1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 289 of #MrMrsBetterHalf Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word. 
2. In the last episode, we discussed the question, “Why friendship trumps romance”. Missed it? Catch up here wakelet.com/wake/265fee0e-… This week’s topic is “How to disagree without collateral damage?" #MrMrsBetterHalf
3. It’s normal for people to disagree whether gently or heatedly. After all, we are not the same. But when heated disagreements become the order of the day, there’s a problem. #MrMrsBetterHalf
4. People essentially argue when there’s a difference in opinion and neither party wants to back down. Sometimes the issues at stake are not critical. For instance, arguing about your favourite movie, or team or actor. #MrMrsBetterHalf
5. But even when the issues at stake are not critical, typically, partners want a sense that they have likes and dislikes in common. If you are constantly squabbling over everything- even insignificant things, that is also quite unhealthy. #MrMrsBetterHalf
6. It becomes even more worrisome when you have divergent opinions on many critical matters, and neither of you wants to concede a point. The relationship will feel like a battlefield and it can put a strain on the relationship. #MrMrsBetterHalf
7. The bible says it’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. Same goes for living with a quarrelsome husband! If you've started avoiding home because of the tension, it’s time for an emergency intervention. #MrMrsBetterHalf
8. Why do arguments get ugly? Usually, ‘me’ centred arguments deteriorate quicker than ‘we’ centred ones. When you are arguing for the benefit of one person (usually yourself), your argument is selfish. The win is for you, not us. #MrMrsBetterHalf
9. Nobody likes to feel like a loser. When you argue in a relationship, you are not supposed to be at war. It is not a presidential debate where there must be a winner or loser. Your focus should be to argue so you can both win. #MrMrsBetterHalf
10. Always remember that you can win an argument and lose a friend. If you don’t see your spouse/partner as a friend you can’t afford to lose, you will always argue yourself out of your relationship or marriage! #MrMrsBetterHalf
11. Interestingly sometimes arguments are a result of passion gone wild – when emotionally immature people don't articulate or manage their passion for each other they can butt heads. For such people, they just need to slow down and mature emotionally. #MrMrsBetterHalf
12. So how to argue without pain? 2 things: The first is good communication which requires skill. You must seek to understand and be understood. If not, misunderstandings can escalate and become unpleasant. #MrMrsBetterHalf
13. Are you listening to your partner? Are you responding to what s/he is saying or are you talking over his head? Sometimes we don’t listen. We just wait for people to stop talking so we can say what’s on our minds. That’s not good communication. #MrMrsBetterHalf
14. You must stop, listen, and sometimes even repeat what the other person said just so you are sure you understand, make a comment about his or her remark and then make an additional submission. Your partner should do the same for you. That’s communication. #MrMrsBetterHalf
15. The second thing is that we must not listen with filters or preconceived notions. If you have a particular mindset about your partner based on past experiences, it doesn’t matter what they say or do, you can still read them wrong. #MrMrsBetterHalf
16. Here are some tips to minimize arguments and conflicts in relationships. A) You need to slow down for each other. If you have realized that you are arguing too much, model being of a cooler temperament. #MrMrsBetterHalf
17. If you are the one who is discerning enough to see that your relationship needs a change, first try to start changing yourself so that you can model calmness to your partner. #MrMrsBetterHalf
18. I find change happens faster when introspection comes first. Don’t be the person that identifies a speck in someone else’s eye without first taking out the log in yours. It's easy for us to spot what others might be doing while missing our own shortcomings. #MrMrsBetterHalf
19. B) Unpack your differences. Be they differences in your personality, background or worldview. Walk-in each other’s shoes. When you do this, how you internalize and interpret situations will be different. Deal with each other with understanding. #MrMrsBetterHalf
20. C) Know each other’s triggers. What do you do that upsets your partner? Is it your supposed sense of humour? Are you disrespectful? Do you raise your voice? Do you say unkind or mocking things? For some, these may not matter, but it might be a trigger. #MrMrsBetterHalf
21. D) Unpack the real issues - what are we arguing about? What is it that is really upsetting you? Sometimes, it seems you are arguing about not fueling the car but really the issue is one party feels neglected. Go to the root of the issue. #MrMrsBetterHalf
22. Discuss the real issues and strive to resolve them. In doing so, deal with each other in care, consideration and respect. And don’t dig up past issues. No one wants a partner that throws them under the bus whenever there is an issue. #MrMrsBetterHalf
23. Some people bring up every wrongdoing their partner has ever done while arguing over an issue. It may hurt your partner more than whatever you are currently dealing with – especially if you’ve told them you forgave them in the past. #MrMrsBetterHalf
24. In discovering the real issues, you must be vulnerable. It begins with open, honest communication. The health and length of your relationship largely depend on this. #MrMrsBetterHalf
25. E) Commit to being true friends. Most of us argue with our friends without the friendships falling apart- that’s because we love our friends and are willing to show them grace to make them happy. #MrMrsBetterHalf
26. If you argue with your spouse and it breaks you up, it shows that there is no grace. This is not right. You should give your spouse more concession than anyone else. You should be willing to forgive them the most, not the least. #MrMrsBetterHalf
27. F) Argue for a mutual win. This will mean being less intense and destructive with your words. Your words should build up your relationship and partner, not tear them down. If you were hurtful with your words, apologize quickly and sincerely. #MrMrsBetterHalf
28. G) Prefer each other in love. Sometimes you actually don’t need to argue. Sow the seed of love. Your partner wants to stay indoors while you want to go out - stay indoors for him/her. Do it cheerfully and sow it as a seed. #MrMrsBetterHalf
29. Don’t whine and complain and plan to use it as a blackmailing tool for another day- simply agree because you love each other. Love is sacrificial - and it works the sweetest when we both sacrifice for each other. It should not be one-sided! #MrMrsBetterHalf
30. If you notice your spouse never sacrifices even after you have tried to model this for him or her, have a kind but frank crucial conversation with him or her & communicate how it makes you feel. Don’t accuse or start another argument- just state how you feel. #MrMrsBetterHalf
31. One more thing I want to mention is that some people simply love arguing. They find it intellectually stimulating and entertaining. If you are like this, ensure that your idiosyncrasy is not one that drives your partner crazy. #MrMrsBetterHalf
32. While arguing might energize you, arguing might drain your partner and s/he will react negatively. Eventually, your partner will resent you and you will resent him or her for resenting you. The moral here is to be knowledgeable about who your partner is. #MrMrsBetterHalf
33. If your partner is not the arguing type, find other people that you can do most of your sparring with and only keep the vital or lighter arguments for your partner- and even then don’t argue just to win the argument. Argue to come to a meaningful resolution. #MrMrsBetterHalf
34. I hope this has been helpful to you. I will be back next week with another topic. Until then, thanks for following, participating and RTing. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf
