Thread by @marcowenjones

My tips for self-isolation #COVID19

1) Eat only doughnuts or biscuits, fresh vegetables probably contain earwigs

2) Try to sit in the same position for long periods of time. Failing to do this might result in injury

3) Under no circumstances exercise, it may alarm your pets

4) Avoid cleaning, it may disturb the dust that has already settled on surfaces

5) If you live alone avoid Skype or other forms of social media. They transmit corona

6) Keep the curtains closed at all times. Light might cause reflections on your TV and impair viewing #covid19

7) Limit your Netflix viewing to only ten hours per day. Remember to leave time for Xbox too

8) If you play an instrument do it only between the hours of 1am and 5am. It's much quieter then, so you can hear yourself better

9) Read Trump's timeline to soothe anxiety #COVID19

10) If you feel lonely bang on the neighbours ceiling (or stomp on their floor) to initiate a chat. They'll appreciate your effort

11) There are plenty of ways to communicate while social distancing. Smoke rings are my favourite. Old plastic milk bottles burn best

#Corona

12) Semaphore is also a good way to communicate with distant neighbours. But remember if you do it with clothes on it's offensive in some cultures

13) Getting up to urinate is considered exercise. Use an old milk bottle. You can always burn it later (see point 11) #cororonatips

14) Limit your intake of news to 24 hours a day. Make sure to have it on in the background at all times. It's good to know what is happening as this reduces anxiety.

15) Instead of phoning old friends, phone old enemies. This is the perfect time to settle old scores #coronatips

16) If you feel the urge to break wind, it means you're probably paying enough attention to tip 1

17) Set several alarms on your mobile fully intending to sleep through them all. Tape them to your adjoining wall too, your neighbours may not have an alarm. They'll be grateful

18) Drink at least 10 espressos before 1pm. This will keep you focused, and remember you shouldn't really have caffeine after 4pm.

19) Make sure all your devices are emitting the bluest light they are capable of, especially after 6pm. This will help keep you alert as you sleep

20) Morse code is also another good way to communicate while social distancing. It sounds best on any of the following instruments (no particular order)
1) Amplified trombone
2) Amplified kazoo
3) A regular drum (but ideally amplified)

#COVID19

21) Your self esteem may take a battering during this time. To perk yourself up, stand in front of the mirror in your underwear under a glaring spotlight and inhale deeply. Push your chin deeply into your neck. Looking at photos of yourself when you were much younger also helps

22) Beware of prying neighbours who might be bored. If you must open the curtain do so only when you are unclothed. Also remember if it's dark outside it's harder for them to see you if you turn your lights on as brightly as possible.

That's it for now folks, hope you enjoyed these #quarantinetips! Remember, above all, it's good to laugh :) #Corona