I've been contemplating doing a thread for a while about mental health. This will be something I've been thinking about for a little while after a very close mate suggested it. So here we go!
At the moment I'm currently not at work. For those who don't know I'm a junior charge nurse in an emergency department. I currently work in a major trauma centre.
At the end of October I went sick. What happened?
I was leading a shift in resus. Something I do regularly. I had a lovely team with me and it was a pleasant shift. At about 0130 we received a pre alert from one of our local air ambulance crews.
A pre alert isn't anything I'm not used to. What started to get me was the nature of what we were going to receive once they had completed their interventions on scene.
So why is this relevant you might ask? In April of 2010 my Dad, Marc went missing. He was found hanging from a tree in a park near where he worked. Sadly the pre alert was for something very similar to this.
Nearly a decade down the line and a career thus far spent in emergency care I have dealt with self harm, mental health and people who have attempted to end their own lives. This hadn't been too much of an issue.
The patient arrived and we took over their care. We provided care until their transfer to one of our critical care units.
I didn't feel particularly different. I just cracked on with the rest of the shift. Whilst we were caring for this individual the lead nurse for our shift had come to resus to be there and offer their help.
I cracked on and finished that shift and the subsequent one. I had four days off following. My partner and I had a good few days off which included attending a wedding.
On the way home I started noticing I wasn't the best. I was starting to have very intrusive memories from my Dad's funeral creep into my mind. This mainly consisted of fragments of readings.
A further element which generated more flashbacks was that the patient was accompanied by police officers. I was informed of my Dad's death by two police officers who cared for me and took me back to my family.
I began to draw together similarities. Following my four days off I went back to a day shift. I didn't have my head entirely in the game and was struggling to focus.
It came to the point where at about midday I had to collar the shift leader who was the same person on the night shift. I explained my past and asked what had transpired.
Sadly the outcome was not a happy one although something I wasn't surprised by.
The lead nurse and I had a frank chat. I wanted to have a break and come back after trying to clear my head a little. Rightly, they pointed out that if I can't focus and have my head in the game then it would not be wise for me to be there.
I was sent home. From work to home it is about a forty five minute drive. It wasn't a fun drive. Loud music and caffeine got me back home to my other half who I had called prior to leaving. She had known I wasn't brilliant.
I got home and explained as best I could what was going on. This had completely floored me. In some ways I am happy to exude a persona of rough, tough and unflappable ED nurse. However I have always encouraged those who I manage to seek help and be kind to themselves.
As mentioned earlier, it is part and parcel of working in an emergency department to deal with self harm in its many varieties. This one was different.
This woke up a lot of ghosts. It took me back to an exceptionally dark time. I had previously thought I'd dealt with the sequelae of my Dad's suicide as it hadn't been an issue in recent years. I also thought I had decent coping mechanisms.
This however was something else. I was entirely flattened. A few days later I went to see my GP. I knew I wasn't in any fit state to go back to work. I was signed off for two weeks.
The next fortnight is a bit of a blur. Aside from my sister visiting to bring the family dogs so I could have some company, I effectively spent two weeks on the sofa staring at a particular spot on the wall. I might have managed some TV and pointlessly short youtube clips.
At the end of that fortnight it was very clear I wasn't well at all. I went back to my GP. I asked for a referral to the local mental health services and for an antidepressant. My wonderful GP provided those. I had also asked my manager for a referral to occupational health.
During the next few weeks I lost a lot of my appetite. I was significantly over sleeping. I couldn't tolerate being in crowded spaces and decision making was becoming increasingly difficult.
I saw occupational health. Their team have been excellent. I was diagnosed with quite an entertaining bout of depression. They referred me to the occupational health psychiatrist.
I had no focus. I am usually a voracious reader. I couldn't read. If something required over a five minute attention span it didn't really happen. I was absolutely bloody miserable.
Early on I ended up using the local emergency mental health phone service that is provided as part of the 111 services. This was incredibly helpful as well.
Over the last few weeks an increase in my SSRI has helped dramatically. I would have sunk very far without them.
I've started seeing a counsellor which has yet to bear fruit but will be a worthwhile endeavour in the long run. This will be quite a journey I have ahead of me.
Over the last three to four weeks I've slowly regained my ability to focus. I've managed to read again. Audiobooks have been absolutely wonderful.
One of the other ways I have regained focus is through building models. In some ways I am still an oversized kid.
Whilst I've been out of action I have really struggled and still do to permit myself to need the time. To ask for help.
In some ways, asking for help has been like falling off a cliff. In others it has been a burden lifted. I have felt incredibly guilty not being a part of my team at work. For leaving them short.
Now if one of the people I manage was having similar issues I'd be encouraging them to take the time they needed. Offering what help I can as a manager. To be kind to myself.
Asking for help and medication have made an incredible difference to me. This is all very much still a work in progress as well.
I can't fault my department for how wonderful they have been. I miss being with them dreadfully at times. My work family are pretty epic.
I think I've talked enough so my last little messages are talk to people. Ask for help. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself be helped.
