Thread by @owillis

"I have just been informed that Snap, Crackle, and Pop have been brutally murdered in what police are saying is a ritualistic homicide. We apparently have a brand mascot serial killer on the loose."

Hello, I'm Oliver Willis, and you're listening to Cereal, a true crime podcast.

"And when you walked into the room, what did you see?"

"It was just brown. Brown everywhere. I felt sick."

"Did you know it right then, that the brown M & M was dead?"

"When I saw his peanut, I knew."

And now a word from Casper...

"How long did you work with Ernie?"

"God, it must have been 20, 30 years. We grew up in the trunk of this tree with each other."

"Was there any hint? Any clue?"

"I mean, he was the nicest guy. Even today, I don't totally believe that an elf like him could... *sob*"

"Detective, what were your thoughts?"

"This was a sick fuck. A sick, sick fuck. I mean, poor Spuds -- Mr McKenzie -- he was retired. He wasn't even an active mascot. And they killed him. Cut him up into little doggie parts. Fucking sick."

Have you tried Blue Apron?

"Man, Uncle Ben didn't do shit. He kept to himself. He was clean, a fine upstanding citizen."

"How did you feel when they brought him in."

"They're always trying to blame black people for something, right? Uncle Ben didn't even like cereal, and now they say he's a killer? Fuhh"

"A lot of people in the community didn't like Lucky. Yes, he had a long career, but at what cost? The whole Irish leprechaun thing was demeaning. Like a minstrel show."

"A lot of people disliked him."

"Tons."

"But did they want him dead?"

"I'd bet a marshmallow clover on it."

"You used to run with a pretty tough crew"
"I don't snitch, but me, Fred, Barney, we did some crazy stuff in the day. Cocoa Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles. It didn't matter, it all went up our nose. But then when they found them, stripped and laid out like that. Jesus Christ."

Just go to casper dot com and use the promo code CEREAL for a special discount for my listeners.

Now, back to the crime scene...