Thread by @ambientsidewalk

#neurodiversesquad #ActuallyAutistic #AutisticConfessions
OK, folks, I got clearance, but this may take a while, and be a little disjointed... First draft. Going to be a little bumpy along the way, but I promise a happy ending...

Couples Therapist are Just People Too 1/

First things first, reference, my overall DX story here:

https://twitter.com/ambientsidewalk/status/1182304797757788161?s=20

This all took place a year or two prior to my #autism DX, so no blame, but this DID suck.

AwesomeSpouse is my spouse of 21 years (+5 living in sin). She is patient and kind and awesome. 2/

I honestly don't know if many relationships would have survived what I'm about to chronicle. It takes pain and work and commitment and understanding on both sides to work through the problems we had.

I frankly suffered what I now identify as Autistic Burnout because of it. 3/

Other factors to keep in mind. No major physical health problems. No real financial worries. Some kiddo stress, but nothing big. Just normal, everyday, adulting and relationshipping.

We got really, really lucky, but we were also super stubborn and refused to give up 4/

So, no judgement on anyone or their relationships here.

So, 20, years or so, we've been together. I'm "unhappy". She's definitely Unhappy. Our once blissfully easy communication has started not making sense. We're grinding gears. 5/

And we're both really, really trying to make things work, but it feels like, the harder we try and fail, the worse things get.

Which makes sense, because fundamentally, the way we deal with stress, our social needs, our way of showing affection, they just don't match up. 6/

(OK kids, get out your pad and paper, it's time to start playing spot the #autisic traits! Remember the participants don't yet realize they are playing this game! Pre-DX)

She was growing tired of dealing with me. I was this sweet boy scout, wouldn't hurt a fly. 7/

Gentle and engaged dad. And I just seemed to snap sometimes. Just from like normal everyday stuff, out of no where. We be having a nice family trip to Disneyland, and I'd ruin the afternoon. I get so upset I'd disappear for an hour, scaring the heck out of her. 8/

She felt on tender hooks around me, and it hurt me, because I tried. I'm the victim of sustained verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I'm gentle and soft spoken and kind. I squee over babies and puppies. But sometimes, you know, it was like I was overwhelmed. 9/

And so, I'd go away from everything, where there was no body around so I wouldn't take this frustration out on anyone. I'd chill, and listen to some music, close my eyes, maybe take a short nap, and then I could make it through the rest of the day with gritted teeth. 10/

(feel free compare notes, how many #autistic traits have you found so far?)
But it was MORE than just that, she wanted to go on these adventures with me and the family, and I just wasn't....enthused.

She said, "It's like you don't even want to be here." 11/

And like an idiot I'd say, "I don't. I'm exhausted, but I want to be with you and the boys!"

And I was just so earnest about it. I mean, even stuff I really, really enjoyed, comics and video games. We go as a family to a convention, and I'd be a grump for a large portion. 12/

I mean, they were amazing, but 2 hours there, I was irritable, and would disappear again off in some corner. I'd come back, but I was definitely bearing it.

From my perspective, the happiness of being with my family trumped the pain and frustration of the social. 13/

From their perspective I was making the outing not fun because I would get grumpy or constantly want a nap.

And you know, this was nothing new. Even when we first dated and later married. I stayed social. You know, I was the loner bad boy brooding in the corner. So cool 14/

And AwesomeSpouse digs a bad boy with a heart of gold. But it was getting old, we weren't in our 20s anymore, and I couldn't even go to the Happiest Place on Earth without being miserable and out of place.

I was a sweet and responsible dad, until I would just, check out. 15/

And that cute thing I used to do, arguing about word meanings, wasn't so cute anymore. To her, it was like I was acting dumb and being so darn... literal.

She also said she felt like she was constantly being judged by me, which I flat out didn't understand. 16/

(For those just joining, this is PRE DX)...
But I LOVED her, more than ever. And I tried, but she just didn't seem to appreciate how hard I was trying. Sure I was tired, but I didn't give up, I kept trying.

So, cool, maybe we got to couples counseling, work on the comms 17/

And I didn't *want* to go, but I agreed. Of course she did the research, called around and found the therapist. I mean she's awesome that way.

For whatever reason, I could do bills and housework and projects, but making a phone call.... forget it. 18/

Intermission....
“Let’s all go to the snack bar, let’s all go to the snack bar....” 19/

And so, AS found this lovely lady, I read the bio on the internet. She seemed a little touchy/feely, but ya know, therapist and I wasn't going to say no.

I was going to do this thing so I wouldn't lose AS. So, AS set up the appointments. 20/

And I was all in. I was willing to give this the old college try, even if I didn't understand what was going on, because LICENSED COUPLES THERAPIST.

She obviously knew a lot more than me and I couldn't seem to make things work despite how hard I tried. 21/

Now, I want to point out:
1) she was a couples therapist, not a behavioural psych
2) she wasn't working with complete information
3) she wasn't a good fit for ME
4) she is human and not an evaluation machine, she brings her own experiences to the table 22/

So, we went on a Saturday(?), and I expected, cool, we'll go in, tell her what's what, and she'll give us some tools and homework.

I'll figure out what I'm doing wrong, I'll fix it, we'll get our groove back. NP. Ready to get to work.

And the first session was "easy" 23/

We laid out what the issues we were facing were, and it seemed obvious to everyone there were comms problems. Cool, let's get some new tools. And we did the homework.

I mean it was obvious we were all in.

I remember AwesomeSpouse asking, "Hey what do you think?" 24/

And me saying, "It's out of my comfort zone, but I'm willing to work."

But then the sessions dragged on. And the homework dragged on. We were talking ALL THE TIME about this. 3 hour stretches multiple times a week.

And after a will I would seem to just become sullen. 25/

I'd get upset, pulling my old crap. Not talking, shutting down the conversations and I was tired ALL THE TIME. On the therapist urging, we'd schedule meetings and check-ins.
I'd post daily, where I am on the fridge.

This became as much work as parenting and work-work. 26/

But I did it. Because, aside from my boys, she is and will be the most important person in the world to me.

And the sessions themselves.... I'd started resenting them. They'd be on Saturday mornings, and I'd be dreading them from the time I got off work on Friday. 27/

And AwesomeSpouse saw how hard it was for me, and would give me decompression space, but even then, it was like my whole Saturday was blown.

From the way I describe it, you'd think the sessions were torturous. I mean, it was just calm talking. Simple stuff, right? 28/

Stuff like, "Tell me what you've been discussing." "OK, now look at each other and phrase it like 'When you said X, it made me feel Y, because Z"

(#ActuallyAutistic folks you see it already don't you? that land mine, that innocuous little word, "feel") 29/

AS "When you disappear, it makes me feel anxious, because I think you don't want me." (Wait, what? Unwanted, I come back, I'm putting in the effort!?!? Grrr)

Me "When you said I don't show affection, I feel that's untrue, because I texted you twice a day last week" 30/

<Boom! Nailed it!>
Therapist "No, that's not a feeling word"
Me "I literally said the word 'feel'"
Therapist "But you didn't say how you felt..."
Me "Yes I did, I felt that was not accurate."

<Crap, AS is furrowing her brows and sighing, she's angry I said something wrong> 31/

Me "I don't know what you want me to say...... help me out here"
Therapist "Describe how you felt when she said that, Angry? Hurt? Confused?"
Me "I really didn't feel any of those things. I just wanted her to understand where I was coming from. What's the word for that." 32/

Therapist "Why can't you just tell her how you felt in that moment."
Me "Confused? Is that a feeling word? I don't understand"

I shutdown more than once in session. Which just made it seem like I was being petulant. When in fact, I just... couldn't... seem... to.. word.. 33/

It's like I was being tortured. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO SAY! You're being cruel here.... acting like I'm supposed to know this stuff. You're just bullying me! I have scripts for everything else and they work fine!!! (Again pre-DX)
34/

Phrases said by me multiple times during this:
"I feel so broken"
"I'm trying so hard and I'm exhausted"
"I feel like an alien"
"It's like you are speaking a different language."

I told her, I felt like I was stuck in this Twilight Zone episode () 35/

Called Wordplay. Worth a watch. In it a guy is finds that suddenly words no longer mean what they used to mean, and he can't seem to understand what people are saying.

I'll later learn that, actually, to an extent, this was what was happening. 36/

But I was floundering and I was terrified. I'm going to lose her if I fail at this.

And if this woman who has put up with all my weirdness all these years, who loves me dearly, can't handle me...

I've already managed to alienate close friends. 37/

The friends I do have, are mainly because she can social.

And I'll lose those in short order too. And it's fair, because I'm broken....

She'll still be in my life tho, we've got kids together. Maybe I'll be tolerable in small doses. 38/

And then something amazing happened, she put aside her hurt and empathized with me.

She said "I see how hard you are trying. I don't think you're broken, but you seem so miserable. Maybe this therapist isn't a good fit"

"No, no, I can do this. It's ok, I'll try harder." 39/

"It's OK, we'll try someone else. Someone who can understand you're side a little better."

<Yeah and if that one doesn't work, then what????>

"OK, if you think that's the right thing, I trust you." 40/

And so we put in our notice, asked for refs. Well, let's be honest, she did, because I was a wreck.

I was scared as HELL. Fucking terrified. I definitely knew what fear was, so maybe there was hope?

And despite the fear, it was like a weight taken off my chest. 41/

No more Saturday torture sessions. No more let's show Heath how emotionally illiterate he is.

AwesomeSpouse found a new guy, again, phoned him up.
<Why can't I seem to just be able to talk on the phone?>

He seemed good. More, grounded? Less touchy-feelly? 42/

I was so scared those first few sessions.

We'd try and have meals afterwards, and sometimes, I just couldn't.

AwesomeSpouse thought I was angry. And not really, more frustrated. On edge. Not angry.

But he taught us comprehension exercises, NOT feel your partner. 43/

And this, I got. This made some sense.

Because really, what I wanted more than anything in the whole world, was to stop hurting her and have her understand my fears and concerns.

Man, some of those were TOUGH.

We learned mirroring. Man, I love this one. 44/

It goes something like this.

You describe a concern or issue to your partner.
They describe it back to you.
You correct them and restate.

Repeat until you've got them saying what you are thinking.

Both parties get a turn. 45/

First, you gotta take ego out of the equation. This is pure empathy and understanding. No objections, no arguments, just clarifications.

Secondly, you can end up saying something that doesn't seem at all logical to you, but resonates with your partner. 46/

Those second ones were GOLD. I mean pure unadulterated GOLD.

There's obviously a level of trust in truth. But AwesomeSpouse knows, I'm honest and blunt to a fault. Embarassingly so. The number of times I've felt hurt because she wasn't "honest" with me. 47/

I felt "seen" for the first time in a LONG time.

A surprising large number of my grievances centered around being misunderstood and feeling like she couldn't understand why I was struggling so much.... Weird one that...
48/

Most of hers make complete sense to NT.
Why don't you want to be around me? (there's time I don't want to be around anyone...)
Why won't you just hug me/kiss me more often? (it feels weird sometimes... uncomfortable... unnatural... when I'm upset I don't want to be touched) 49/

Why don't you want to take trips? (I do, but they aren't relaxing to me. I do want to spend time with you.)
Why don't you show interest in me? Ask me about my day? (After work, I need some quiet decompress time to recover)

<Hey anyone seeing a pattern yet? 😉> 50/

One of the biggest issues we tackled was emotional expression.

We started tracking emotional stats like happiness and anxiety.

We had to come up with different metrics for me tho, cuz I'm weird.
51/

I'd rank myself high on "happiness", but she couldn't *see* it. I didn't smile enough, I didn't dance around. I cracked jokes, but was always so "serious".

Even when we were doing "fun" stuff like going to dinner. 52/

Intermission 2 Electric Bugaloo.... Final part coming soon...

Feel free to get up, walk around the cabin, and discuss...

Thanks for flying Heath's long-ass thread airline. We know you have a choice....

So, emotional stats. This was hard, because I had a lot of trouble relating to "happy" and "care-free". I think in terms in of "satisfied" and "balanced".
I'm reserved and I do I express my joy in things. But I'm not ever going to be a skip do the road with a smile guy. /53

AS is, and I LOVE this about her. She can just seem to filter out all the shit around her and just be joyful in the moment.

That's not me (wonder why 😉 ). It sometimes feels like the entire world is an itchy sweater. So, I think in terms of balance, satisfaction. /54

And of course I couldn't lie to her and not be honest when that sweater is itchy, and she asks if I'm OK. How could I possibly lie to her? She knows me too well.

But on balance, my life has WAY more positives than those annoying negatives. So, satisfaction is my measure. /55

And she believed me and saw, even when I came home exhausted, my satisfaction was still high, I didn't want to change my life.

The other custom measurement was emotional stability. I now realize this was "spoons" in the parlance. Or level of stimulation. /56

If my emotional stability was low, I needed recovery and balance time. And I'm an introvert, so of course, that means quiet, non-social time.

There was a strange twist, It's not that I needed to not be around her. I LOVE being around her, it's very comforting /57

But, I needed quiet activities where we didn't talk. My favorite thing in the world to do is coding/puzzle solving and listening to music, but that's not a group activity.

But jigsaws... that IS. So we found those "quiet" activities we could do together. /58

And when my "Emotional Stability" quotient was high, I worked hard to put myself out there, do the social and get out into the world.

And she became more accepting when I needed breaks. That this wasn't a commentary on her, that I didn't want to be there with her. /59

Took a year of hard work, but we finally got to what I called a "sustainable" medium. I mean, we both struggled with things, it was definitely work everyday, but I was used to that. She is worth it to me.

Now it work that had results. And she appreciated what I was doing. /60

And I appreciated her choices.

There's a world of dashing romantic guys out there, that I can never compete with. That will do the skipping and dancing and laughing.

None of them know my spouse as well as I do and work to learn
None of them will ever work as hard as me /61

None of them will ever be as fiercely loyal and honest as I am for her.
And, despite my rigidity, none of them would ever try so hard to be flexible for her.

And she could SEE those things now. Finally see them! See Me! /62

We finally understood the how each other worked and compromised and made us work.

And in a couple of years, we receive the gift of understanding the why (hint, it's #Autism). And I don't think I'd ever have known if we hadn't worked so hard on understanding each other. /63

So, long story short, therapists and doctors are just people, and not every one is going to grasp how your mind or body works, especially if it not "normal".

That's not to say, "Don't trust the medical community! Homeopathy! WOO! crystals!"

I'm saying don't BLINDLY trust. /64

If you feel your doctor or therapist seems to be missing half of what you're saying, it's ok to look for another who's comms better matches yours.

Know thyself, and when in doubt, find someone who knows you to reality check. /65

"Doc/Therapist says this is common. But I feel like they are not hearing me? Am I overreacting?" If so, get a second opinion.
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Annnnndddd that's it. Thanks for reading and congrats on making it to the end.
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Standard disclaimer. Thoughts and opinions are my own. My struggles aren't yours and don't diminish yours in any way. I'm just a guy, who's been through some stuff, that worked hard and found some knowledge that may or may not be useful to you.
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Would love feedback and comments... take care of yourselves and be gentle!