Thread by @thewritingj

[thread cw for disordered eating, mental illness]

so being mentally ill means that even though my health is in a decent place, I have achieved major life goals and have healthy relationships and am taking my meds, etc.

I still can't handle basic shit like making myself food.

I have executive dysfunction out the ASS. And also it's really hard for me to sense the passage of time. So I will literally be on my couch, thinking "man my stomach hurts. why is that?" because I *didn't notice* it's been 48 hrs since I last ate a meal.

I don't have an eating disorder (or this would be so much worse). I just struggle with remembering to take care of myself, or finding the energy/motivation to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the kitchen.

And I have deep trauma related to specific self care activities, like showering. Multiple times in my life I have nearly broken down into tears trying to make myself take a shower.

Being mentally ill is so much more than just mitigating symptoms the DSM lists out for a diagnosis. There are pervasive layers to it. This week I've had several genuinely happy days. Not anxious. Not depressed.

But I still don't function a a neurotypical person on those days.

I think that's something that isn't talked about? We focus on what the symptoms mean and what it's like to live with them. People can conceptually understand what depression might feel like. But not the full weight of what 15 years of depression does to a person.

Especially when it's romanticized. The idea of helping a deeply sad person to feel joy again is a beautiful idea. Sitting next to your unwashed, irritable partner who can't verbalize thoughts today and is crying as you talk them through eating one bite after another... ehhh.

In college I used to regularly say on tumblr, "there's nothing romantic about staring at a white wall for six hours" lol but anyway

Anyway I made myself food and drank some apple juice and am googling "how to handle executive dysfunction" while trying to think of some kind of external reward system I can give myself for making food. Thank you for listening.

And be gentle with the mentally ill people in your life. I promise we're trying.