Thread by @Johngcole

I’ve been in this meeting for five minutes and I am already thinking of valid excuses for me to leave early.

we’re at eight minutes and I am reasonably sure I am going to die before I make it through 2 1/2 hours.

this day started out traumatic enough when I realized I had to put on pants

23 minutes and beads of sweat are forming on my forehead. I can’t tell if the room is hot or if I am having hot flashes.

we’re at 31 minutes in. I have already mentally judged everyone in the room. A lot of people are coming up lacking.

I’m dying.

These are tech people so the last thing I want to do is imagine them all naked.

I need a spam filter for real life.

the first presenter has already talked more out loud than I do in the average week.

I have a lot of internal monologues to make up for it, and then there is twitter.

“We’re going to send you a copy of this entire presentation when we are done.”

WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE THEN JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST

They turned out the lights at the 56 minute mark. We’re now in he powerpoint phase.

OH GOD WE’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO HAVE A BREAK HALFWAY THROUGH FOR ME TO SNEAK OUT.

I’m hungry.

I want a cigarette.

I don’t smoke.

every single part of this could have been done online via teleconference. There is literally no reason for any of us to be here. Is this an extrovert thing? The need to be around other people?

I don’t need to be in the same room with all of these people for it to be real experience. I believe you all exist and this isn’t the matrix.

“I could spend an hour and a half just showing you this”

dear god please stop her

why spend ten words explaining something when you can use four hundred

This is how an ideal world would work. Every interaction would be like this.

Did I mention that the premise of this entire presentation is “Things we’d like to do” and none of it is for sure and about as likely to happen as my list of supermodels I am going to sleep with this year.

at the 90 minute mark they decided to skip the break and just “power through” and people could go to the bathroom if they needed.

I was the only one who got up. I feel like I am in a remake of “They Live."

I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom I just had to not be in that room for five minutes.

New speaker. He seems just as excited to talk as the previous two.

This is never going to end. Maybe I am not giving off the right “I’m in agony wrap it up” nonverbals.

Maybe if I start drooling

“so what happens if I click this little red chevron”

Please tell me it means the meeting ends.

“So, do any of you use this?”

No one raises their hand.

“Well I’m going to discuss it briefly anyway.”

Because of fucking course you fucking are,

“Here are a bunch of statistics that make no sense to you because you don’t know the program I am talking about and have no frame of reference, but we’ve had 127% growth”

if a doctor ever tells me I only have a week to live I am going to spend it in a meeting

presentations are done and we are now in the question phase and if anyone asks a question I will shiv the motherfucker in the parking lot and then back over their corpse in my Honda

you miserable motherfucker you had to ask didn’t you

I hope no one heard or saw me mouth fuck you and moan

I fucking knew you would ask a question. I mean I knew it. If we had polled the fucking room everyone would have guessed you would be the one.

free at last

caught a glimpse of myself in the glass as I left and I apparently ran my fingers through my hair so much I now have a fauxhawk