a few months ago, I ended a relationship of almost 13 years in large part thanks to what i've learned about existing as a person with #ADHD
The relationship was stormy, passionate but also deeply troubled and toxic. The more I learned about #ADHD and the tendency to people-please, be codependent and be easily gaslight, as well as not recognize or respect boundaries, the more I saw the patterns in my own life
My partner was often frustrated at me about things that I came to recognize as being inherently a part of my ADHD. The more I learned about them, the better I was able to manage them, and ultimately what led me to helping others manage their own ADHD quirks
It's challenging to reflect on it, and it's still quite new, but the more I took charge of my ADHD issues the more he complained about my ADHD, going so far as to tell me that I needed a 'disability support worker' - not that there is ANYTHING wrong with needing a support worker
but in this context it was meant to convince me that I was incapable. Many times over the years I was told I was 'stupid', whenever I opposed a plan or wanted to do things my way I was made to feel that I was 'invalidating' him by not doing things the way he wanted.
Many times there was tenderness, love, and deep compassion. But there were also instances of verbal, physical and emotional abuse as well as sexual coercion and a lot of manipulation. These days I am reflecting on what part I played in contributing to the toxic communication
in a non-self-victim-blame-y way. We know that the statistics show that ADHD can contribute to higher rates of divorce. We know that ADHDers and non-ADHDers have areas where they struggle and there is much wonderful literature out there that explore how to navigate this
and mitigate it. Add in the layer of the NT person being abusive and it's a real head scratcher to tease out when there were legitimate complaints, where my behaviour should have been better, where I caused real harm, and where it was just manipulative smoke in mirrors.
When I became empowered about my ADHD and learned about the emotional aspects of ADHD, such as RSD, emotional dysregulation, rumination, as well as why I struggled with distractibility, hyperfocus and impulsivity, I was able to step up for my partner in a way I hadn't before
All the complaints, all the insults, all the scorn - I worked on it, I got better, I tried harder & I owned my shit. I set boundaries and I tried to respect boundaries (although clear ones were not usually set in a healthy way). This is when I became suspicious that it *wasnt me*
because the more changes I made, the more things stayed the same. The more I saw myself change, the more I heard that I hadn't changed at all, that I was as bad as ever, and I knew that absolutely wasn't true.
I saw improvements on my partner's part as well, but we never overcame the issue where his unhappiness was my responsibility; where I was the cause of his resent, grumpiness, dissatisfaction.
Each of us are responsible for our own happiness, and if we can't make that work in a situation, then it's our responsibility to walk away. That's what I did, for myself and for my daughter. I hope that this person will go on to find the happiness they seek somewhere else.
I think I'll always wonder how much of what he complained about me was true and how much really did have to do with ADHD, but there's nothing I can do about the past. I'm happy and confident with how much better I manage my ADHD these days and how healthy I feel.
I'm sad that didn't seem to matter to him but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm also grateful in a bittersweet way to have had this experience so that I could learn what I learned, grow as I've grown and become strong.
I don't regret the good times I shared & the deep love & care that I felt for this person and I love and care for them still, but I couldn't let that love & care be the reason I let someone treat me w disrespect and potentially traumatize our child by doing it in front of them.
My identity as a coach and an ADHD advocate changed everything for me. I realized that to take ownership of my own life, I had to leave behind the things that no longer served me, including this. I refuse to be blamed for someone else's unhappiness.
I refuse to accept that I am simply 'less than' because of my ADHD. I refuse to accept that my own needs and desires are worth less because I haven't always been as attentive or consistent as I should have been.
I refuse to believe that my boundaries don't matter because I haven't always known how to respect the boundaries of others. I refuse to believe that I shouldn't trust myself.
Anyway, I hope my story can inspire others. Managing your ADHD is a challenge and it can be especially challenging when you're in a relationship, but it's not an excuse for someone else to treat you like shit. It doesn't make abuse OK.
We can be frustrating sometimes, but the other person still has to act with integrity and respect. it took me a long time to learn that.
I debated opening up about this because I felt it may be unprofessional, and also because its important to me that my (ex)partners privacy is respected. It doesnt matter who he is, and my hope is that he finds happiness
But at the same time, I gotta tell my story to heal, yknow?
