1) BREAKING NEWS FROM THE
CONSERVATIVE
UNDERGROUND
NEWS OF
TWITTER
CONSERVATIVE
UNDERGROUND
NEWS OF
2) GEORGE PAPASMURFALOUS HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO ONLY 14 DAYS OF JAIL TIME!
3) In this stunning upset victory for #SmurfLivesMatter, George Papasmurfalous despite being on the receiving end of grueling anti-Smurf racism on the part of the Mueller Special Counsel team, whose membership is suspiciously almost entirely white.
4) This sentence is considered hilariously short given how much George Papasmurfalous' role in the start of Muh Russia (in which he was only mentioned as an after thought and no one's ever really been able to explain how Papasmurfalous being drunk in a bar led to Carter Page)
5) Spokespeople for #SmurfLivesMatter were still not completely happy with the victory, stating, "Prison changes a Smurf. It hardens them. It embitters them to the world around them. And also, smurfberries make for awful toilet hooch ingredients, trust us, we've tried."
6) When reached for comment on the short sentence of their prime suspect who provided them absolutely nothing of value, Mueller was busy with having his head spin in a circle vomiting projectile pea soup while speaking in tongues.
/end
