Thread by @Raquel_Savage

It took me a long time to verbalize what’s happening emotionally for me when shit doesn’t go my way.

For many years I thought (and other people thought) I was just being a brat.

And so I gaslit myself and others minimized my feelings to petty temper tantrums.

And shit never got resolved.

When shit doesn’t go my way I am TRIGGEREDT. Bad.

And I now understand it’s less about things “going my way” and more about feeling helpless when my needs aren’t met.

And how I, emotionally, make sense of not getting my needs met (ie. “I don’t deserve it” “I’m not good enough” etc.)

And my response to believing those things results in a temper tantrum aka being triggered

And further, that when I experience something acute it brings up unrelated shit from the past, compounding the weight of how I feel emotionally.

Ex. If I don’t get what I want, I feel helpless and undeserving and ALL the past times I felt helpless and undeserving come up.

So in a moment where I, for instance, didn’t get to chose the restaurant (just a random example) my reaction is prolly 10% about the restaurant but the remaining 90% is to shit that happened 10 years ago.

Which is why the response seems inappropriate.

And of course in the moment I can’t explain that because I’m triggered.

But that’s how unprocessed trauma works.

It ALL comes up even if it’s not relevant cuz the *emotion* is relevant.

Being able to name it helps.

So when I’m feeling it (cuz I haven’t processed it lol) I can AT LEAST say to myself “I’m upset because a need hasn’t been met and it’s making me feel ________ which reminds me of ________.”

That alone is helpful.

And that 👆🏾 is also easier for others to understand versus just having a “temper tantrum” about a restaurant lol

Besides naming things and being able to verbalize shit to yourself and others, practicing tolerating the emotion is helpful too.

Most of us dismiss, minimize, avoid, etc. emotions we don’t like.

It’s good practice to SIT in them. Let it swallow you. Cry. Scream. Write about it.

Silencing it won’t help.

Every time you practice tolerating the emotion, it gets a little less scary and a little less consuming.

It feels less like you’re going to die lol because you’ve sat in it and survived it.

So the next time you’re triggered, you’ll be able to name it, verbalize it and say, “oh that’s just helplessness. She wylin today but she’ll be aight.”

This takes time. Be patient and kind with yourself.

View it more as a lifelong practice versus a “goal” to achieve.