was here a min ago, am I that drunk??!! MXM lemme go sleep, lo uzakunya ufika kwakhe, zambonisa kakuhle!!!!"

BACK TO THE BOOSE HUSTLING....

Sathana: “Okay so thina we will be sorted ngale GIN but manje amaNanas ayphuzela i-wine strickly, eish but awthi siringe nabo"

Sathana: "Nithini bo sugary spice, bo something nice... lalelani phela yaz ngathi soba nenkinga yokuthola iwine, GIN iynkinga nje ngempela ngaleyondlela?”

Sandy: "I can do beer mina its fine, just not GIN"

Sneh: "Eish angaz yaz, asambeni we will see, but I so wanted wine, Prince wine puts me in the mood, awfuni ukungbona ngiku mood?"

Thixo wam I really wanna see le mood kuthethwa ngayo definetly sounds like my typo mood.

Wulop!!! ... Yaz elanxila pha endlini lifike with 4 bottles of wine🤔🤔.. makuyiwe nyani kulandlu ngeke!!!!

Me: "Sathana we need to go to my place and get that boose, we will sneak in. Kakade ulele lomntu, better yet we will send Thapelo so that even if she wakes up abhaqe yena andiphike athi undigqibele last month."

The time is 1:45am, we driving to drop off Nanas at Sathana’s place, so can we go hussle the boose...

02h38:
We at my flat, we come up with an Italian job action plan endayifundiswa chomi yami uMalaka:
Me: "Boy, the Gin is on the Kitchen counter, wine iku Fridge, be quite and careful, you'll be out of there in no time.

Thaps: "Khululeka boy, I got this. Sathane khothi la flashlight yakho so I wont have to switch on the lights zaba ku stealth mode. Ndabuya boys this wont take long!"

Its been 30min now!! Dololo Thapelo!
We call him, he doesnt pickup....
Me: “Boy ufule uThapelo!!!”

Me: “What if iNkanyamba caught him and kidnapped him boy?”
Sathana: “Don’t be silly noba fike watipa lo, benxilile too much kakade!”

Me: "Fuck! You knw what lets just leave, will do this the cheating ndi sober ke!”
Sathana: “That wanker left with my keys wit that flashlight, its attached to it!"

Me: “Hhaike ntanga, you gna have to go look for him, mna cinga novele ndingene ndilale coz hhai lento yobufebe is just too much work"
Sathana: "Khome, yadika nyani xa u-sober, wait here Imma go look for him"

Shiyeke ndincume outside ndodwa till Sathane comes back. Only one thing on my mind:

Sathane returns very quick: "Boi, lomuntu wakho is still up, watching TV and still drinking!"

Me: "The fuck! Ugqwirhi lamntana, noba ndilindwe ngo WW2 thixo wam, kengku Thapelo uphi?"

Sathane: "Zange ndimbone, noba ulele nyani"

Me: "Yikaka yodwa ke le! Yinto sizaythinike le? We can't walk to your place. Khothethe ke somaqhinga ba sathini coz I am here all because of you"

I am already starting to regret yonke lento, Imagine I will have to face iNkanyamba alone coz zobe ngaseko lemfene le. I might lose a full tank on top for fucken pussy I didnt even get to tap, ndifuna nolila at this point ke, ndinawo nomsindo! What was I thinking???!

Kusenjalo sisaxabana... mamfuuu nanku Thapelo with the booze!!!

"And then? How SWAY???!!!!" All Im interested in is how did that nigga escape, what about me? What did you say? Did she ask anything! Talk to us Thapelo!!!! Yhooo I am dead 😭😭

"Boys bi-jumpile straight, I got in, went to the kitchen, TV was on & a bit loud😑, I thot u guys left it like that.. I took iWine ku fridge qha cudnt find le GIN ekhishini, xandisithi natsi phaya next to the couch, on my way to take it ngizwe umnyango we bathroom uvuleka! SHIT!"

"I jumped behind the couch quick! Skwiza came to the lounge wahlala wabuka i-TV... I think she was drinking the GIN coz she started to look around for it and cudnt find it, she switched off the TV and went to your room, thats wen I was able to get out, it was a very close one."

"Anyway asambeni, I left my girl for too long now, I don't make you guys leave your girlfriends alone."

Inner me: “Hhhe... This guy!”🤔

We heard back, re-group again:
Sathana: "Okay ke iSimple lento, songena sishibize for about i-hour then wena Thabs komele uthathe cherry yakho uvaye nayo so that we can finesse kahle. Prince kim nawe who izinto zim'hambela kahle kqala uyanyuka omunye zosala aspanise i-couch."

"Buph' lotshwala awuth'ngbone... Wine ban manjeke le? ay aksandaba asbangene?"

Me: "Bra uSkwiza always drinks amayeza, noba ngawo amphambanisayo, savele sigalele singabuzi. Hopefully abazugula nabo"

We get in & tell a sob story konana pullout the boose, ndiye by the sink ndovulela ubaby wine ndimthengele yona, andivalele kula-corner ye-sink, kuqhume iRoma one way.

"Enkosi babe for i-wine va and I like your taste"

"Anything for wena bbe, utsho nge bedroom lips apha, sapha nphuze"

We chilled, dimmed the lights, akhoncoko ngoku, kufunzanwe ulwimu.

*Shayile time*..... PROTOCOL: Sicimelane amehlo, silumelane amalwimu ne gang. Iphumile iSignal.

Thapelo: "Babe, asambe manje sengdakiwe mina"

Sandy une timing, avele atsale uSathane & heads upstairs...
“Zapha wena”

2 min later basijule nge condoms & start laughing ubufebe...

Sathana; "Akubhebhanwa skoon la kwam nina”

Sijongane no baby...
Me: "Baby woza la ngikuhlebele emlonyeni"

Hhai kukhale ipiki nefosholo!!!! Kutyiwa abantu babantu.

Ibengathi yi-competition. uSathana andiyazi umthini umntanabantu pha phezulu, akamemezi! I'm sure bemtsala nge-ndzeft!

Qonde challenge accepted ... Zameme nawe ke baby...

Eventually kutipwe!

06h00 !!!
Ibethe alarm, aze azondivusa uSathana.

"Prince boy I just recieved a phone call from uThapelo, uthi ngathi bazame i-break-in lapha endlini yenu, not sure zkhipheni kahle but awvaye yombheka quick boy, I will join you a bit later, iza ngzokuvulela igate"

Sabe ndsabuza... jumped up & got my shit...

OUTSIDE:
"Sathana you have to give me a plan endizayitsho phaya endlini dude"

"Relexa boy vele uthathe lena eyam imoto & the rest you will figure out as you driving, but breathe in and out uzakwazi ukdrebula kakuhle uSkwiza. Act worried & sad"

I drive back home, get to the flat, babe is still asleep, I sneak in, she turns around, cuddles, kisses & touches me.

I am scared & confused as fuck...

She reaches down & grabs Bouga Dubula Bantwana... I am I forgiven kanjalo nje?

Ifile imambane, iseku re-change coz iqeda kshaya i-marrathon.. Yhoo uboyiza uku KO straight uyangi jumpisela coz I am not sure if this is a test yini...

Ndicinge ngezaMpundu zika Sheh... Avuke kwabafileyo uBDB!!!🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

GUESS WHAT SHE DOES NEXT????!!!
GUESS WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND DOES NEXT!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

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