Thread by @i124nk8

Long thread of my favourite short jokes:
Interviewer: what makes you think that you would be a good waiter here?
Candidate: I just think I could bring a lot to the table.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 2 years?
Candidate: I don’t have 2020 vision.

Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?
Candidate: honesty
Interviewer: I don't see that as a weakness
Candidate: I don't care what you think.

I told my girlfriend she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high.
She seemed surprised.

What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt

What’s brown and rhymes with Dr Dre?
Snoop Dogg

A doctor says to his patient: I'm sorry, but you have to stop masturbating.
The patient says: really? Why?
Doctor: because I'm trying to examine you.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40"

Puppies are like a good book.
Difficult to put down.

What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

I'm selling my hoover, it was just collecting dust

How do you get a fat person into bed?
Piece of cake......

Doctor: you've got scoobydoitis
Me: ruh roh

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

What do wooden whales eat?
Plankton.

Velcro. What a ripoff.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Tell you what though, never again.

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.

What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out, man.

The people of Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
ba dum tsh.

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who kills his customers? The wanted poster said "small medium at large."

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep

Why couldn't the bike stand up?
Because it was two tired.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar.
I said maybe...

I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop any time.

I'm afraid of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

I'm addicted to luncheon meat. I couldn't give up cold turkey.

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I couldn't figure out why the football kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.

Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Where do you drown a hipster? In the main stream.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!!".

Man: can I get a haircut?
Librarian: sir, this is a library!
Man. So sorry. *whispers* can I get a haircut?

Man asks librarian: do you have the new book about small penises?
Librarian: I’m not sure it’s in yet.
Man: that’s the one.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

My father convinced me to donate my organs after I die. He's a man after my own heart.

My grandfather has he heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt."

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

I've got a book on zero gravity. I couldn't put it down.

I went to a zoo once, but it only had one dog.
It was a Shih-Tzu.

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves

Two guys stole a calendar.
They both got 6 months.

Have you guys seen the movie Constipation?
No? I guess it hasn't come out yet.

White boards are quite remarkable.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?
He was too far out man

I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather than screaming like his passengers.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's ET short for?
he's got little legs.

All girls want security. At least, that's the first thing they shout when they see me.

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultra sound guy
Who's the next best when he's not in?
The hip replacement guy

Where would we be without builders?
Outside...

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone
Then it dawned on me...

Sorry. Please add your own short jokes as I collect them.

I had a job testing theatre trap doors.
It was just a stage I was going through.

My gran is complaining about her Stannah Stairlift. She says it’s driving her up the wall.

I don’t trust that staircase.
It’s definitely up to something.

Hey, where are you from?
I am Liberian.
*Whispering* Sorry, where are you from?

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died.
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine

My paper manufacturing business has folded seven times.
I’m pretty sure it can’t happen again.

Waiter waiter, do you have frogs legs?
No, I was born with a congenital spinal condition. But since this government has cut disability allowance, I’ve been forced back into work.

PC World – you’ve got to be careful what you say in there.

Got a job answering other people’s phones. It’s not for me.

Inflatable headmaster to inflatable schoolboy in inflatable school:
You haven't just let yourself down, you've also let me down and let the whole school down.

My ex-girlfriend is like a box of chocolates.
She killed my dog.

I found my first grey pubic hair this morning.
It was in my sausage and egg McMuffin.

Patient: Doctor, my armpits smell like coconut
Newcastle Doctor: Well, they’re bounty.

A man’s man is a man who was bitten by a radioactive man