Thread by @jaketapper

‘Twas the night before Christmas
At Nakatomi Tower
When our story of homecoming
Begins with brute power

At Los Angeles airport, meet our savior, McClane;
With toys for his kids he disembarks from his plane.
To not see that this tale’s about Christmas is folly;
Did I mention that Mrs. McClane’s name is Holly?

“How 'bout some Christmas music?” McClane asks of Argyle.
“That *is* Christmas music,” the driver says with a smile.
To reunite with Holly, his aim is shared with shy laughter;
T’would be a holiday miracle to last ever after.

“You throw quite a party,” says John to Tagaki-San.
“I didn't know they had Christmas in Japan.”
John is weary from travel; Holly offers a bed.
While down in the lobby, the guard’s shot in the head.

In Theo! In Kyle! In Tony, Ed, Fritz!
Into the party the armed thugs run a blitz.
(Argyle still waits; this is long before Uber.)
While havoc is wreaked by the evil Hans Gruber.

John McClane, he escapes. Save the day - he’s just gotta;
Without shoes he tracks blood as if bearing wounds of stigmata;
One thug tries to kill him but that German’s too slow;
Now John McClane has a machine gun. HO-HO-HO.

Sgt. Al Powell is told of disturbance;
In response the fake guard feigns a bit of perturbance
Does he hear anything? The answer is no
Except for the song “LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW”

“Merry Christmas,” says Powell, not realizing the peril;
Driving off while he sings a beloved Christmas carol.
A corpse falls from above with a clear rationale;
McClane says to the cop “Welcome to the party, pal.”

Gruber talks to McClane,
or rather he sneers
Survival would be a miracle, he plays on his fears
The policeman is bloodied and in dire need of succor
“Yipee-ki-yea,” McClane says, “mother-f***er.”

A woman hostage with child in of its glory
Is also a part of our Christmas Eve story
With Johnny McC traveling great distance
With hope and with love fighting evil resistance

Theo, a wise man, who’s also quite naughty
Is stealing the money in spirit quite haughty
Ellis, the Judas, attempts an amenity
By disclosing the cowboy’s secret identity

McClane gets a bad feeling and asks Sgt Powell
To relay to his wife a redemptive avowal
“When things panned out for her, I should've been behind her all the way”
He says this thinking that he’ll never see the light of day.

“I got it,” says the sergeant, “but you can tell her yourself.”
In a scene that’s as seasonal as a reindeer or elf
“I hope so, but that's up to the guy upstairs,” says McClane
Who’s traveled far for peace but encountered only pain

If Christmas is love, rebirth and a savior
McClane was all of the above in his Die Hard behavior
God was truly with him, the success was empirical
At Nakatomi they experienced a miracle

That Die Hard is a Christmas film
Seems to me just a Fact
I declare this without any holiday tact
But whether you agree or your disapproval won’t cease
I wish you a season of love and of peace. 🎄 🎄 🎄