(1) And we're started! Goodcovfefe is kicking us off with a prepared statement, aaaaand he starts off with a broadside against Loretta Lynch. Hilarious. Oh, and Holder was at one point held in contempt over Fast and Furious.
(2) He suspects 'Muh Russia!' to come nonstop from the Dems on the committee. Fantastic. Why don't I have bourbon.
(3) He's still going. Also, Goodcovfefe calls out that gun laws on the books weren't being enforced, but now are under Sessions.
(4) Aaaaaand he just called out Obama era program of settlements going to community action (liberal) causes. I like this guy.
(5) Conyers up next. Dem. "Trump undermines the integrity of the justice system!" "Sessions is ignoring our oversight requests!" "Sessions is only seeing us for the first time but he's been to see the Senate 3 times!"
(6) Goodcovfefe called it. Conyers is devolving into 'Muh Russia!' 'Sessions lied about Russia!' 'Trump campaign and Russia colluded!!!!' 'PAPASMURFALOUS!!!'
(7) Conyers voice reminds me of the grandpa from South Park. I'm waiting for him to call Sessions the wrong name. 'LITTLE BILLY! WHY DONT YOU VISIT ME IN THE NURSING HOME!' "Representative Conyers, you're in an office in DC" 'Whaaaaa?'
(8) "Trump denigrates judges and threatens to fire Sessions and and and!"
(9) Conyers is going on about obstruction of justice now. Yeah, this guy's pointless.
(10) Someone tell this guy to take a drink of water. Jesus his voice.
(11) HE JUST WONT STOP. WHY. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.
(12) "Why hasn't Sessions come to see us?!? Its been 10 months!" I dunno, maybe he's been busy deporting MS-13? "You can't keep us in the dark forever!" Its worked well for 10 months, no reason not to keep it up! STEALTHY JEFF!
(13) *sobs* its over, its finally over, now Sessions is sworn in.
(14) Sessions is finally giving his opening statement.
(15) Goal is to get crime trending down. 23% increase in gun prosecutions. "Gun control when?" "When you pay attention to us enforcing it."
(16) Sessions is making it clear that the DoJ sees the police as the solution to, not cause of, crime. That's a refreshing sentiment.
(17) DoJ has been advising Trump on ending the unlawful appropriations funding Obamacare circumventing the House, ending DACA, etc.
(18) What's Sessions been doing? Restoring the enforcement of the Constitution is what.
(19) Sessions: "there is a longstanding policy of not confirming or denying of ongoing investigations" BOOM BABY!
(20) @drawandstrike Stealthy Jeff is coming out with all guns blazing.
(21) Papasmurfalous was NOT authorized to represent the campaign to Russia, and Sessions claims he pushed back against him.
(22) "None of you have been in a Presidential campaign, and none of you were in the TRUMP campaign."
(23) "I will not accept and I will reject any accusations that I have lied."
(24) Goodcovfefe is up first for questions. Gun prosecutions are up. 25% for unlawful possession and 10% unlawful use. Sessions: Prosecutions for lying on forms to acquire firearms dropped 50% in the past 3-4 years.
(35) The Obama administration was not prosecuting gun crimes. Period.
(26) damn typo, previous one should have been 25. Anyways, unmasking disclosure questions! Are these disclosures legal?
(27) Sessions: YYYYYYYYYUP. HOLY CRAP there are 27 open investigations into leaks. For comparison: there were 9 IN THE PAST 3 YEARS.
(28) Conyers is back. BLAHHHHHHHH
(29) He's going to use Trump's statements. His tweets. LMAO HE USED ONE WHERE TRUMP CALLED WARRENS POCHAHANTAS.
(30) "I believe he was referring to Elizabeth Warren with that one."
(31) The yes or no question game. This'll be funny. "Respond in a yes or no!"
(32) Sessions is just running over this guy, lol.
(33) Conyers is asking if Sessions is recused from any investigations involving Clinton (ie Uranium One).
(34) Sessions: "To announce my recusal in such an investigation might reveal the existence of said investigation. I can't answer that." Aaaaaand time is up.
(35) Sensenbrenner next, Republican. Starts talking about NSA privacy issues. FISA section 702 is brought up,
(36) Its a talk about the balance between acting on foreign intelligence and civil liberties. As per Sessions, the FISA law is already considered lawful, they're still wrangling over whether it will be reauthorized.
(37) Nadler's up next. Dem, New York, automatically goes into recusals again. Gooooo figure.
(38) Papasmurfalous is back up, more yes or no games.
(39) He's trying to grill Sessions, Sessions is pushing back at the yes or no, now this guy's trying to put words in Sessions mouth.
(40) Aaaand time is up. That got testy. Chabot's up next. Republican, OH.
(41) He asks about the DNC and Clinton campaign's funding of the dossier, Sessions is bringing up the recusal, can't answer.
(42) Now brings up Clinton's use of the law firm as an intermediary. Asking Sessions if he's concerned and whether its legal to use a law firm to disguise the expenditures.
(43) Sessions can't comment because of recusal.
(44) Now for marijuana!!! Sessions' DoJ policy (which is the same as Lynch's policy) is that it is currently illegal for federal purposes. Sounds like the standard answer: change it at the federal level, and Sessions will change his tune.
(45) Lofgren from CA next. Not even going to look her up, I'm assuming she's a Dem, because she's from CA and she immediately started talking about Flynn.
(46) More yes or no crap.
(47) Did you discuss Kislyak meetings with Flynn? Christ.
(48) Papasmurfalous again! Its like freaking parrots with these people.
(49) "Flynn was working with the Turkish government!!!" "Did you know of his attempts to extradite Gulen?!?" Jesus, now that horseshit is leaking into the hearing.
(50) LMAO. "Were you aware that the Turkish government 'allegedly' offered 50 million to kidnap Gulen?!" These people are freaking delusional. Seriously. She's done, King from Iowa is next, R.
(51) DACA first. Sessions bring up that Obama stated he couldn't implement DACA the way he did, then changed his mind and did it anyways. The courts found it unlawful. Then Homeland Security withdrew it and are winding it down.
(52) LMAO. King says the Dems are threatening to shut down the government if they don't get DACA in law.
(53) Backlog of immigration cases. 300+ judges are needed to clear the backlog, as per Sessions.
(54) Jesus, 600k backlog of cases.
(55) Hillary Clinton and email intent question. He's just rambling.
(56) And out of time. I need to take a break on this, good lord. I'll try to pick it back up in a bit after lunch.
(57) Jackson Lee is next up. Starts by attacking Moore.
(58) Flurry of pictures being held up. "Do you doubt these women?" "I have no reason to doubt." Come on, Sessions, don't let her grandstand on you.
(59) Sessions: his ethics people are telling him he should not be involved in the campaign at all. She's trying to push him to making a statement similar to McConnell's that Moore shouldn't be seated if he wins.
(60) And she's back to Papasmurfalous. Jesus christ. "I cannot imagine your memory would fail you that much." CONGRATULATIONS REPRESENTATIVE JACKSON LEE, YOU'RE MY NEXT PICK FOR BETTER KNOW A DEMOCRAT.
(61) "Do you want to admit you lied under oath or do you want to correct your testimony right now." Oh yeah. She's asking for a trip to the burn ward.
(62) She's just word salading Trump and Russia, running right over Sessions, and Goodcovfefe is having to step in to play referee. Congressional hearings are a full contact sport.
(63) The look of sheer indignation on her face is fucking FANTASTIC. And now, BOOM, BLACK LIVES MATTER GETS BROUGHT IN
(64) "Why are you attacking black identity activists and not alt-right white supremacists?" As she holds up a report that black extremists are more likely to target police officers. Which they are.
(65) This is almost comical at this point. She's calling Sessions a racist. I'm remembering this little shitshow for when I do a thread on her.
(66) Jesus christ the finger wagging while she rambles on about mandatory minimums and overincarceration! This is FANTASTIC. Seriously, she starts about 50 minutes from the end of the youtube stream, and it just keeps getting more hilarious. I recommend watching it for comedy.
(67) Sessions: "We're already working on that. I worked with Senator Durbin on reducing crack-cocaine penalties some years ago." Aaaaaand times up.
(68) Issa, R from CA, is next.
(69) LMAO. Issa: "I don't speak Russian, I've never met with any Russians, and I don't want to ask about that." Sessions: "Be careful, someone might take those words at face value and accuse you of not being honest!" LMAO
(70) "That's what they've done to me!" The banter. I love it.
(71) Boarding home talk for 'sober living homes', whatever those are. Apparently the 9th circuit rulings are making it impossible for cities to set these up. I guess they're some kind of alcohol and drug free homes?
(72) Now some wrangling over EPA regulations and whether or not they're law. Sessions is standing behind the DoJ in a case where it was argued the regulations had the force of law, even if they weren't presented to congress? Not sure what exactly they're talking about here either
(73) Says Ways and Means referred prosecution for Lerner, Lynch refused to press for charges, Issa's asking if Sessions will present it to a grand jury as per law. Sessions says he'll look into it.
(74) Times up, Cohen, a D from Tennessee. Haha, subtle under the table dick joke with some rhyming! Be thankful, I held off for 74 tweets.
(75) Voting Rights Act. Accusations of racism! "Voter id is racist against blacks and latinos! Stop defending voter id laws!" "No. Supreme Court has approved of Voter ID." Boom.
(76) Jim Crow! Slavery! Voter ID is racist! Stop defending voter ID laws! And then he pivots hard to marijuana.
(77) "I saw what you did regarding crack-cocaine, it was good, but it wasn't good enough." Oh, you can just go fuck yourself.
(78) Sessions is defending that legislation. Cohen's going hard on marijuana legalization. Sessions is promising to take a hard look on it.
(79) And Cohen's back on my shit list again. Takes an out of context Sessions quote about whether good people smoke marijuana, lists off a bunch of republicans who admit to having smoked marijuana, asks which of them aren't good people.
(80) Interesting point from Sessions. Context of the quote was that he said that over time marijuana fell out of fashion, and it reached a point that it was seen that good people didn't smoke marijuana. Goodcovfefe jumps in before it gets too heated and calls time.
(81) Time's called, but not before Cohen asks alabama or auburn. Everyone knows its Auburn. DUH. Anyways, Next, Jordan, R Ohio.
(82) He asks if the FBI payed Steele. Sessions can't answer about any ongoing investigations. As @LarrySchweikart said, anyone who knows anything (like Sessions) can't say anything about this kinda stuff.
(83) Did the FBI present the dossier to the FISA court? Can't answer. Did the FBI verify the dossier? Can't answer. Who leaked the Comey-Trump meeting on the dossier to the CNN? Can't answer. Is there an investigation going on into it? Can't answer.
(84) House Judiciary committee sent a letter 3 1/2 months ago asking for one. Wants to know what it'll take to GET a special counsel.
(85) Sessions is putting up a wall on what it'll take. Sounds more like a can't answer. Sessions finally says 'looks like' isn't enough to appoint a special counsel as time expires.
(86) That's... an interesting way to word that answer. Says "looks like" isn't enough. not that there isn't enough. Keep in mind he can't say whether they're already looking into all this. STEALTH JEFF.
(87) Johnson, D-GA (dekalb county, one of the counties in the senate special election race from several months ago. Fun) is next.
(88) Recusal. Wants to know why he recused himself.
(89) Accuses Sessions of filibustering. Sessions states that there is a little-known rule that if someone participates in a legal campaign, he should recuse himself
political campaign*
(90) Comey firing questions SKIPPING. Oooh, question about the TIme Warner-AT&T merger. Brings up CNN! lmao
(91) Accusation that CNN dropping requirement is political retribution.
(92) Sessions first says he can't comment on the accuracy of the report. Sessions calls it fake lmao.
(93) Sessions states there's a review from the DoJ and FBI on cybersecurity protection for elections, says we aren't anywhere near where we should be. Time's up. He was... tolerable.
(94) Smith from Texas. R. Talks up Sessions' work so far. Sanctuary cities up first. Apparently Rep Smith helped get a law on the books against sanctuary cities.
(95) Sessions compliments back, apparently Smith's retiring, time ends, recess.
(96) Great thing about falling behind an hour on this. I can skip right over the recess LMAO.
(97) Representative Douche is up next, D-Fla. Immediately starts talking about Flynn and Trump asking Comey to let the Flynn thing go. Then about firing Comey over the Russian investigation.
(98) Obstruction of justice! Ok, this guy's grandstanding. "No one is taking any action to protect the special counsel!" "Can Trump fire the special counsel?"
(99) Sessions is stating he can't answer. "Trump shouldn't be allowed to block investigations! You're failing to acknowledge that!"
(100) Sessions is throwing up a smokescreen here. Loving it. Accuses Donald Trump Jr of a crime (unspecified) for being in contact with wikileaks (is that a crime?)
(101) representative douche is going all out with the grandstanding. My god. Sessions needs to smack this guy down. "The rule of law is crumbling at our feet!"
(102) "Members of this body may choose to abdicate these matters! Saturday night massacre! REEEEEEE!!!!"
(103) So much REEEEEEEEEE. So much. Holy crap. Time expires. Sessions gets to finally responding to the screeching. "The attorney general should not be giving legal opinions from the seat of his britches." LMAO.
(104) I'm calling it here. This is 104 tweets long and getting absurd. Representative Douche is making me tap out LMAO. /END MY SUFFERING.
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