This is my thread on the matter. It will be only time I speak directly about it. TW for everything you’ve been hearing about and suicide as well. #ChangetheChannel
My family has 2 informal ‘saints’. My grandfather, who died when my mom and siblings were kids, and my cousin Michael, who took his own life in 2004. They are talked about, rememberd; their presence is always with us.
Suicide was conceptual for me until Michael died. He was 10 years my senior and played the drums…when I was little, back in the 80’s, I thought he was a rock star. His death had a profound effect on everyone.
Justin’s death had the same effect on me. We’d been ‘coworkers’ at PME, suffering through the sheer hell of that experience, and we’d interacted for years previous while he and my wife were with CA.
Afterwards, I heard a rumour that he’d been sexually inappropriate with a friend-of-a-friend. It was hard to believe but the person was trustworthy and had no reason to lie. My feelings were complicated and I kept them to myself.
About 2 weeks ago I found out that there’d been more than one person. This was a pervasive pattern of behaviour with multiple witnesses and victims. I believe them, all of them.
That’s where those complicated feelings come in. I felt them. Many people probably feel them too right now. That’s cognitive dissonance, that unpleasant sensation when you hold conflicting beliefs and have to manage them.
There was a time in my life when I was the victim, when I wanted to speak out but was afraid no one would believe me. Speaking out would only mean more abuse, so I was silent for nine years.
I looked at the people around me and thought, ‘How could they be friends with this person? How can they not see what he’s doing?’ Now I realise *I* was one of those people for Justin’s victims.
I lionised him in memory and in public...I can't begin to even imagine how that made his victims feel and I apologise for any re-traumatisation or hurt I may have caused, even if it was ignorance...that's no excuse.
I want to be better than that; we all should. I can’t excuse his horrible behaviour by citing differing behaviour. People aren’t all good or bad. It’s complicated, complex, and ever-changing.
That said, you don’t need to decide how you feel about all this today. Angry, guilty, sad, sick, horrified, conflicted…it’s ok to feel any of them, or multiple emotions that shift and change, evolving over time.
Me? I chose to excommunicate him as a ‘saint’ in my regards, leaving that designation to better people, like my grandfather and cousin Michael. He is dead. His victims are alive. I owe my empathy to them, not to a ghost.
As always, please know that if you’re in a bad place and thinking about ending your life, there are people who care about you and want to help you. Please reach out, no matter where you are: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_s…
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
